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Saturday, September 5, 2009

So, I have issues

I have issues at times with my slavery. I sometimes read other people's blogs and think there is NO way I could be that submissive to Omega. There is no way I could just take whatever he said at face value and not question his wisdom, or ask at the very least ask why. I'm not talking about everything, if he asks for another cup of coffee I'll get it. Or if I notice his cup is nearly empty I'll just ask him if he wants more. If he tells me to do something generally speaking without question I would do it.

That said, but what if he started making different requests, like the brunch with the girls thing I do once a month, what if he started telling me that I couldn't go? What if he said that he didn't like them, and they were a bad influence? In general I doubt he would, he understands that friendships are important to slaves, outside connections often provide a needed balance and create more submissive feelings. Slavery does change the way you act, no question about it, but you never that base of who you are deep down.

I did the don't ask any questions with Alpha, and to be honest it made me feel bad to question, and I would often self punish myself for even having such thoughts. Of course that pleased Alpha when he learned of it. He felt I was right to punish myself because a good slave never ever questions her Master even mentally. Period. A good slave also has no limits, and no choices.

This is where I really become confused about my slavery and submission to Omega. I do have limits, and Omega is always careful not to cross them. My problem is I don't always recognize where my limits are but now Omega sees clearly where they lie and either changes the direction or stops play (if there is no where else to take it). I've said it before elsewhere that spankings make me feel terrible but I do get benefit from them, generally speaking Omega doesn't spank with his hand, he likes the cane, a paddle, or his belt for it. He loves it when my butt is all red. The paddle is the easiest to take because it's a paddle and is wide surfaced, but he can give me a good hard wallop with it, which makes it sting. The leather belt stings like the dickens but in a different way from the cane which at least to me, is the worst and hurts the most. He'll do it until the tears come freely, and then he stops and holds me. He will do that at very least twice a week, and it helps to relieve my stress and probably his. He always makes certain he is in the right state of mind when he does it though. And never does it when he's actually angry, but instead waits until the intense feels have passed or subsided greatly.

However that just makes him a good dom, but what about me? Am I a bad slave? Omega would say no but in reading some of those other blogs I have to wonder.

So much for perfection, eh?


  1. mouse, there is NO such thing as perfection. You are as perfect for him as he is for you. Please don't judge yourself or your submission based on something else you have read.

    *great big hugs*

  2. oh mouse, i bet to Your Master you are perfect dear! We all struggle at times with our slavery. i have so much to learn still and surrendering all limits to my Master, and just doing whatever He desires just works for Us. Life is easier with no worries, no choices for us. But each D/s relationship is different..what works for me may not for you...and that's truly the beauty of it, that each one is unique and we each are truly here to surrender as our Masters desire. mmm how awesome is that!!

  3. Gray,

    Yeah I know you basically said what Omega said to me when he read it. I just get these moments of doubt and confusion. I don't think Omega understands it, he's always so confident about everything.


    thanks for commenting life is easier with no worries or choices. Not having to choose between the chicken or steak, soup or salad. I dunno maybe I'm just hungry. LOL


  4. mouse,

    I will write this here in case you forget, anytime I have asked you to ponder your submission it has lead to a bounce-back period where you delve deeper, possibly than you should. It is natural and expected. I enjoy all your thoughts.

    I do not want a slave where I must micro-manage every facet of their lives. I will gladly take on the heavy lifting, but I have done the micro-management in the past and it is not what I want now. All I want by my side is you. Those relationships, while all exciting in the beginning, quickly lost their luster. I would find myself resentful of having to decide for them if they wanted the steak or chicken. I had no one to blame but myself because I had insisted on it in the beginning.

    I have explained, I cared for them, protected, did everything within my power to keep them safe from harm, but I did not love them. It was far easier to keep a slave in line when love was not present to complicate the matter. While it was paramount that they love me, I did not ever share those feelings and isolated myself from them. I suppose I used protocol and ritual to keep them at arms length from an emotional perspective.

    I am now convinced that is why they did not last longer than a year and few months. That type of relationship becomes very dull after enough time passes and either the dynamic must change or, they must part ways.

    Our dynamic mouse is different than the ones we both had in the past. For one we love each other deeply, we care and we are friends. I cannot fathom growing old with someone I could not laugh with.


  5. Mouse,

    You don't know me, but I've gone back and read your blog from the beginning as best I can tell. You appear to me to have a common attitude problem many submissives have. Don't be offended, I don't mean you have a bad attitude, just that you have possibly a slightly misaligned one. Not to be cliche', but you are the medium, Omega the artist. Your first concern should be that you choose a master that will create from you something you will be proud and happy to be, then allow him to do that for you. I'll try to be polite, and simply say that this Alpha master did not seem to be doing that with you. He was making something from you that you didn't want to be. Omega seems more to be turning you into something you DO want to be. IF Omega is making of you something you do want to be, you should try to allow yourself to flow with that. You shouldn't question everything he ever asks of you, but an occasional question is in no way disrespectful. Any dom who claims otherwise should be immediately suspect. As far as feeling badly even to think of questioning your master, perhaps you could analyze why you are questioning. Do you really question his motives and methods (And Alpha's methods probably left you understandably prone to that), or are you trying to clarify what his end goal is? You can only become what he wants if you understand clearly what that is. If you question for that reason, I think you're being a better sub, not a worse one. Just my opinion.

  6. You are only human, and every relationship is different. Based on the posting I read, it sounds like your Dom is very aware of your needs. I think you both balance each other very well.


  7. Aweeeeeeeeeee at Omega's comment..:)

  8. I don't know... I kinda worry for those who say they don't have issues with their submission. It's not easy... it's not supposed to be... and if it is, I don't know. Maybe I'm not experienced enough in this lifestyle to get it, but something just seems wrong about it to me.

  9. MagnusCattus Sir,

    Thank you Sir for taking the time to reply to my post.

    In regard to Alpha I am writing all this with the perspective of hindsight. When I went through it all, I certainly wanted whatever he wanted. I as very much in love with him. However what he wanted left me with issues I still deal with today, though it has improved.

    However, you are right Omega is turning me into something I want to be and I do trust him.
    My questions are mostly related to finding out the thought process behind them, not meant as a question to his authority. Omega is very clear in his requests or demands. I get curious about they reason behind the demand or request; like why does a certain ritual seem to make me more submissive? Normally I don't ask about it right away but do as he asks first and then later ask more about it, like I said the reason behind it. Was there a reason, or comment on how it made me feel, etc.

    Again thank you for giving me more to ponder,


  10. CK,

    Thanks for the comment and welcome!

    I know...I wanted to comment to back to Omega but honestly couldn't figure out what to say...or how to say it...

    spirited one,

    Welcome and thanks for commenting, you brought up a good point, I tend to agree. I wonder if Dom's question themselves?


  11. mouse, when I read this I thought of course we question things. Of course you have issues. Of course it's impossible to be perfectly submissive.

    What if he told you to dump your friends? What if he told you to shave your head? What if he told you to quit your job?

    You might do those things, but I'm sure they would entail some soul searching and some questioning.

    I know that for my Dom, knowing that I do struggle with some of it is part of the thrill, part of the power exchange. The more I struggle and still obey, the more power he has. Or something like that.

    Interesting post.


  12. mouse, anyone dealing with issues can tell you the easiest and fastest to make yourself crazy is by comparing yourself to someone else. No one can be a better you than you. You can never be as good as someone else, than you can being yourself. Comparison is not a bad thing per se; but the tendency to self-judge and be overly critical of one's self based solely on comparison is another path to insanity, imho.

    please remember that Omega didn't choose another - he chose you. So he doesn't want the actions of another - he wants your actions. You didn't choose the master or owner of another - You chose Omega. You wouldn't want the other master's actions or choices, or orders - you want Omega's actions, choices and orders.

    I've been where you are a number of times, comparing myself to others in the D/s "arena." I always came up 'short' in comparison. The truth was that I was always selling myself short because I was never as good being someone else as I was great at just being myself.

    Just be yourself. You're the best you, and that's who Omega loves, wants and needs.


  13. mouse,

    I think the good ones definitely do. How else could they have gotten so good at what they do? :-D

  14. No one is perfect and you can't compare your submission to anyone else's. If the way you submit is pleasing to your Master and works well for you that is all that matters. Of course as easy as that is for me to say, i often find myself judging my submission and if i am a good submissive, not only by things i read, but also by friends and aquaintances i have who are also submissive. i wonder if i am a good submissive and why they do this better and that better.
    As far as questioning, that is human nature. It is hard for us as thinking human beings to just obey mindlessly something we don't understand. At times i will ask Daddy why we are doing something or whatever. Sometimes He will tell me, sometimes He says i don't need to know, i have to accept that, but i don't think i will ever stop asking.

  15. So i am late commenting on this post, but i'm playing catch-up here!

    mouse, i really love how openly you express your thoughts here. i know how difficult it can be, and i appreciate it very much.

    i have the same tendency - comparing myself with others and coming up on the short end of the stick. But one thing i have remembered is that what we read in blogs is only part of the story. Either folks use their blog to gripe and complain about their Master or their relationship or their failures...or they paint a rosy picture of life in their relationship.

    i know i tend to do the latter, as my Master (Padrone) has pointed out often. But i just don't like airing dirty laundry, that's why i don't type about the negative as much as the positive.

    Anyway.... i think the one thing that i learned that has helped me more than any other thing at all, is that while i will never be "a" perfect slave, i will always be HIS perfect slave.

    i am who he wants, what he wants, and i always will be.

    Yes, i question his motives, much like you say you do - why that rule? Why not this one?

    And as i have learned about *why* he does things he does...i have also learned how to offer things that please him, using my own creativity to embellish his thoughts and enhance his desires.

    It works well for us.

    i admire you so much, not only for what you have obviously gone through, but because of your deep desire to be the woman that most pleases your husband. Your dedication and love and submission shine through your words here. Thank you again for opening your heart and mind and sharing yourself with us. And thank you, Omega Sir, for allowing her to do so.

    *turning off the word faucet now, ugh*


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