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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Counting Stars by Candlelight

Last night I went outside, the air was crisp and cool, no breeze blowing, no wind.  I looked up and saw a million stars.  I was listening to my iPod, naturally the Grateful Dead because they're my "Go To" band when I can't define how I am feeling.  Yeah, I hated disco in the 70s, but as I grow older I can't help but to tap my foot and smile if I happen to hear Play That Funky Music White Boy!  

As I listened to the music, and counted the stars by candlelight I started thinking about how fortunate I am.  How incredibly lucky I am, I know, some say luck had nothing to do with it and I've never considered myself to be a lucky girl.  My relationship with Omega is easy, my slavery is easy, not because he doesn't stimulate or push my thinking, or make me reach beyond what I think I can do.  He does all those things routinely. So, when I say, "easy" I mean that I don't question it.  I don't question what I am; I used to before I was with him and for a time I thought I was unownable. I was certainly incomplete and broken.  Yes, I deal a lot with my past, but that's part of who I am.  I am the sum total of all my experiences good and bad.  We all are.  Sometimes the past is easy to put behind and forget or say oh well better luck next time, while sometimes it's not.  Trust didn't come easy to me, trusting that he wouldn't leave me when he found out how damaged I was.  Trust that he could fix the damaged parts.  Trust that he had the ability and patience to do it.  I wasn't sure, I admit it.  I made mistakes, but he didn't fault me for them, instead he held me close, whispering in my ear I would be okay.  I would become his perfection and he has NEVER once wavered or questioned it.  After what really amounts to a short time, I really stopped questioning it too.  It became easy.  It doesn't mean that I'm in the slave zone 100% of the time all the time.  I'm not; I'm human.

I won't apologize for that.  I read Sir J's latest post and found myself nodding my head.  I loved every word he wrote because it was true he asked questions that everyone should answer.  Plain simple truth.  Some have issues with honesty.  They want to hear what they want to hear.  Like my friend Lucy, who didn't want to hear no from her husband.  That surprised her and she wasn't prepared for it.  Schroeder's  no was simply honest.  Some surround themselves with people that always say yes.  

Sir J, asked very simple questions that made me think about the invisible force field-like structure surrounding Omega and I.  Inside that space, I feel sometimes powerless, but mostly beloved.  Omega has enhanced my life in ways I couldn't imagine possible.  He encourages me to be MORE than I am.  More than I thought possible. 

Is there room for change? Of course, our relationship "box" isn't really a box, to me it's an old house built long ago.  The foundation is solid, and the bones of the house are in great shape.  It has magnificent flow.  Yes, it creaks and sometimes groans, it expands and contracts with the weather.   It must be maintained.  Windows sealed, paint added, it must be insulated, and ultimately filled with whatever Omega decides to put into it.  This doesn't mean that I don't have a choice or a voice because I do, but the decision is left to him.  I'm fully comfortable with that.  We can disagree on wall colors or what kind of cabinets to put in the kitchen, but it's still all good.  There are no games being played, nothing held over the other's head, no trying to trick the other person.  It is simply decided, understood and accepted.  To us it's easy because we're right for each other.  

So I count the stars by candlelight, think about how fortunate I am, and smile.  


  1. Awwww.. *sighs Happily*

    Sir J always has inspiring and thought provoking ideas to share. I adore his blog as much as I do yours!

  2. mouse, thank you, you elegantly ran with my analogy I am honoured. Where I live there is little light pollution and the stars number in the billions, you are very lucky indeed.

    Sir J.

  3. ....The spiral light of Venus rising first and shining best. Oh from the NW corner of a brand new crescent moon, crickets and cicadas sing, a rare and different tune." One of my favorite lines from their songs....

  4. Nice to hear you are in a good groove. Omega has certainly brought you a long way toward putting the ugly things in the past. Hopefully, Alpha is fading into the past like an old healing wound.

  5. mouse, for me the early morning (as in 4 a.m.) with my dogs is my 'communing' time; unfortunately, the stars are sparse but I see the moon and find peace in it.

    I think you are a sterling, shining example for people who think that there is no hope; I know in your past there must have been times you despaired and could never in a thousand years think you would be where you are now.

    This was a beautiful poetic way of sharing - thank you.

  6. I have never understood why so many people have so much trouble being honest. I used to assume everyone was, now I realize that to find someone open and honest is a rare gift.
    Glad you two struck gold.


  7. It is two express who you are naturally, without having to "work" hard at it. It isn't that the requirements of you aren't sometimes difficult, of course not...but the submission comes easy to you, overall, to Omega.

    Right people, same philosophies, acceptance and respect and trust, and freedom to be yourselves...all those combined make it seem easy, even when it isn't.

    Or it does for us at least. :)

    Beautiful post, and thank you!

  8. greengirl, Thanks very much.

    Gray, J Sir certainly is an inspiration!

    J Sir, you are too kind and your words really inspired me. I love being able to see the stars, it's almost as important as seeing the ocean once in a while.

    s-h--OMG Lady with a Fan is one of my favorite GD songs EVER! Terrapin Station could be one of my favorite albums...If I had to pick one (who can?)

    Tom, thank you I am feeling extraordinary well and balanced these days. I think O's been working some magic on me.

    selkie, If I can get up early enough I LOVE the morning hours too. I love the quiet before the world wakes up.

    Jz, I dunno if honesty is that rare, or maybe it's just rare to find people who are honest? (blinks) Yeah. I touch wood daily.

    schiava, absolutely! I wrote a while back that all relationships require work the real trick is when it doesn't feel like work, you know you're doing something right. Thank you!


  9. Mouse this is lovely. Sir J's post sparked a lot of reflection and some truly beautiful observations. Reality beats the heck out of fantasy any day.

  10. What necessary phrase... super, a brilliant idea


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