Gotta say first this was O's idea, he reminded me that I haven't done one of these for a while, well since Thanksgiving, before everything went to hell or maybe it was just a visit. In any event New Years Eve seems to be the perfect time to be thankful. Right now, I'm thankful for Omega and all he's done to make things right between us. He went into rehab for his sex addiction because his life was completely spinning out of control, and that was a scary place for him to find himself in. His therapist and Jim both were suggesting it in the weeks leading up but something happened that just pushed him over the edge. I still do blame myself for that and ya, I know, everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault.
So, what does this have to do with being thankful? I'm thankful it played out now the way it did. I'm glad I made him see the thing that sent him over the edge, and I'm glad now we can finally talk about it. I needed that. I needed to know it's okay.
It is often said that women confuse sex and intimacy, well I gotta say men do it too. With O it's different, he doesn't use sex to feel loved, the way I believe women do, but instead to avoid feeling love. He gets what he needs out of it, a release but allowing himself to feel real love is nearly impossible. If he lets himself feel that then he's leaving himself too open for hurt or betrayal. What he doesn't realize is that by walling himself off like that he's denying himself. He's lying to me and anyone else. He'll tell himself it's better this way because then no one can be hurt but the problem is that HE can't be hurt. What others might feel is very different. He will say the right things at the right time to get the response he needs, but now I understand better how he was going through the motions of what he thought he needed, or what I needed him to be, instead being the man I know he was and can be again.
Sex addiction is the complication to an already complicated man (can you hear the Shaft Theme playing in the background--sorry that must be in my head), it fuels his desires and needs to the point of consumption or total annihilation. He's working hard on bringing those facets, complicated as they are, into one human; a simple mortal with failings. He is learning to accept his failings and I'm thankful that he is.
For me, I'm thankful that through this all I still love him enough for the both of us (at least for a while) while he tries hard to bring himself together. I'm working on my patience (tho everyone seems to think I have in abundance--I feel I don't). And I'm working on me too. The dark cobbwebby parts of me, the nasty bits, and the singing parts that make me, well, His mouse (yes I capitalized the "H" but don't get used to it).
Not at all the normal stuff to be thankful for, yet I'm thankful nonetheless.
I'm also thankful that I woke up for the first time in many days not feeling all stuffy, clogged and achy. I actually slept fairly well and got some rest....Yay me!