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Thursday, July 30, 2009

But I don't wanna......

Just place the appropriate whine in the voice and that is how I feel sometimes. When we got back from our trip it was hot, and I'm cranky when I'm hot. I don't want to be touched or touch anyone. I just want to be left alone. But I must submit even when I feel I don't want to, in fact, it might be those times it's most important to. There was no real reason for me to refuse, other than feeling hot and uncomfortable, but there was no other physical reason. Omega commanded me to do something sexual and I just didn't want to do it. I was hot, sticky and not feeling the least bit sexual.

I got resentful for having to do this. It wasn't a big deal and something I would jump at the chance to do under normal circumstances. I did it, but I put minimal effort into it. I found no pleasure in doing it. When I was done, or rather he was done, Omega praised me.

My only thought then was what was this man smoking? I am so not *that* good. But he praised me. Why? I thought about that for a long time, and finally asked him. Omega chuckled and said it wasn't about how I did it, or the amount of effort, or anything it was just about me doing it. Omega wanted me to and I did it.

In that moment I felt selfish and felt bad about feeling that way. I wanted a do-over. But, that can't happen and I'm not sure if I had the chance it would turn out any different but I do know next time I will think less about myself, and more about being pleasing to him. At least I hope so.
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The day after we married, Omega decided that since my diet is crap that will now officially change. Again I find myself with a case of the "i don't wanna's" even though it's for my own good. Who doesn't want to live longer? I know I prefer junk to good balanced meals, I prefer just drinking coffee to eating breakfast, and I know I'm not a young chickie, and while I'm in okay health that will NOT last forever. I need to get more exercise, and get serious about making healthy food choices. I know all this. Ugh. I also was well informed before that if I did marry him, there would be changes in my life beyond our M/s relationship.
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Last night we attempted to escape to the boat, but it was freaking cold on the coast. The boat has a heater but Omega couldn't get it to work and silly us thought not bringing blankets was a good idea. So we went from 103 here to being around 50 at the coast. When the dog started shivering, Omega abandoned the notion and we returned. Started driving with the heater on, then turned it off and eventually had to turn on the AC as we got closer. Omega called it hades and I think he's right.


4 comments:

  1. I am the exact same way with the heat, don't touch me, don't even look at me. *laughs*

    But I'm glad it turned out to be a bit of a learning experience for you.

    :)

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  2. the last part made me giggle, even though at the time i'm sure it was rather frustrating. Makes me curious to where yall live...lol. As for the "i dont wanna's" everyone gets them. i understand the "do-over" notion even more. i'm glad you pushed through it to please your Master & husband ;).

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  3. well if it was 50 on the coast and 103 at home than on average it was 76.5 which sounds perfect.

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  4. i understand, and what a beautiful relationship you and your Master have. its taken me a while to read the last few posts, and i'm hoping to read more when i have more time. Thank you for sharing, i was having a moment like this today.

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