Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
But the heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
but the heart has its seasons, its evenings and songs of its own.
I don't think about what I write until later. I dunno. It's not like I'm not here when I'm writing it, it just comes to me like a wave. A post is something Omega wants me to do each weekday or on a weekend if I have something special to say or I'm bored. Sometimes I really don't know what to write about, which is how I ended up writing about Lucy the other day and the banquet post before that. I was just telling the story about how she was throwing rocks at the moon. She was upset with Schroeder for saying no. Then I started getting comments about it and suddenly I realized I wasn't just writing something about her but myself. I was writing about how I have changed.
It used to be that I would have gone over to her house, emptied a couple bottles of wine and bitched along side her about what a mean ass Schroeder was for saying no. Even if I thought the Everest thing was unreasonable, I would support my girl friend. Instead I handled it differently, I channeled Omega. See, Omega does that to me when I get down, he just listens and lets me talk it out with myself. He lets me work it out with my own words. He doesn't interject or even nod. He just listens and eventually I start to talk around, and work my way to what I need to say. He doesn't try to validate my feelings or tell me how to feel, he just listens as I work it.
I know what I should feel, and how wrong or right it is; but I'm afraid to say it myself. It's easier when someone else chimes in and says it for you, or the opposite of what you really need to hear. But when I finally say it, myself, and out loud, it suddenly becomes very real to me. I can't get defensive, I can't lie to myself, because I know if I am lying. Someone else might not but I will. I have to accept it as being the truth.
That was what I did with Lucy that night and eventually she saw that he was right in saying no, and she accepted it. It doesn't mean she was happy that he was right, but she knew it. I'm not sure what it means that I used Omega's tactics on my friend, he normally uses on me but whatever the reason it worked.
I think sometimes I forget how big of an influence he has on my life. Yeah he's my Master but I'm talking beyond that obvious connection. He has worked hard to help me find the balance I need. It's not always perfect but it's honest. We work well together and I can't argue with results like I've felt.
Ayn Rand once wrote; learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness. Omega has fought for mine; I just never understood how hard until recently. Now, I'm learning to fight for it too.