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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Rejection

As slaves and subs, I often wonder if because we crave our owners approval so desperately, we don't go too far to get it.  I'm not talking about abuse, but just in a regular power exchange type relationship.  CD's comment from a couple days ago got me thinking about how I am.  For example, I know Omega likes a certain thing I do, because he'll tell me he does.  Naturally seeking his approval I will offer it more to him, try to perfect it further but in doing all that, somehow it has now lost its appeal and he rejects it.  


That rejection can send me into a tailspin.  It doesn't mean that he won't want it ever again, because the chances are great that he will, but for that moment I feel saddened by the rejection. Why doesn't he want it?  Is there something wrong with me?  Truthfully no amount of consoling will make me see that he didn't reject me, just what I was offering him.  At that moment it is personal.  As my submission to him grows the worse these feelings can become. 


That simple rejection can become overwhelming the slave, who suddenly finds her owner doesn't like that brand of coffee anymore (or whatever).  This can bring out a few different reactions, if the discussion is about coffee or anything small like that, the slave will likely just change brands, even if she likes the one she's currently using (but she might feel resentful if she does like the brand).  The second reaction, if it's not about coffee and something bigger, might be depression and feelings of rejection (read: omg he hates me now) and still another may be to become angry over the coffee.  Because it's never just about the coffee, it's about the thirty things he's rejected before rejecting the coffee.  I know in many ways that third reaction sounds much like a typical chick thing but I feel the failure in those 31 things, and yes I counted them, remembered each and assigned a number to them; each of those failures was that devastating to me.  This real life and it gets messy and just because I'm a slave doesn't mean my brain contains an on/off button. 


I think as slaves our lives become very much about routine and ritual, revolving around service to our owners.  Some owners do household chores, cook, and I'm told a few iron but their slaves obviously serve them in different ways.  Often if the floor needs vacuuming, Omega will lug out the vacuum and do it.  He doesn't view it as "slave work," he views it as something that needs doing and if I had the time I would do it.  However, even that can seem like rejection to me--because I view it as "my" job.  He had to vacuum to me means I'm doing a good enough job around here.  Yet, after dinner when he helps me clean the kitchen I don't view as a slap in the face.  I like it that he wants to help, plus it gets done much faster.  Or sometimes he'll tell me if he gets home from work early that he'll cook, I don't think of that as a slap in the face.  Well, unless he cooks chicken so it's perfectly moist and beautiful then I may feel a little slapped by that but only if he points it out.  Of course if the chicken is as dry as if I had made it, then certainly I wouldn't point it out.  Would I?  Okay maybe a little because in our 24/7 dynamic I'm allowed to tease him.



The point is not about culinary skills or lack of them, the point is as slaves I think we're prone to over-achieving and getting caught in our webs of insecurity.  Omega is very clear in the signals he sends to me, if he's had a bad at work, he drops his briefcase, hardly speaks to me.  He will tumble into the sofa, and loosen his tie.  It's my signal to offer him a cool towel.  But if he came home, and sat down, flipped on the TV and didn't speak to me or give me any indications I simply wouldn't know because I can't actually read his mind.  I can only anticipate his needs by his actions.  


If I do something and Omega says to me, "you didn't need to do that."  I hear something entirely different.  I hear, you didn't do it right so please don't bother doing it again.  


How do I get around this deep feeling of rejection?  Sometimes it's just not appropriate to ask questions, and you have to suck it up and assume they have their reasons.  For me that works sometimes if it's not very important, but also holding thing like inside leads to more problems and I think the way out is to talk about it.  I will go to Omega and give him the signal by asking him for permission to speak.  To us this means the discussion is lifestyle related.  I explain how I've been feeling, and what my issue is.  Sometimes he doesn't know when something is bothering me deeply.  Talking it out is only way we both are on the same page.


One of the things I absolutely love about Omega is that he's not only protective of my physical health but my mental health as well.  He doesn't want to do things that cause me deliberate distress or mental anguish as he's pointed out I've had enough of that in my past.   Yes if I tick him off bad enough he will tell me to be still, and turn his back on me in the bed.  It hurts me, sometimes worse than anything physical he could ever dish out.  I'd much rather be caned than suffer the look of disappointment in his eyes.

14 comments:

  1. my wife uses her rejection as a form of punishment. She has found it more effective then corporal. It hurts for sure.

    on the anticipating, I found about three months in that this is the skill I really needed to work on developing. I sometimes call it empathy too, tuning into her wants/wishes and anticipating. In the lack of clear direction, do nothing. Often my time as a submissive is spent waiting until needed. I find this is more appreciated then using the in-between time to manufacture needs for me to fill or worse, fretting, “WHY IS SHE NOT ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING, IS SHE ANGRY, DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG,,,,,,….” Instead, I find patience waiting for further direction works better for me.

    Anyway, good post.

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  2. S-H,

    Patience is always needed! LOL. I find I can read Omega fairly well but that's only because I've known him for so long. If I didn't, I don't know I could learn to.

    He's always controlled in appearance. Never ever looks rattled. If he actually appears rattled for any reason it's not for something small. It's huge. That said, he shows me more of him than anyone else sees. I do like that.

    mouse

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  3. Mouse,
    I have always had these same feelings of rejection and insecurity in my really very plain, run of the mill (read - vanilla) marriage. They are sometimes worse, when I feel like I can't do anything right to please him, and other times I'm able to recognize that it's most likely some other factor going on in his life that is the real issue. Maybe it is a chick thing. But it has certainly been the source of discord over tiem.

    So your post makes me wonder if my own insecurities and need for approval would be amplified in a more D/s type relationship, or whether you feel like your situation actually give you (both) a better way to deal with it.

    Your posts never fail to make me see things in unexpected ways. Thank you.

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  4. I think when we are in love we tend to over analyze things at times. A bad day for a lover can be construed as criticism on our part. Though sometimes you are so in tuned you can see the changes coming a mile off.

    I think SH is definitely right about patience. Though to be honest, after this many years, I still haven't perfected that! :)

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  6. if you just wait long enough then one day you will develop patience.

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  7. This is probably going to sound corny... but honestly. Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? If you haven't, I highly recommend it because it tackles this very issue.

    I used to get this way in every relationship I had (and I had no idea I was submissive at the time), but after reading this book it put a lot of things in perspective for me. Even now in my current relationship, the things I've read in that book have been a tremendous help.

    I'm not saying I don't still feel rejected in the moment. I think it's just a natural instinct for women to feel that way, but after I've had time to think about it and put it into perspective (which doesn't take that long for me anymore... it takes some practice) I can just shrug it off and move on as though it never happened.

    And I know exactly how you feel when you have those moments when you just don't know what he needs. Most of the time I can read Master and know exactly what he needs and other times I feel at a complete loss. At first, I used to just reel inside over it until I exploded... now I just ask him. I found that a simple "do you need me to do something?" goes a long way to making me feel better... especially when that simple question makes him smile at me. :-D

    ~spirited

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  8. I think the vulnerability of being in love makes us all hyper-sensitive about "failing".

    I've never read "Men are from Mars" but I know what spirited means. I've been trying very hard to learn to consider a situation from the guy's perspective. I think as women we do tend to over-analyze on occasion. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

    But knowing that doesn't help the feeling of failure much, tho', does it?

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  9. well, it's been a while since I've talked about codependence, or quoted any codependence books, but I felt it would be helpful to share this with you.

    What I hear in your posts is a habit of codependents. I, as a codependent, have a broken brain. Because I work so hard to read other people, and to do things to please them, so they will like me, I try to read their mind. And, because I don't find myself worthy, I read into their words and actions that somehow their choices are all about my having displeased them. The truth is, typically, their choices are simply that - their choices. and really, usually, have absolutely nothing to do with me. because they aren't acting on my choices, but on theirs.

    check out Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Codependence: what it is, where it comes from, and how it sabotages our lives." It was like reading my own personal journal. Pia is a counselor who is codependent. she talks of how her codependence has wreaked havoc in her marriage, and how she and her husband have learned to deal with it.

    I found it VERY helpful in learning to understand that people's choices rarely have anything to do with whether or not I'm lovable, acceptable, or a good or bad person, lover, or submissive.

    I hope it helps you and Omega too.

    just my .02. YMMV.

    always with many hugs, much love and mega moral support,

    cutesypah

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  10. Greengirl,

    I think, overall, if your D/s dynamic is a healthy one those feelings would be greatly brought under control through conversation.

    I find for myself that I'm much happier with 99% of his decisions, and that 1% I will discuss and go with what he decides, but it always would be discussed.

    Yes, there are times that I can't help but to wonder what it is he wants, because whatever I do seems wrong or unwanted. I think he forgets that my efforts are only to please him, which in turn pleases me. I have learned to be patient and remember that if he truly wants something he will ask for it.

    That goes both ways, he also must understand that I can't simply read his mind and know what it is he wants.

    Hugs to you GG,
    mouse

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  11. Gray and J Sir,

    I totally agree with both of you. I'm so much more patient than I used to be. But I also view patience as a strand of thread, if it's made to stretch too far it will break.

    mouse

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  12. spirited one and Jz

    I did read that book a long time ago, but since lost my copy, however as I writing the typical responses to the he says, she thinks scenarios, I did think of that book.

    I'm really good at reading Omega too, because he's very clear in his signals he sends, and a bit predictable in his responses when he's had a bad day or whatever. It's when he's stoic I have troubles. I can't read him that easily. I have to ask, or just wait.

    Exactly Jz, to most men a cigar is just a cigar. I'm not in anyway suggesting that men lack dimension, but often they think they're being clear but the truth is because we visualize things differently is where the conflict arises.

    Omega often sees a map in his head, there is Elm St. and it crosses Baker St. Whereas I see, the green house on corner, and the blue house that has those lovely daffodils in the springtime.

    I will always know even if the houses change their colors that is where Elm and Baker cross, but I would never remember their names or tell you if I go north or south to get there.

    Somehow we both end up in the same place but our mental process of getting there is very different.

    mouse

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  13. cutesypah,

    I used a lot of the examples to highlight how rejection can feel. Often I think the little things like the silly coffee example can lead to feelings of rejection in the way men and women look at things.

    I don't honestly have a lot of that issue with Omega, but if he were different I could see totally where I could.

    mouse

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  14. I lost my copy of the book too... actually I lent it out and never got it back. The same part comes to mind when I start "misinterpreting" what Master says and it just makes me rethink things. I actually think it's pretty amazing how a man can say something, and we can just hear something completely different.

    Another part of that book that always comes to mind is the bit where men tend to go into their caves. When Master becomes hard to read, I generally assume he's in his cave and just leave him be (while trying to convince myself it's not my fault). I might test the waters a bit by asking him if he's okay or if he needs something... but I've learned to be very wary of the dragon in his cave.

    The saying, "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup" always comes to mind. LOL

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