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Monday, October 12, 2009

Sitting With My Anger

Omega sometimes looks at me and knows I'm chewing on something.  Which means that I'm thinking about something really hard, generally by him noticing that far away look in my eyes.  I get quiet during those times.  See, I have this problem when I get passionate about something, my words can't find my mouth.  Recently, I got up in the air over something and actually called Omega a doodyhead.  Ya, a doodyhead!  What am I in kindergarten?   He gave me the look, the-mouse-what-are-talking-about-look.  That look, which makes me say oops.  I didn't mean to call him a doodyhead, at that moment I just couldn't think of anything to say.  I guess just about anything would have been better than that.  There were thousands of words swimming in my head at once and those were the ONLY two I could pull out.


My anger.  My rage.  I can't think.   Omega after hearing the doodyhead comment, told me in a rather abrupt tone to be still.  He was in effect telling me to sit with my anger until I could find exactly which words I needed to use.  Doodyhead didn't make the cut.  There are times I just don't express myself well.  I get into rant and lose my focus and it's frustrating to me because I'm trying to say something and just doesn't come across.  


Omega, Alpha and I are connected in a weird way that is hard to explain.  The two are totally different men and Masters,  but in some ways similar.  It's hard to explain the ways they were similar or are, and it's not like O deserves to be lumped into a category with Alpha in anyway because he doesn't.  


It's just that many of their overall philosophies on what a slave is and isn't, were (or are) similar.  Sometimes I think that mentally messes me up.  Now it's not everyday I think about this stuff.  But lately I've been trying to mentally reconcile it, to put it so it just makes sense to me and the only thing I can think is that Alpha was liar.  


I know Duh.


He said one thing and did another, using and twisting those ideals into something distorted and ugly.  He talked about one thing but often did the opposite, while Omega talks about something and means it.  Omega lives his life by the code he put down for himself years ago.  He doesn't justify it with double-talk, or confuse me.  He just does it.  I need that and respect it a great deal.  Omega is stable and the earthquake I used to live under has gone away.  I have also found that I don't miss the shaking ground.


I'm glad Omega doesn't do that do that to me or make me feel inadequate the way Alpha did.  I really have a peaceful easy feeling.  I have grown so much in the knowledge of who and what I am.  No one else can change that, diminish it with faulty logic, or try to strip it from me.  


It also makes sitting with my anger not nearly as horrible.  

18 comments:

  1. Wow, i haven't heard or read the word "doodyhead" in a LONG time! Not what one might want to call one's Master, but a heckuva lot better than OTHER things you could have said for sure! Heck, you could have called him a "titty baby" or an "idjut" (my mom wouldn't let us call each other idiot, so we got...errr... creative??).

    The comparison between Alpha and Omega is inevitable. The fact that there are similarities is inevitable. And it would not be surprising if you had problems trusting Omega, even in little things, based on those similarities.

    And I admire you for your control. I have the tendency to rant when I get angry, saying things (a tad stronger than doodyhead, I'm afraid) that I deeply regret. Then I usually have punishment AND the anger to deal with!

    I really appreciate your honesty here, mouse. :)

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  2. sometimes having a loving D/ who you can not direct your anger towards because they are so loving and perfect is just infuriating.

    ;-}

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  3. *giggles* I am definitely not laughing at your quandary but the very idea of calling Omega a doodyhead just makes me laugh.

    I have the same problem though, when I get angry I tend to shut down until I can sort out the words. Things always get said incorrectly if I don't take the time to figure it out.

    I hope that your anger has subsided and your week starts out well.

    Thank you so much for your comments on the Dinner piece. I had such a lovely inspiration for that one. So much fun!

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  4. I have found myself many times with a loss for words. Of course I open my mouth and the words roll off my tongue but make no sense or all not the words that I meant to speak. It's like my brain and mouth aren't communicating. I get frustrated. I usually toss out that nevermind or whatever comment which gets my butt into trouble.

    I am so happy for you that your life with Omega is so well balanced.

    Hugs,
    kitten

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  5. mouse: I have given you an award! Please stop by the blog to pick it up!:)

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  6. Thank goodness the word you found was doody-head There is a six year-old in my life so I hear it all the time. Granted, I suspect Omega is somewhat more imposing than an enraged six year-old.

    I am only at a loss for words when I realize the only words I can reach in my mind are hurtful and hateful. I choose the crushing migraine that accompanies stress of squelching my desire to rant over the option of hurting someone irreparably.

    Does be still remove you from the exchange? And when you are still is Omega also still, not questioning, exacerbating things? Is it a form of mutual time out?

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  7. I'm still giggling over the vision of the looks on both your faces as those words came out!
    I have to say, tho', mouse, that I think it's not all bad that your words can't always find your mouth. When I get worked up, my words find the detour around the crossing guard and swarm out willy-nilly.
    Doody-head is infinitely safer!

    hugs,
    Jz

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  8. schiava-- I was so angry at that moment it was the only word I could come up with. OMG, it was just one of those moments.

    You are right on the money about similarities causing me issues at times, but I'm really learning to separate them. It's not always easy but it's getting easier.

    sub hub--Oh I know...

    Gray--Oh yea, it was just one of those things, and it happened weeks ago actually, but I do dwell on things longer than I should. It takes me time to digest and put it or whatever into a perspective.

    CK--Oh ya, I sometimes sound about coherent as donald duck.

    CD--I think it's a mutual time out, but other times I wonder if he just doesn't want me to be quiet so he can think...LOL

    Jz--he had the oddest expression on his face. I really couldn't read if it was part anger and amusement....maybe in the middle somewhere.

    mouse

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  9. Mouse -
    Today, I missed the party. For what it's worth, "doodyhead" can be taken back, in fact "doodyhead" probably doesn't need to be taken back. Lots of other things would be very difficult to take back. The thing that is hardest for me when my husband and I argue is for him to walk away and not listen - even when i'm ranting and raving, and not actually accomplishing anything. Yet, somehow, I have the hardest time just shutting up. It sounds like you two have a more useful system.

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  10. *giggles* Sorry... doodyhead is so cute! It's certainly better than what I generally come out with, when in front of a 4 year old doodyhead would be much better.

    I said one day, not long back. "You're such an asshole." And my daughter asked me. "Why is daddy an asshole?" Oops!

    I think the fact that Omega and Alpha were friends might play into the similarities too. I mean it's similar ways of thinking and stuff that generally draws people into friendships in the first place. It's just good that Omega is much more honorable than his friend was even if they did have similar beliefs in what a slave is and so on.

    And don't feel bad... I don't think anyone thinks straight when they're angry. I generally pace the house with smoke coming out of my ears and biting my lip just to keep my mouth shut until I cool down. At least Omega tells you to "be still" when you have an outburst. I get two words too... "cold shower" :-O

    spirited

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  11. "Omega, Alpha and I are connected in a weird way that is hard to explain."

    What an interesting thing to say. Obviously it's true. Neither you nor Omega would be what you are today if you hadn't had Alpha in your lives. And your relationship might not even exist.

    I'm not going to go so far as to say you should be thankful, but I will say that maybe this is the silver lining.

    And yeah, I know I completely missed the doodyhead point. Sorry, the other just caught me.

    sin

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  12. green girl--you are so right. Even though I do lightly complain about having to be still, I will say it is very effective. Regardless of the reason for it..

    sin--that is a wonderful way of looking at the Omega/Alpha connection and one I too often forget about.

    mouse

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  13. mouse you seemed to have skipped spirited_one's comment.

    Cold shower are good words too.

    Omega

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  14. spirited...for craps sake....I dunno what I was thinking....

    You are right about Omega and Alpha, they had a lot in common lifestyle aside. So, it does make sense. You are right Omega is far more honorable.

    I wish when I get angry my message wasn't lost with words like doodyhead, but instead was able to just say what I needed. That to me is very frustrating.

    And I'm so very sorry!

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  15. ugh...for skipping you...

    (I really need a lot more coffee)

    mouse

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  16. and here I was thinking you were just glossing over the "cold showers" part in hopes that no one would get any ideas...
    ;-)

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  17. LOL... no need to apologize... honestly... I don't get offended or upset over little things.

    I think the trick is to say what you need before you get angry, cause once you get angry it's too late... your brain shuts down. You know that stuff recently that's been bothering me that I emailed you about... well I was about to fume when I finally realized "hey, I should probably tell him what's up" and so I did (well in my journal anyway). I think if I let that one get too far I'd have been in serious trouble, but it felt good to get it out and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

    I think now that I did it once (getting it out before the anger hits) it'll be that much easier to do it again. Certainly beats feeling out of control that way. I hate being angry.

    Oh and jz... that's what I was thinking too. That's what the :-O was for. It suddenly occurred to me that I might have said too much. LOL

    spirited

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