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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Colliding lifestyles and worlds

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more.
Candice Bergen
US television actress (1946 - )
There is one thing that drives me crazy, in the vanilla world (because I don't exist in an M/s bubble and have to blend into the other world), when you get a group of women together they almost always (at least the groups I know), start man-bashing.

It falls along the "poor dumb man"..."I have trained him well"..."men are just too stupid to learn anything" and my personal favorite "you'll have to change him."

That talk makes my skin crawl, because I don't agree with it and never have. I normally keep quiet when the topic turns but as I listen I hear the bitterness in their voices. To them, I'm the newlywed that needs their help to train my husband to be a better person. These women are intelligent, beautiful and my friends; my girlfriends who have no idea of my lifestyle. It is, at times, damn lonely for me. And I listen to their tales of woe, their husband's abuses like not putting the toilet seat down, and yes Omega is guilty of that one but in just a few months I've learned to check before I sit. What's their problem? The endless watching of sports on weekends, and I agree it does get old but really it's not a big deal for me. I can always find something else to keep me busy.

Then subject turns to sex. Specifically, the fact none of them have sex anymore. They ask me about my sex life with Omega and I offer a little, very little, and they scoff saying well it will change. Even though Omega and I are the same ages as they are, still it will change they assure me. Eventually everything will become more important than sex with me.

I return home emotionally drained from the experience and wonder if that would really happen to Omega and I. I say nothing to him about it, and just go about the remaining afternoon and evening. At night I go through my evening rituals, washing face, brushing teeth and slathering lotion on my hands and elbows while he watches me from the bed.

I will slip between the sheets and he will pull me close and finally he'll ask about lunch with the girls. I'll tell him the normal lies, it was great. But it wasn't great in fact it was horrible. I vow then to never speak to these women again.

Then he'll ask when will you be getting together with them again and I'll reply 3 weeks.

How is that for masochism?


  1. lol, you poor thing. Stick to your leader, you'll get through fine.



    Same thing happens to us guy subs. The term used on our in guy friend circles "pussywhipped". Makes my skin crawl too. I love my wife and enjoy being in her service.

  2. Oh my lord, I've had friends like this in the past. They are so sure that the life they experience is the spoken truth of all things around them. *sighs* I am so sorry hun. I think you need new friends. I would totally go out to lunch with you!:)

  3. Haha!!! Wow, I completely relate to this one! I often ask myself why I'm friends with people I dont have much in common with anymore, and I realize its just a comfortable habit. I learn to take with a grain a salt and just enjoy them for who they are. I smile inside knowing that they would die at my little dark secret, and that brings a smile to my face. Even though my marriage isnt M/s, its not exactly vanilla either. Its somewhere in the middle. I've found, having friends online who understand my submissive side are a blessing. But the vanilla friends, can often put into perspective how lucky I really am.

  4. this is the exact reason why I don't have many vanilla girlfriends. Those who are my friends have been so for many years, and know that my sex life is private. My acquaintances, and community friends all know about Brad (in fact they encouraged me to date him), and approve whole-heartedly. They know we are together, and see the "bite" marks that I desperately try to hide with makeup, but often fail miserably. They just grin, and go about their conversation. It's really fun for Brad and I to be together up at the coffee shop when talk turns to relationships. We just look at each other and grin like little kids, knowing we have what most will never have, and would never understand anyway. We considered ourselves blessed.

    Just know that you have what you want and need, and let the others have their talk. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Oh, and if you're not really having a good time? Find another group of people to hang with, or better yet, find a good book club.

    Just my .02. YMMV.

  5. I've heard that before - I think I must be lucky because other than the odd remark (which is usualy funny), I don't have a huge issue with that with my friends. Although truth be told, a few have confided they don't get enough sex, but sadly.Overall though, we seldom talk about the guys when we get together LOL -

  6. mouse,

    To be certain if you shared any juicy tidbits of our life together, they would be appalled and try to convince you to leave me and get a TRO. We have seen that in past with mutual friends.

    To be sure mouse the vanilla world has little understanding of where we live and has little understanding how deep our commitment is.


  7. I have always thought of my relationship with lizard as vanilla, but when I look back on the things we have done together (in bed) we are far from the vanilla crowd and moving away even further. Although I am not with her when she talks to her friends, I can assure you I know what she says, and none of it is bad. We have now been together for almost three years and things continue to get better. I don't believe love fades, but it does require devotion from both partners, care and attention. When you have all the right elements, it is like nothing else in this world.

    I don't watch sports and I cook, so lizard has no reason to grumble. And if she did, as I am now learning, she would pay for it!

  8. I'm not sure what you would call me - maybe vanilla, maybe sympathetic, BDSM friendly - I really don't know. I have been married to my husband 15 years. In the past three months we have begun changing our dynamic and our sex life.

    Speaking as a vanilla wife though, I have always hated women putting down their husbands. Over time though - work and kids' school acquaintences can't be completely avoided, but my closest friends are the ones who feel the same as I. Ultimately, I have no idea what other people do together, nor do they know how I feel about anything. But there are people out there who may surprise you, and some women who respect their husbands - we just get drowned out easily.

  9. This seems terribly judgmental to me. I would suspect that ignorant vanilla folks are what keeps the world goin round.

  10. s-h, is it wrong to be happy it happens to guy subs too?

    Gray, I would totally go out to lunch with you too.

    kitty, thanks and I had a feeling you'd understand it.

    cutesy, you are very right!

    selkie, I have the feeling that it's been like that recently (ever since he put the ring on my finger) because I'm the newlywed...Hopefully the next time we meet some of the kids will be away at college (for the first time) and that will be the subject of the conversation.

    Omega, yes you are right we have seen that before.

    Tom, Thanks as always.

    Green Girl, Thanks for understanding I hate it too when men or women put down their spouses.

    anonymous, I didn't feel I was being judgmental but if you took it that way I am sorry.


  11. mouse,

    no not wrong at all. I was actually trying to let you know it is the same thing over on this side of the fence too. When equality is the current standard that society judges a relationship between a wife and a husband by, either a sub wife or a sub husband will be catching flack for not standing up for our equality. For me, I am more happy when I am a sub w/o equality. I just have to realize that is a complicated thing to try to explain and it is most often best left between my wife and I.


  12. Mouse, h has often spoken to me of this very thing and I know in these conversations she simply says nothing. Ironically this has led to her friends thinking she is a prude. We often laugh about this.

  13. I am sorry you feel you must hide parts of yourself from your friends. I am not hidden from my closest friends but I also know when to be discreet and circumspect.

    I do not like talking to women who have nothing positive to say about men. Men are not perfect, no, but we have chosen a life that requires we have open hearts and spirits for them, it is not possible if we amplify their weaknesses and foibles. There is no power exchanging and circling between two when one holds the other in disdain.

    I hope you find reinforcement and support here online. CD


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