Life is often like the tide rolling in, or fog covering everything with its heavy damp mist. I sat, late last night, thinking about everything. How many years have I been in love with him? I can't remember a time that I didn't love him. Even when I was with Alpha I loved Omega. That's not to suggest I didn't love Alpha at some point I did. I just don't really remember for certain when that was.
I found a photo in a box, taken years ago at a party. I don't recall when or even what the event was but I could clearly tell it was toward the end of my time with Alpha. Before his diagnosis, but after things were really bad; just a moment in time saved on kodak paper. Alpha was beside me with an arm around me, and just off the center of the shot, but clearly in the picture was Omega. And my eyes were on him. My expression was empty but my eyes weren't. They were locked on Omega and his eyes were on me. The tension between the three of us was very evident. Alpha was watching both of us, his head tilted upward slightly at Omega. I don't think any of us were aware we were being photographed. I could see it, the flash of anger on Alpha's face, the angry way his eyes would narrow, it was a look I remember too well. I saw that look often enough when I had done something wrong and even when I hadn't.
I stared at that picture, trying to remember any bits of that evening but nothing came to me, I guess there is a lot of that time I don't want to remember. I showed the picture that evening to Omega but he didn't recall it either, just looked at us and commented that he had no clue. All he noticed was us. Maybe that's the way it should be?
Much to do today in preparation for the holiday weekend. In his morning note to me (he resumed them just recently), he observed that the house is cleaner without me in it all day. I can only assume one of two things, he wants me to spend a day at the shopping mall or he wants me to clean up the house. The house cleaning service? Well, Omega decided since I have the whole month off, why pay for someone to clean? I'm gritting my teeth over that one but I'll go along with it. I guess I will clean the house, do the wash, pick up the dry cleaning and do the marketing. Maybe I should consider cutting my vacation short and just go back to work?
No, I couldn't do that, and he wants for me to use this time to reorganize my life. I'm incredibly organized at work, but at home, I admit not so much. I tend to let everything slide. I call it easy-going, but he calls it reckless. From a man seriously into some freaky edge play...I'm surprised that he considers paying the bills just a few days before they're due, reckless.
Life is like the tide, it ebbs and flows and for the most part is beautiful. Maybe the only point to pain or suffering is to make you really appreciate when the times are good. Right now things are very good.