Last night I went outside, the air was crisp and cool, no breeze blowing, no wind. I looked up and saw a million stars. I was listening to my iPod, naturally the Grateful Dead because they're my "Go To" band when I can't define how I am feeling. Yeah, I hated disco in the 70s, but as I grow older I can't help but to tap my foot and smile if I happen to hear Play That Funky Music White Boy!
As I listened to the music, and counted the stars by candlelight I started thinking about how fortunate I am. How incredibly lucky I am, I know, some say luck had nothing to do with it and I've never considered myself to be a lucky girl. My relationship with Omega is easy, my slavery is easy, not because he doesn't stimulate or push my thinking, or make me reach beyond what I think I can do. He does all those things routinely. So, when I say, "easy" I mean that I don't question it. I don't question what I am; I used to before I was with him and for a time I thought I was unownable. I was certainly incomplete and broken. Yes, I deal a lot with my past, but that's part of who I am. I am the sum total of all my experiences good and bad. We all are. Sometimes the past is easy to put behind and forget or say oh well better luck next time, while sometimes it's not. Trust didn't come easy to me, trusting that he wouldn't leave me when he found out how damaged I was. Trust that he could fix the damaged parts. Trust that he had the ability and patience to do it. I wasn't sure, I admit it. I made mistakes, but he didn't fault me for them, instead he held me close, whispering in my ear I would be okay. I would become his perfection and he has NEVER once wavered or questioned it. After what really amounts to a short time, I really stopped questioning it too. It became easy. It doesn't mean that I'm in the slave zone 100% of the time all the time. I'm not; I'm human.
I won't apologize for that. I read Sir J's latest post and found myself nodding my head. I loved every word he wrote because it was true he asked questions that everyone should answer. Plain simple truth. Some have issues with honesty. They want to hear what they want to hear. Like my friend Lucy, who didn't want to hear no from her husband. That surprised her and she wasn't prepared for it. Schroeder's no was simply honest. Some surround themselves with people that always say yes.
Sir J, asked very simple questions that made me think about the invisible force field-like structure surrounding Omega and I. Inside that space, I feel sometimes powerless, but mostly beloved. Omega has enhanced my life in ways I couldn't imagine possible. He encourages me to be MORE than I am. More than I thought possible.
Is there room for change? Of course, our relationship "box" isn't really a box, to me it's an old house built long ago. The foundation is solid, and the bones of the house are in great shape. It has magnificent flow. Yes, it creaks and sometimes groans, it expands and contracts with the weather. It must be maintained. Windows sealed, paint added, it must be insulated, and ultimately filled with whatever Omega decides to put into it. This doesn't mean that I don't have a choice or a voice because I do, but the decision is left to him. I'm fully comfortable with that. We can disagree on wall colors or what kind of cabinets to put in the kitchen, but it's still all good. There are no games being played, nothing held over the other's head, no trying to trick the other person. It is simply decided, understood and accepted. To us it's easy because we're right for each other.
So I count the stars by candlelight, think about how fortunate I am, and smile.