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Monday, May 4, 2009

Chasing the Dragon

It needs saying, I hate therapy. I hate going, and spilling my soul, gathering it up and putting it all back into place, like game of 52 pick-up. After I dutifully arrange all the memories dredged up and refile them back, it's an exhaustive process that often takes me weeks. My therapist knows this, she understands BDSM, and even respects it a little. Most therapists see that lifestyle as being unhealthy but this therapist believes while it can be unhealthy, it doesn't need to be. Like any other relationship.

Ever hear someone make a comment and you think, I know exactly what they're talking about without really knowing or understanding the details? I was out most the day on Saturday, and overheard a man talking about a relationship he was in, and he referred to it as a Heroin Relationship. It got me thinking about my relationship with Alpha Master and subsequent relationship with Beta Master; were those heroin relationships?

Whenever I begin to ponder something like that I first try to define the issue. A heroin relationship is easily understood but difficult for me at least to put into words. I know a little about addiction. I've watched Beta Master struggle with his sex addiction for a few years now. He had to relearn how to do just about everything, as his triggers were many. Can you be addicted to a bad relationship? This perplexed me.

So off to therapy I went, we started to discuss the notion of a heroin or toxic relationships. I could feel the healed over scars being picked at, until they opened and were again bleeding, and raw. I guess my therapist thought we were onto something. She mentioned that I was somewhat emotionally stunted by the past and maybe looked to Beta Master as more a protector than I had appreciated.

She likened it to an adolescent upset with a parent, because they failed to protect them. Initially I dismissed the notion, but as we delved further into the past I started to clearly see the pattern. When Alpha Master had once left me tied up in a precarious position and Beta Master had found me a few hours later. He had taken me to his house. Looked after me, went without sleep, and just watched over me the way Alpha Master should have done. I asked to be returned to Alpha Master. He could not read my mind, but he did say it was dangerous for me return. That said he did return me but only after I said that Alpha Master needed me. While I knew from the look in his eyes that Beta Master knew that was not true, he nonetheless did as I requested. How could I be angry with him? He did what I asked.

Truthfully though, I didn't want to go back. I was scared to return. Beta Master didn't stand up for me and instead led me back to lion's den. Naturally Alpha Master showed contrition over what he'd done. It was a pivotal point in my relationship with these two men. Something I hadn't realized but I was angry with Beta Master for bringing me back. I mean how could he have not known I was scared to death to return? I don't think I was that great of an actress.

Had I really been blaming him all these years? Like a child might blame the non-abusive parent for not protecting them better? It was about fear. Maybe on both our parts. He never said to me that I could stay with him. Just that it was dangerous to return. I wanted him to say that I could stay with him. I didn't want to go to my apartment and be alone. How could I be alone? I wasn't capable of that I believed, my entire existence revolved around Alpha Master. My career, everything that I was, was because of his hand. I would have quit my job, maybe move...start over?


So, yeah, I guess I did blame Beta Master for this. I didn't think of it from his perspective that you just can't take another man's would have been sticky for him too, seeing how they were friends. We all worked for the same firm. My therapist agrees this is just one time in a line of many other times that I could effectively cut Beta Master some slack. And I don't disagree. Maybe that was why I did some of the things I did, where he was concerned. Upon reflection, it does explain why I effectively cut him out my private life after Alpha Master's death. Yes, he did come to my place shortly after hearing of his passing. Yes we had sex. And like I've already admitted the sex had nothing to do with him, really--he did nothing wrong in that. I used him and I admit it. It was wild and passionate, and it shouldn't have been, but I had closed my eyes and just pretended it was Alpha Master. Maybe it was me doing more than just pretending, maybe I was also getting even a little?

After that one episode, my life with Beta Master had changed, with me cutting him out of my personal life. I was polite to him at work, and did my job. When I needed to speak to him on a professional level, I kept it professional. I didn't know how heavily he was involved in BDSM and I didn't wish to know that or anything else about him either.

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