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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's been a hard road




I wish I could just write everything and leave it behind, but I can't.  Things happen I can't explain what it does to me or how it makes me feel.  I started writing this post around at the end of August or early September and it remained one of the unpublished ones.  Around that time, I started having bad dreams again, sometimes nightmares about Alpha.  Omega understood why.  Lately though my nerves have just been raw and I've been feeling very emotionally drained.  

At the end of August a story in the news broke a girl who had been kidnapped 18 years earlier was found alive.  She had been held from the time she was 11 by a nutjob.  She was out in the open, people saw her, she was productive, she worked for him.   People that knew of her said they didn't have a clue, and she was always nice to them.  


This simple story resonates me on many levels, for one, at the time of disappearance I was fully immersed in my early submission to Alpha.  It was 1991 and her story was all over my local news.  I was living in the San Francisco Bay Area and had just been to Lake Tahoe the previous weekend before she vanished, while waiting for a school bus.  Forced into a van and vanished in plain sight.  I even understand how no one questioned it, because that area is so densely populated no one "sees" anyone.  


People questioned if she was abused by this man, because she seemed too normal.  She wasn't skittish or fearful.  Neither was I.   Neighbors had reported the situation as being "off" and the CPS and the police were called.  They found nothing wrong, but they also didn't actually look around the property.  Just like when the police were called to Alpha's, no one checked the basement.  They had no reason to.  Of course we had age and consent to hide behind  though, I never really offered any kind of informed consent (who would consent to have their whole sexuality damaged).  I worked, and had a job; I worked for Alpha.  I saw people each day and none of them knew.  I functioned.  No one knew.  Omega didn't know though he probably was in the position to know more than most, but he didn't know it all.  I don't know what people expect you to look like.  

I know I was older and somehow it makes it okay.  I somewhat consented.  Alpha made submission sound wonderful and always said the right things at the right times.  At the same time he never let an opportunity pass to let me know how imperfect I was.  I don't know if the female circumcision he spoke of and took me to gynecologist to further explore, would have made me a better slave to him or not.  I was already so broken by him, but I was also afraid of saying no.  I never really did say no, or yes, I just said nothing, the literature I was allowed to read scared me.  If I went through with it, from what I had read, I would never be the same and if I didn't I would never be his version of perfect.  To me it was a crisis, a moral dilemma that I couldn't resolve.  As glad as I am that it didn't happen today I'm still troubled by the feelings that I should have had it done.  Still more confusing, are the people (in real life) that feel I demonstrated a lack of trust in Alpha by not jumping at the chance to have it done.  What is worse than that I don't know if Alpha was just testing me or if it was truly planned.  All I know is that I couldn't speak.  I let the matter drop and hoped it was NEVER brought up again.

I can't resolve this in my mind, I talk to Omega and he listens carefully, shows unwavering patience with me.  Often he doesn't what to say to me that he hasn't already said a million times before. I don't want to feel broken, I don't want to be broken anymore.  I'm impatient and that makes it worse. Recently we've taken long strides forward, and now I feel like I'm taking giant steps backward.  As though Alpha is pulling into this darkness and I can't stop it from happening.  I feel myself spinning out of control.

17 comments:

  1. mouse:

    My pov is you have been through a nightmarish scenario about which we knoe only a little, and that certainly you cannot expect to simply put it behind you and forget about it. I would guess it helps to talk about, or even blog about, the situation. From reading your blogs and Omega's I believe you are on a good path, even if you fall off it from time to time.

    You have, it seems to me, done a good job of facing your past and putting it into perspective. That is a big part of healing, but you also have suffered a trauma that will not leave you unscarred. Scars heal with time, but they are still scars. With the good doctor Omega at your side, your scars will heal even better.

    Do you have any kind of activity that you do every day to try to even your keel, like meditation or exercise? These are things that can sometimes at least give you a focus that may help you when the tide is low.

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  2. Much love and hugs my dear sweet friend. I will email you in a bit more my thoughts. You are in my thoughts much today.

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  3. Sorry for all you struggle with mouse. *hugs* but perhaps maybe you might think of a counselor that deals with abused patients....there are even D/s counselors, yes they exist. I mean sometimes we all have to turn outside of our friends and loved ones and seek advice and help from experts. Just a suggestion, but it just seems you have been struggling with this for awhile and additional help maybe what you need. I wish you the best mouse!

    ~briseis~

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  4. Tom,

    Yes, my mouse has a few rituals she must perform on a daily basis and these are mostly of a meditative nature. Soon I will have mouse write about those as a journal assignment. I would like for her to explore her personal emotions as they pertain to the nature of those rituals, their importance, and how she feels performing them.

    Omega

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  5. Gray, kitty, Tom, Omega and briseis, thanks for the comments and hugs.

    The rituals actually do help keep me centered and focused, it's just lately I've been feeling more scattered than usual.

    As for therapy, been there, done that, got the cancelled checks to prove it.

    (talked about it a lot in the beginning of my journal)

    Honestly Omega has done more for me since July than any therapist ever did for me. Yeah I've been struggling with it for years now, first by not dealing with it and now finally dealing with it. It's not that I don't believe in therapy, I know many it's helped. I dunno it just didn't work for me. The therapist though she said and seemed be understanding about the whole D/s lifestyle, when Omega moved in and I told her we would marry she had a fit. She became judgmental and I found myself having less and less to tell her.

    Had I listened to her advice I would be alone, still afraid, and uncertain, more broken than I do now. Omega's right, I've come very far in a short time. I should be more accepting of that. Cutesypah is right too, I'm just recycling.

    Things happen like that story of the girl kidnapped and it just triggers something inside me. I dunno if it was because I remember hearing about the case or all the media coverage then and now, certainly in other countries this has happened. It didn't have that affect on me.

    Maybe it just seemed more personal or maybe it's me that has changed. Omega said I've grown since.

    mouse

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  6. I hope that you find the peace you need. You deserve to be feel complete and at peace. DV of ANY kind is a long healing wound. I imagine it is worse at the hands of some one we trust enough to give ourselves to.

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  7. Mouse,

    I have a bad back and saying that is a major understatement. I spent several months of last year laying flat and on serious pain killers and many more in therapy to avoid surgery.

    This past weekend on Friday evening I twisted the wrong way rolling up the water hose. I have spent much of the last few days laying flat on tylenol 3s and will spend the next few weeks working diligently to get back to where I was. I know these set backs will happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

    I think because what I have is physical it is easy for people to see and understand. My friends when told of this weekend all nod knowingly and accept it.

    Your situation is much the same just harder to see and perhaps harder for some to accept. However with all the work I do these episodes are further apart and shorter when they do happen. I hope and believe the same will be true for you.

    ~hugs~

    J.

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  8. mouse,

    As a new reader of your blog, i don't presume to know you or your Master. But i believe that you have found a strong, patient man who, while he may not have all the answers, maybe he knows that sometimes the answers must come from within.

    i have a history of being abused, not within the confines of D/s but for a very extended period of time. That experience, and the continuing process of "exorcising demons" has taught me that there is no "going back".

    You *are* dealing with your past, your emotions, your confusion... every flashback and dream and nightmare brings an amount of separateness, of.... scar tissue... toughening what was once an open bleeding wound into something still painful, but becoming more... i am tempted to say "manageable" but that's not what i want to say... i don't know a word right now. Something you can cope with.

    For me, it's the constant pushing, forcing me to "re-cope" with it, that drains and makes me feel as if i lose focus on who i am NOW, where i am NOW, and whose i am NOW.

    i am sorry for typing so much in a comment. Your words simply brought back the emotions that i deal with, and i... empathize deeply with what you go through.

    But never forget...you CAN do this.

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  9. dear mouse,

    triggers, sweetheart. You were as much a victim as that child (which case I found utterly tragic). YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME. YOU were brainwashed and emotionally and spiritually abused to the point where at that point in your life you were INCAPABLE of making reasoned decisions.

    I feel ill, thihking that that bastard (sorry, but its true) woudl even CONSIDER female circumcism- thank GOD for moral doctors! Anyone, ANYONE that criticized you for NOT jumping at that deserves to be friggin SHOT - idiots, stupid, destructive, MISGUIDED, IDIOTS. Female circumcisim is an ABOMINATION and anyone who encourages it, abets it, pushes it or condones it should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

    I think it is BECAUSE you are making strides that you are experencing so much turmoil right nwo. Before you can go beyond the horrible points in life, sometimes we have to face our demons. We also have to accept that they are not ever going to be completely gone - they are part of our past and as such cannot be forgotten. However, they CAN lose their power to control, destory or manipulate us.

    Keep working at it sweetheart, and remember that there is a very special Someone that is there holding your hand and walking through the night with you.

    s.

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  10. T, J Sir, Schiava, and selkie,

    I was never in a DV situation before Alpha so I don't know for sure but I tend to think of it as being similar. With the difference being Alpha should have known better and from what I gather did.

    That said I do feel stronger and I think the actual triggers are becoming fewer. At least I hope so. I totally get what J Sir was saying.

    That was my biggest problem with therapy dealing with those emotions each week, uncovering, reopening, closing only to do again the next week. It was draining and did cause me to lose focus on how much better I was, because I was always worried about the next shrink visit and how it would feel.

    Omega told me today that because I'm willing to let this stuff out in anyway and there is stuff I would NEVER write about in this blog, that I am healing and starting to reconcile with the past. He is equally quick to point out that the very process of making progress is painful. It causes me to revisit points of past pain. The Female circ, which I've blogged about before is a particular minefield for me since to me because I didn't, I was made to feel I was a bad slave--not submissive enough, not trusting enough. I wrote before it was the only time I was really given a chance to say no by him. I decided to, for the most part, say nothing.

    mouse

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  11. Mouse, there will always be triggers, things that roil your emotions and knock you off center. Over a period of time you will manage the emotions better. I say that confidently because you recognize the issues, feelings when they arise and you know Alpha was wrong.

    When those times come I tell myself the darkness is coming and I try to brace, focused on getting through it. I am better at it now than I was years ago. I do not know if it ever goes away, I know I handle it better.

    It will take time, much time for you to work through each issue. As submissives we believe if we just tried harder, bent lower, focused on him more, that would have some how made things better. It is simply untrue. Some people are past sadists, I do not know the word, but it is past the give and take of ttwd.

    It was wrong and unnatural for Alpha to want you to undergo circumcision. It was akin to asking you to have a voluntary physical lobotomy. It would have taken a large part of your humanity and destroyed you emotionally, if not physically. When I read that he wanted that, I am horrified. I fear it was as close to physically killing you as he could come without taking your life. Alpha was wrong. You had been subject to longterm abuse by that time and that is why you couldn't actively fight back. It is not that you made a decision or dodged his authority or resisted him and therefore could not be happy. Alpha was wrong. He was wrong.

    You survived and now you have the chance to live again. Moreover you have Omega, who clearly understands and accepts. You are a survivor. Keep evolving -- keep blogging, don't give in to the demons. CD

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  12. big ol' hug.
    And I'll mail you the brownie...

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  13. Mouse,

    I have never commented here before. In fact I have not read much, but my friend CD is impressed and moved by you and your journey and sent me over to your blog recently. It seems as you bare your soul here with such openness and vulnerability, many feel they have the right to tell you what to do, to direct, to criticize, First let me say that NO ONE should tell you what to do except Omega, when you allow that. I will make my comments expecting that you and Omega will consider and use what makes sense to you and discard what does not. That is how it must be.

    So, here goes: YES it is up to you to allow what you deem fit. When all is said and done, a submissive is still a rational and hopefully sane and balanced person. She needs to take ultimate responsibility for herself in her life. Self worth and healthy decisions would be a part of that. I think any dominant worth his salt WANTS his submissive to both say and expect what will keep her healthy and strong and whole. Our instinct towards self preservation is a life affirming thing, and should not have to be disregarded.

    There was a discussion about Omega being an administrator on your blog and some objections were voiuced. 1st, your blog, your relationship, your life. 2nd, I don't understand...you are advised to allow yourself to be cut, but then your dominant overseeing your blog is an indicator of being overly controlled or abused? I am not a slave, and I am not even a very good submissive on many a day, but my husband does have the prerogative to do whatever he sees fit with my blog, as well as anything else in my life for my/our benefit, health and welfare. Isn't that is what a dominant does...care for and protect you?

    Dominance is not abuse. You know that. Emotional abuse is insidious and far reaching, into the mind and heart and soul. It is not over when it is over, and life events, emotional events, dreams and memories can trigger left over feelings, That is all part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, I would encourage you to realize that it is the healthy parts of you that protest and scream over the trauma. You were well enough to feel abused and to react! So someone told you if you were a "true submissive", a "good slave" you would have allowed the circumcision? OMG thank God for your sense of self value and preservation. Does Omega ask that of you? No, because he is sane. That's it. This is not about dominance or submission, this is about a man who was damaged and damaged you as opposed to a man who loves, heals and supports you, as you are, with you mind and body parts in tact!

    Coming back most often involves long strides forward and then long ones back, yes that is the way of all progress. It's hard but it is what it is for almost everyone...growth and healing is like that.

    My advice: You just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing. It is clearly working! The big picture is a good one. Overall you ARE moving forward. I think if you can step back your vision will be clearer and your progress more apparent to you. I am cheering you on, for you, and all victims of abuse who find the courage to fight their way back!

    Sara

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  14. CD, Jz, and Sara,

    Thank you for taking the time to comment, CD is right as submissives I think we are more prone to go to an extreme to please. We seek approval.

    I need chocolate.

    Yes, I'll admit when Omega first asked for the keys to my blog, it rattled me a little bit, it was giving him a lot of power over my creative thoughts. However I saw the reason behind it and I accepted it. He uses his power wisely and I have faith he will continue to do so. Domination is totally different from abuse. I don't always trust my judgment. Or trust myself that if Omega did become abusive that I would see it right away or recognize it.

    mouse

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  15. What selkie said about the female circumcision. She was a whole lot nicer about it than I would have been. I can't believe people told you that you weren't a good slave because you didn't immediately accept it. Are they insane??? They shouldn't even call it circumcision... they should call it female castration, cause that's what it is.

    And I don't think what Alpha did to you was okay at all... not even somewhat. Doesn't matter if you consented to it at first. You weren't aware of what he was truly doing to you... so in that sense, you didn't consent to it. I was a child when the abuse happened to me, but I don't consider what happened to me to be any worse than what happened to you just because I was a helpless kid and you were an adult... abuse is abuse.

    And don't concern yourself to much about the set backs... like Sir J said... they're part of the healing process. Every time you take a step back it just means your about to take 3 more steps forward. Eventually you'll get there.

    I'm so glad that you have Omega in your life. Yeah, he may do things you don't like, but he does them all with love and with your best interest at heart. The love between the two of you is so infectious. While you are helping each other heal, through sharing your love and your stories, you're doing the same for others.

    *hugs*

    ~spirited

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  16. oh, mouse! what a long way you've come. as one of my first blog friends, I'm so happy for you that you've such progress.

    hugs and love,
    cutesypah

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