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Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Submission Assignment

I've started this now twice, both times going into long arduous detail, painstakingly going through the minutia of my life trying to understand what made me submissive. What drove to submit everything I am to Omega. How did I know I was a slave? Was it because I was made that way, or would I have become that anyway?

I came to the very real conclusion that my submission is like a bonsai tree, started by seed. I remember reading somewhere that is the most difficult way of starting one. The seed was planted by Alpha in the two years he groomed me before taking everything I was inside and out. When he died, eight years beyond I was left depleted and lost, searching for answers to questions I couldn't comprehend because simply put none was explained. That seed was forced into the ground in a very harsh and uncaring way. I was unprepared for it. The ground was rocky and unsuitable, too dry, not enough sun, not enough rain. The ground was never prepared properly and by that I mean nothing was every thoroughly explained. Had it been I doubt I would ever have agreed to it. How could anyone agree to have their very spirit stripped from them, and in nothing put in its place?

That spouting seed wasn't tended well either, nearly choked with weeds, lack of sunlight, and very little water, but somehow it survived the desert conditions under which it was planted. It may not have gotten adequate amounts of what it needed, but it somehow it got just enough to survive. After Alpha's death it was almost forgotten completely, just left on its own. After a few years and my own research into the subject I noticed the plant had somehow grew, a gnarled bent slightly askew trunk, and a few branches with sprouting leaves. I looked at it with wonder of how something so striking could grow out of something so desolate.

Then Omega wandered back into my life, and started clipping away the bad growth, encouraging new. He pulled weeds, removed the rocks which choked the roots and transplanted it into the rich prepared soil it needed. Tending it and making certain it got all that it needed to not only survive but to thrive. I was allowed to ask questions and got answers, honest answers. I was able to ask him, "What am I?" I listened carefully to all he had to say, not trusting completely that he was honest but wanting to believe he was. I crosschecked his answers with others. He not only understood how to care for the bonsai but was a proficient at its care. He clearly understood more than I ever could about the bonsai. As he clipped and tended, turning it so that it didn't always face the same direction, giving it water when needed, it surprised him by starting to display little tiny buds of delicate blue flowers, cascading over it.

And he saw it was good and that pleased him. The bonsai is happy thriving now, and as is the slave. Yes the branches are still gnarled, and it doesn't grow straight, but it flourishes in any event.



12 comments:

  1. mouse, what a beautifully illustrative answer to your assignment. Truly, the human spirit is exaclty as you describe, hardy in its own way, but affected always by the conditions in which it grows.

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  2. This is such a beautiful post. I shall never look at a bonsai tree the same.

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  3. My mouse,

    Very beautifully said. However, I do not believe I deserve as much credit as you offer me. If anything he deserves more credit than either of us are willing to give him. Whatever the condition he did plant the seed.

    Moving ahead with this bonsai theme:
    In regard to the gnarled trunk and branches, do you believe it became that way because after his death, you were left much to your own devices in regard to your submission? Left alone to discover on your own what it was supposed to mean in a healthy relationship? Perhaps it simply suffered from spurts of growth, followed by spurts of repression?

    Omega

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  4. Thank you so very much to both selkie and Gray.

    Omega, you deserve all the credit, you were the reason I continued to think about submission at all. You were the one that showed kindness and since I knew you were into the lifestyle, it left me more confused.

    Yes, I do think that my growth was stunted a lot along the way (until you started coming around). I think there was a lot of damage done by conducting my own research, just because of all the crap information out there.

    I had no way to filter the right from the wrong, I just had to go with what made sense in my own head. And even that didn't always work out right.

    mouse

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  5. mouse,

    your journey and revelations continue to warm my heart and inspire me. i am so happy you and Omega have formed a wonderful and strong relationship out of what Alpha planted. Was it Alpha that introduced you to each other? If so maybe your journey with Alpha served as the road to lead you to Omega?

    *hugs*

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  6. The bonsai tree was a wonderful metaphor to explain a very difficult situation well done.

    In the garden of life we are lucky to have such a tree.

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  7. I just wanted to add, mouse, that to continue your metaphor, I honestly find the gnarled, twisted and unusual trees FAR preferable to pristine sweeping trunks and proper leaves. The odd ones carry with them so much more character, tell so much more of a story and in many cases, offer FAR more interesting places to explore.

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  8. I like your parabale of the bonsai tree. You have put a lot of effort and thought into this. I think you under wise leadership to set you on such a path of self discovery. I sense from reading your contentment has grown as well. As a loving owner, he is caring for you and leading you into your contented service to him. I am happy for you.

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  9. kitty,
    I'll email you more about that.

    Sir J and selkie,

    I can't accept all the credit, Omega has a small Japanese painting of one hanging in our bedroom, it's actually part of a few water color images I guess--hanging in a row. Anyway I was staring at it and thinking about my assignment. I started thinking about how I'm kinda like that bonsai plant in the painting. It's all gnarly but still pretty. There is something about it that just spoke...

    s-h,
    thanks so much...

    mouse

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  10. Beautiful... truly beautiful... your soul is exposed so wonderfully here. The essence of truest submission!

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  11. Tiggs,

    Thank you so much!

    mouse

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  12. This is great!
    I can't really add much to what the others have said but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed it.

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