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Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Heart has its Beaches...

I'm sticking with the Grateful Dead theme!  

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
But the heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
but the heart has its seasons, its evenings and songs of its own.
                                                --R. Hunter

I don't think about what I write until later.  I dunno.  It's not like I'm not here when I'm writing it, it just comes to me like a wave.  A post is something Omega wants me to do each weekday or on a weekend if I have something special to say or I'm bored.  Sometimes I really don't know what to write about, which is how I ended up writing about Lucy the other day and the banquet post before that.  I was just telling the story about how she was throwing rocks at the moon.  She was upset with Schroeder for saying no.  Then I started getting comments about it and suddenly I realized I wasn't just writing something about her but myself.  I was writing about how I have changed.  

It used to be that I would have gone over to her house, emptied a couple bottles of wine and bitched along side her about what a mean ass Schroeder was for saying no.  Even if I thought the Everest thing was unreasonable, I would support my girl friend.  Instead I handled it differently, I channeled Omega.  See, Omega does that to me when I get down, he just listens and lets me talk it out with myself.  He lets me work it out with my own words.  He doesn't interject or even nod.  He just listens and eventually I start to talk around, and work my way to what I need to say.  He doesn't try to validate my feelings or tell me how to feel, he just listens as I work it.  

I know what I should feel, and how wrong or right it is; but I'm afraid to say it myself.  It's easier when someone else chimes in and says it for you, or the opposite of what you really need to hear.  But when I finally say it, myself, and out loud, it suddenly becomes very real to me.  I can't get defensive, I can't lie to myself, because I know if I am lying.  Someone else might not but I will.  I have to accept it as being the truth.  

That was what I did with Lucy that night and eventually she saw that he was right in saying no, and she accepted it.  It doesn't mean she was happy that he was right, but she knew it.   I'm not sure what it means that I used Omega's tactics on my friend, he normally uses on me but whatever the reason it worked. 

I think sometimes I forget how big of an influence he has on my life.  Yeah he's my Master but I'm talking beyond that obvious connection.  He has worked hard to help me find the balance I need.  It's not always perfect but it's honest.  We work well together and I can't argue with results like I've felt.

Ayn Rand once wrote; learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness. Omega has fought for mine; I just never understood how hard until recently.   Now, I'm learning to fight for it too.



  1. I really relate to your description of Omega's influence in your life, even in your behavior. I have seen the same in my life as a result of my relationship with Padrone.

    It's kind of hard to explain, in a way. For me, it was a kind of "light bulb moment" - put into a situation where I could choose to behave in my old manner, or behave in ways that I had a flash of understanding regarding....ways Padrone behaved. It wasn't really a conscious choice, just kind of... Oh yeah! THAT'S what he meant!

    And the results were what I now expect - but really surprised me and made me think, initially!

    It's such an incredible feeling when we just....unconsciously, for the most what we don't even think about, it comes naturally for us because we've accepted as a way that really works well...

    Ugh, hushing now because I'm rambling. Great, thoughtful post, mouse. Thank you!

  2. I think we all could take a lesson from Omega. A lot of people think when you are talking that you want them to fix things. But most of the time a good sounding board is all that is needed, along with patience and sooner or later, we'll see what we can do.

  3. just a lurker (who just started up a little blog) saying hello :) your blog is so well-written and interesting, and i'm very appreciative that i've found it.

  4. the guidance of a loving person in your life can be a great self discovery tool. Glad you have one for yourself.

    “ the water side I will lay my head. Listen to the river sing sweet songs, that rock my soul.”
    -Brokedown Palace

  5. It sounds likie a lot of unsettled issues are starting to find their rightful place in your mind, kind of like a defragmentation, to put it in modern terms. I really like the reflective and optimistic mood of this piece.

  6. You're absolutely right. It gets through and stays there SOOO much better when it comes out of your own head.

    I like that you take that approach tho'. And it shows in your posts, too, I think. There's a nice tone showing up these days. :-)

  7. schiava, O has had such a positive influence on so many parts of my life sometimes I feel guilty I haven't noticed or payed attention to how much I've changed. Weird.

    Gray, I agree totally.

    maggie, Welcome!

    s-h you are so right about the guidance. Yet another great song...brokedown palace...

    DT, thank you I really mean it.

    Jz, I think a lot has changed I just don't really get it. But what the hell, I'll go with it. ;-)

    Thanks everyone,

  8. mouse,

    I would hope these posts are more than just something I want you to do.


  9. Omega,

    I worded that wrong. I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply it was a chore or something like that. Well, sometimes it is--if I don't know what to write about.

    It's just sometimes I don't know what to say or what I'm feeling even, but in the case of this post it came and was very clear to me.

    your mouse

  10. You are a good friend and you have a great husband. Learning to listen well is an incredible skill. Mostly, it is showing respect for the other person, allowing them the opportunity to speak and think without passing judgment or circumventing their thoughts. The cautions and cares Omega shows you, you are able to share those with others. He builds you up and in turn you can build others. That is pretty awesome.


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