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Friday, December 18, 2009

Good and bad....

Good news is Omega and met again with the therapist and had a great session.  It was shorter and we continued to talk for a couple hours afterward.  It went really well...I didn't need as much Kleenex either.  We discussed his triggers and the nature of his sexual addiction and the ultimate need of putting us first, which is something we did in the beginning of our relationship but somehow got away from.  I will admit that thoroughly it's hard putting us first.  Taking that time needed to fix us but its worth the effort.  When we finished talking I looked at my watch and jumped, as if  I expected that time had stood still for me, when naturally it hadn't.   I ran to do all my remaining errands.  


Even as I completed things my whirled around everything we said and how we said it.  He was so kind and understanding.   I've thought some pretty horrible things about him since that night he left and I don't feel guilty for those thoughts but I do feel like I should have trusted more my own instincts.  That's the biggest lesson I'm learning from all this.  I need to trust myself.  


We talked more about our relationship, and the therapist even reminded us that nothing is etched in stone.  There aren't any right or wrong ways, but when I'm feeling that I'm being shut out, he needs to let me in.  He can't use his position above me to shut me out.  It occurred to me at some point we stopped talking about what we wanted.  He said he was afraid to tell me and let me into his thoughts.  I've always thought that fear is the most powerful motivator because it can keep from harm but also keep you from doing what you know you should.   I'm not going to let any fear stand in my way.  I can hope that he won't either.  We also had the big talk about STDs and how I had to be tested for them all.  What that felt like for me, knowing I couldn't trust him.  Knowing that I'm not sure I can trust him in the future and he really had to sit and listen to that and realize that I was hurt on more than just a few levels.  Of course he assured me again that I had nothing to worry about but, I know it hurt him to hear all that but when his therapist validated my feelings I felt such great relief.  For now, no excuses he must use protection, which of course bugs him but there's nothing to do about it.  Hopefully at some point in the future I will be able to trust him enough but for now.  No.  


Bad news....I'm not at all ready for Christmas NEXT week!  Can you hear me screaming that there's too much too do and NOT nearly enough time to do it all.  Somehow I'll pull it all together, but with O gone, it's a lot more work.  I can't say enough how odd I feel about him coming home on Christmas Eve, since everyone and I mean EVERYONE will be here.  


I think though in the great scheme of things, I would rather feel overwhelmed over this than ever feel the way I did before again.  Omega's therapist believes he's actually ready to come home, but O's not there yet mentally.  I'm hoping that the party tonight will help with that.  I'm wearing my pretty red party gown and he'll be in his tux.  Maybe I'll even get the old guy with the bad knee to dance a little..


Perchance to dream?


Big thank you to all the people who have commented AND to the lurkers out there who care enough to read!  

9 comments:

  1. mouse, I am glad that things are going well for you both. Have a great time at your party. Thoughts, prayers, and hugs for you :)
    Ally

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  2. yay i'm so glad that you might get him to dance!! HAHA totally keep me posted on that. Its gonna be awesome tonight, I cant wait for details. Oh! Thanks so much for keeping me grounded the last few days. I have really appreciated the funny jokes and laughter you've brought my way to help me smile. I know that this is hard for yall right now but, you will get through it. I'm so happy to hear the positive tone and smile in your blog this morning. We all say nasty things when we're hurting and confused. Lots of hugs!! Email me tomorrow with details. You know its a crazy busy weekend for me!

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  3. I just wanted to wish you both the best in recovering your relationship together. You both seem to be truly examining yourselves and each other, and learning how to best restore things and move forward. I don't know you, but for some reason, I feel hopeful for you two.

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  4. I am really happy that you are both going to the therapist together. It allows you both to share and be honest with an unbiased party there to keep things even. I hope the party is a wonderful time and that you two do dance.

    *hugs*

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  5. i recently read a book, and a thought was stated there -

    "The greatest shackles we bear in this life are those forged by our own fears."

    i am so glad things seem to be on the upswing, and the hard stuff - big and small - will get easier as time passes. Earning trust is as difficult as learning to trust again, and i really deeply admire both of you for keeping your priorities straight and working hard to rebuild your strong, loving relationship.

    i know you aren't a Christian, but the Bible does say something i think is very true - we (humans) go through fires, and come out refined. That's what you two will do. What you have will be stronger, deeper, richer, and fuller as both of you learn more about each other and yourselves and purge the yucky stuff to let the refined gold shine through.

    *hugs* and have FUN!

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  6. Mouse,
    I so admire your strength. I do hope you find joy in the holidays and hope in your renewing relationship with O.

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  7. I hope your party goes well and life restores to a healthy normal soon.

    kitten

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  8. Knees, schmeeze! Reminds me of an excuse I once heard, "I can't dance, I have a bone in my leg." (!!!)
    It's a chance to hold each other, hello...
    Between that and the party dress, there should be no hesitation.
    (you may quote me on that.)

    Have fun!

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  9. mouse,
    Trust is an interesting concept, isn't it? I tend to be a person who gives trust quickly. For me it is not earned it given; however, the downfall to that is when my trust is broken I rarely return that trust again. I might care for a person but if the trust is gone, generally so is the relationship whether it be a friend, family or lover. This is my hurdle and I continue to work on it, still I am aware of my challenges and that is one of them.

    I am aware you have learned to trust Omega, something I will assume from your posts written now, and I think that is beautiful. A true testimony of the love you both share.

    I am touched you would share such growth so openly. Thank you.

    x

    ~cockdoll

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