I stared at the flashing cursor, ever do that? It's hypnotic when you don't know what to write about. I don't know what to say. Omega said I should write about my feelings. I wish it were that easy. I have no emotions today. I'm not angry, I'm not happy, I'm not tired, I'm not anything. This blog entry has no title; I've changed it three times since I started.
I'm also avoiding today's assignment. What it means to submit to another. I can only imagine Omega came up with that little gem based on my angry tirade yesterday where I declared I was no longer interested in being submissive. Fine. What does it mean though, submission? Does it mean losing all control over your life, or is it about trusting the other person doesn't fuck it up?
Maybe it's both. I wish my words would get out of my head and onto my fingers. Yes it is about trust, service, but deeper. It's about handing yourself over to another person, and saying to them, "here I am." You know they might not like you the way you are. They might want to change you, like alpha did to me, in a bad way. Or like Omega in a positive way. Either way, they want to make you into their perfection. I suppose though when you lie to your Master and aren't truthful about your "issues" because you're afraid they'll leave or whatever the fear is, you're really topping them from the bottom. Because you're taking away their choices. No one should be without a real choice, even if it is just to submit or not. I chose to submit, or to offer myself to Omega but I did it wrong. My offer was accepted based on incomplete information, and in his line of work that could be at the very least, considered a breach of contract.
Yesterday I told him to leave. Him leaving is easier than dealing with me. Omega just looked at me and sighed. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. He validated my feelings but cautioned that should really think more about what I'm saying before I say it. We sat down and we talked. Rules of engagement. No more discussion about leaving or telling the other to go. It's not productive he explained. Saying it, in that way, lays the foundation for a wall, and he's worked too hard in tearing down my walls to help build a new one. It should never be said unless it is truly meant.
He looked at me seriously and asked me if I trusted him. I didn't think about it, of course I trust him! He asked me again if there were any other skeletons hanging in my closet or monsters waiting under the bed, and I told him truthfully no. There is nothing else to hide, he knows everything. Then he asked if I am willing to submit myself to him and allow him to control me, he said that there is so much good inside me, and that would only improve. The bad, he'd work to erase. But I had to trust him. Let him touch those areas of me, and let myself go.
Years ago, when I was with Alpha, he carefully conditioned me to not respond in a normal way to sexual pleasure (Omega knew nothing about this), my reaction is to want to vomit if I orgasm. That causes me to just dry up down there, and remain dry, the fear of vomiting. I've kept this hidden by offering lots of oral sex, and using lubricants. I was very inexperienced sexually, and had no idea this was the end game. I had no idea that next to a decade after his death I would still be struggling with this. Had I known or understood I would never have stayed. It felt so wrong at the time. It took him years to get me to that point, to be I suppose his version of perfection, to empty myself and become less than a slave. I was just a body, riddled with fear and a beating heart. I suppose now the female circumcision he always wanted me to do was the final step. The step I was too afraid to take too. Omega is not convinced he actually a doctor willing to do it, it might have just been a mind game. I don't know.
When I finally confessed this to Omega he was angry, with me and alpha. He used words like evil to describe it. His anger with me was limited to me just not telling it. Hiding it. It was wrong of me to do that. His anger with alpha has reached a new height. He knew there was torture; he knew it was bad but he had no idea there was a plan behind it all.
So returning to today's assignment and what it means to submit to another. It means, to me, to give yourself over to another and trust them completely. Even when you don't want to, or you want to just say no, hide or even run away, and instead to express those feelings. Then trust that they understand, and submit to their wishes. Maybe it's a just leap of faith? I took that leap last night when I told Omega that I did submit to him and trusted in him completely.
I guess this is all part of restoring balance to my life.