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Monday, June 29, 2009

steps 1-3

I have caused pain, and hurt to the very people I hoped to protect from myself.

Saw my therapist, and later completed steps one through three with Jim. I am thoroughly powerless over my addiction and my life is unmanageable. I look to God to restore my sanity and hand myself over to him.

For a Dominate man, such as myself, these are difficult to admit. As a human, I have my failings like anyone else does. However the hardest part for me, was to admit those very submissive ideals. This is to me the very essence of a power exchange, and the reason I fought it so hard in the beginning. I am the one with the power. It is not supposed to be the other way around for me.

Each time I have done these three steps, I feel my conceit, as if to say I am more powerful than God. I am not. I did not create the universe, nor the earth, nor man in my likeness. I have to lose my pretension, and remind myself of my insignificance. And only then it seems, I can reconnect with my humility.

Keyword: Fallible

3 comments:

  1. one of the hardest things I struggle with as a dominant man and a leader of others is the idea that I do not control everything. The essence of domination is in the control and the control is exercised by making decisions.

    It is hard I know to sometimes accept that the decision is not ours to make. Sometimes the bravest decision of all is admitting that and submitting to the will of a higher power.

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  2. J,

    Thank you. I do not know if it is all that brave but it sure as hell is humbling.

    Omega

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  3. It is brave my friend, it is very brave.

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