Good news is Omega and met again with the therapist and had a great session. It was shorter and we continued to talk for a couple hours afterward. It went really well...I didn't need as much Kleenex either. We discussed his triggers and the nature of his sexual addiction and the ultimate need of putting us first, which is something we did in the beginning of our relationship but somehow got away from. I will admit that thoroughly it's hard putting us first. Taking that time needed to fix us but its worth the effort. When we finished talking I looked at my watch and jumped, as if I expected that time had stood still for me, when naturally it hadn't. I ran to do all my remaining errands.
Even as I completed things my whirled around everything we said and how we said it. He was so kind and understanding. I've thought some pretty horrible things about him since that night he left and I don't feel guilty for those thoughts but I do feel like I should have trusted more my own instincts. That's the biggest lesson I'm learning from all this. I need to trust myself.
We talked more about our relationship, and the therapist even reminded us that nothing is etched in stone. There aren't any right or wrong ways, but when I'm feeling that I'm being shut out, he needs to let me in. He can't use his position above me to shut me out. It occurred to me at some point we stopped talking about what we wanted. He said he was afraid to tell me and let me into his thoughts. I've always thought that fear is the most powerful motivator because it can keep from harm but also keep you from doing what you know you should. I'm not going to let any fear stand in my way. I can hope that he won't either. We also had the big talk about STDs and how I had to be tested for them all. What that felt like for me, knowing I couldn't trust him. Knowing that I'm not sure I can trust him in the future and he really had to sit and listen to that and realize that I was hurt on more than just a few levels. Of course he assured me again that I had nothing to worry about but, I know it hurt him to hear all that but when his therapist validated my feelings I felt such great relief. For now, no excuses he must use protection, which of course bugs him but there's nothing to do about it. Hopefully at some point in the future I will be able to trust him enough but for now. No.
Bad news....I'm not at all ready for Christmas NEXT week! Can you hear me screaming that there's too much too do and NOT nearly enough time to do it all. Somehow I'll pull it all together, but with O gone, it's a lot more work. I can't say enough how odd I feel about him coming home on Christmas Eve, since everyone and I mean EVERYONE will be here.
I think though in the great scheme of things, I would rather feel overwhelmed over this than ever feel the way I did before again. Omega's therapist believes he's actually ready to come home, but O's not there yet mentally. I'm hoping that the party tonight will help with that. I'm wearing my pretty red party gown and he'll be in his tux. Maybe I'll even get the old guy with the bad knee to dance a little..
Perchance to dream?
Big thank you to all the people who have commented AND to the lurkers out there who care enough to read!