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Friday, August 14, 2009

How did I know?


In her blog cutesypah asked a wonderful question that for me can't be summed up in a simple reply. A lot of this has already been told in my blog, but there was a lot left unsaid (as is always the case with me). In her blog she asked, "What is it that in your D/s relationship that lets you know THIS is the real thing, and your partnership can stand the test of time?"

Yes, Omega and I knew each other for decades before we really got together. Yes he was allowed to use me when he was a friend with my former Master...After Alpha's death Omega and I remained friends. I was very depressed and suffering from probably posttraumatic stress. I was working almost all the time, from early in the morning until late at night roughly 7 days a week. I didn't sleep, I rarely ate and when I did, I didn't eat right. Omega watched this from the background and was rather helpless to do anything about it. I wasn't ready for him to be in my life and he wasn't ready for me. He had his own problems.

A job opened at a firm I was acquainted with in a different state and after accepting their offer I moved. During that time, though we were in touch, we weren't close. We would send those silly emails that everyone sends, the funny ones. Someone would send me something on Youtube and if I thought he'd like it, I'd forward it to him.

Time marched on, and the place I worked kind of joined up with the firm I used to work for, combining resources. One day I'm in my office and I heard a voice. I came out of my office, and saw him for the first time in years. He gave me a hug and we talked, later went out to lunch...and then a week later dinner, just catching up. He had moved to this area to be closer to his family.

We both thought it was odd our paths were crossing again but he also had his problems. He looked different, though with me it seemed he was like the man I used to know but something was off about him at the same time. I had heard whispers but tried to ignore them. He had slipped into a very dark place, and we didn't have a lot of contact.

Then one day he called and asked me to dinner, he purged and told me everything about his issues with sex addiction. He had been in therapy for year and was finally getting himself back together. I was shocked, I hadn't known about his problems. His life was starting to fall into place, he was happier but not seeing anyone. But I was finally hitting a wall. I had been working for 6 years almost nonstop without a vacation roughly 12 hours or more a day 7 days a week.

I couldn't do it anymore and finally broke down -- I had a mental collapse of sorts. When I hit that wall, he was there. He encouraged me to get into therapy, to cut back on my hours and take a damn vacation. I did and started getting more sleep, exercise and made an effort to eat a little healthier. I did learn in therapy to let go of my anger that I felt toward Omega. That I believed paved the way for us to become a couple.

I had blogged about him coming to dinner, reading to me, and that kind of stuff. I was kinda glad that I had because it helped me figure out that he was thinking about me in a way I hadn't considered. I wrote about my cliff and taking that leap, and later finding him on the path. It wasn't that simple.

When I offered myself we spent hours discussing what it meant for him. He didn't want to a plaything (though that idea was nice) he really wanted someone to share his whole life. Someone he would come home to, talk about his day, not just someone to serve him and that was important. He explained that if I truly wanted to offer myself he would move into my life and if things went well from there, he'd want to marry me. I wasn't sure about marriage, but everything else I was fine with.

When he claimed me as his slave he also claimed me as his partner. In the beginning we did have our issues, cold feet, angry dawns and the like. But there was always something deeper we both felt. Maybe it was just years of shared experience, maybe it was for us a bit of unrequited love, because we just never knew or understood we both felt the same. At the same time all that crap only deepened our love and respect for each other. When we had our bad fight, the one I walked out on, it made us both realize how deep our feelings were for each other.

When I confessed my sexual issues to him and he took on those problems 100%. He was so confident that he could handle it but I wasn't so certain. I didn't share his confidence. By not believing in him and his abilities I hurt him but he also accepted that, remained undaunted and moved ahead.

So how did I know Omega was the one? He can always make me laugh! If I'm in a shitty mood he can always lift me up. I love the way I feel when I'm with him--I'm a better person because of him. Just because he's Master doesn't mean he always or instantly gets his way on everything. Once in a while he goes with what I say and if I disagree with him it's okay but I have to accept his word as final. When he's upset I always know what to do likewise. I know him and everything about him. I accept it all. That includes the unbelievable sex and the boring stuff too that makes a relationship work. All relationships are work, but when it doesn't feel like work that's when you know, you're doing it right.

9 comments:

  1. love you post. finding a relationship fit is amazing to witness and I am amazed again that the two of you landed in the same sandbox, when you are obviously so well matched. Your bond comes through sincere and deep. I have found a D/s relationship fosters greater bonds because other competitive clutter is absent and the relationship grows stronger as a result. Happy for you two.

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  2. Thanks so much! I adore my Omega man! And often I'm totally amazed that after all this time we're together.

    mouse

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  3. what an incredible journey, mouse, that you and your Omega have been travelling; how wonderful that both of you were strong enough to work through your storms and issues and find each other at the end.

    I find life infinitely fascinating, and watching how we fallible human beings find that spark of incredible strength always awes me.

    You guys were obviously meant to be together; sometimes the path is just convoluted as we find the resources that are inside us to travel it.

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  4. oh, mouse, I can't tell you how much I love reading about how happy you are with Omega!! I think the vanilla enhances D/s flavor, don't you?!

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  5. selkie,

    I am truly awestruck at times that he's really in my life. I never dreamed that he would be.

    mouse

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  6. cutesypah,

    I think our light vanilla swirl helps keep the M/s side of our relationship from burning out. A person I once knew told me that D/s burns hot, and it does, which is I surmise that it often just burns itself out. I like to think of the vanilla swirl as flame retardant.

    mouse

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  7. Hoorah for love! From the little I've read in this community, it does seem that D/s relationships are more intense. Maybe you could call it co-dependency, but I've always had a problem with that concept. you love someone so much you come to depend on that love, and they say that's a problem?

    I feel like I'm coming into this community from the opposite side. I love my wife so much, she has to submit to me! Does that make sense?

    Anyway, the word that came to mind when I was reading your blog was "fate." Strange that the two of you would suddenly meet up again at a time when you were both ready for each other, after having both trqavelled down such tortured paths.

    Perfect love requires not only devotion, work and respect, but a little luck with the timing as well. If I had met my wife when we were both in our 20s, we would have hated each other!

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  8. Tom,

    I do not consider mouse or myself to be co-dependent, however the power exchange, I believe is a circle based on symbiotic needs, which exists between the Master and slave.

    The more mouse gives me, the deeper she falls into her slavery, and the more I want to dominate her. Our rule is I cannot take more than she can give (no matter how I might wish to).

    We never have a night off but we do work to strike a balance or moderation between M/s side of our life and everything else.

    Omega

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  9. Co-Dependency is an emotional disorder. I have come across several instances, but none have been D/s. For me, it took a level of honesty to acknowledge my submissive nature to my wife that a person in a co-dependency relationship would find elusive. D/s requires honesty in the D to be able to acknowledge they are comfortable, and in the /s to also acknowledge the same. This is a rare level of honesty to find in modern relationships that are constantly being imposed upon by societal norms, imho.

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