Vulnerability of slavery

There is a lot vulnerability to being a slave.  You are putting yourself into a position that you must completely trust the other person.  It's about fear, loosing yourself and its also about trusting that the other person (Master, Mistress, Top, Dom--whoever you give that control to) will use it wisely.  It is a very mentally vulnerable place to be in, to put yourself into.  This is true for beginners and those of us who have been around the block a few times.  At some point in your relationship there is there is a need for more, to further in just the tiniest way your submission or slavery.  Maybe there has been some gentle prodding to do so by your Owner, but maybe they're just patiently waiting for you to decide.  


As I said I really believe you must meet them at least half way.  And you have to be comfortable with that meeting, it can't just be forced or just because you it wish for it to be true.  It must be worked out in your mind, fears recognized, maybe embraced or banished.  Every slave I have known has been complex, diverse in their beliefs, just like Masters (or whomever) are.  Just because we're not on the "Top" doesn't mean that we're simple or completely easy to figure out. Yes, sometimes I'll agree we can be predictable but so can they.


As I wrote yesterday trust is the crux.  With deep trust, fear can't hide.  Without deep trust, fears can fester and cause you to act out in ways often you wouldn't.  It can come out in crying, begging, or just silence, stewing and pondering the same things over and over.  Talking about those feelings (with someone safe), writing them down, itemizing them, whatever works for you is the first step.  Sometimes you can't tell your Master (or again whoever) what the problem is, because you haven't exactly put your finger on it yet.  What exactly the fear is that's holding you back.  


When Omega was going through his issues and basically used his position to keep me quiet, it was wrong and it was equally wrong for me to just accept it--slave or not.  My fear was what kept it that way and allowed things to go further than they should. Maybe I couldn't have stopped it, but I'll never know because my fear of everything was too great.  In many ways I was back in that mental place I was in with Alpha.  Yes there were times I tried to tell him but I couldn't express the whole thing.  


But for me that was a good thing because finally at long last I was able to take all those out and look at them, examine each and deal with them.  I didn't put them back into their individual boxes instead threw them into ONE box.  Closed it up, put tape on it and labeled. it.  I saw for the first time really how I had contributed. The individual boxes were daunting and cluttering the bookcase of my life.  One box is much easier to manage.  I slowly realized, how I made things worse.  Trying to just maintain the status quo and accepting the earthquake.  Once I let go of that fear and set it free, my life became easier.  Omega saw it immediately.  The maintenance now is always followed up the next day (or later that night) with a frank conversation between us.  


All this has helped to deepen my trust in Omega despite everything. It has helped me become more balanced, stronger and better in all areas of my life, not just in my slavery to him.   Like I wrote once about being a bonsai tree, he clips and prunes, watches as I sprout new leaves, which become branches.  If they take away from my symmetry he removes them carefully.   He gives me water when I need to drink, and plenty of sunlight, turning me carefully to ensure even exposure.  Yes, my trunk is somewhat misshapen, gnarled, and twisted but he takes great care to make sure I don't become too top heavy, and break.  


I in turn take care of him, show him gratitude and support especially when things are hardest.  I am his mouse and becoming his perfection, his bonsai, his partner and slave.  I am a work in progress, just as he is.  I am never finished.  


While he may complete me as a person and slave, I am never completed.