A chance for growth?

Yesterday, as I was reading different blogs, my buddy greengirl wrote something about screwing up.  I wanted so much to comment but couldn't figure out how to word it.   I talked to Omega about it, and he said everyone does it, and likened it to taking a step forward and a few back.  I sat with that.  Just being still as I went about my duties and chores.  Chewing on it.   


I guess it's no surprise that I've taken more than my share of steps backward.  There is something about feeling so vulnerable to another that I think just makes you want to do that.  When I do take a step back, it's always because I just need to pause.  I need time to process what it means to me.  When O started the maintenance whippings on me, I was fine for a time, then balked.  I didn't know if I really needed it or wanted it.  But it also went deeper than because it was deepening my submission to Omega and at that time I wasn't sure I wanted that.   I also became more than a little resentful when he'd look at me and say, "mouse bring my strap and don't be poky about it, you are need of an alignment."  I mean can't I just have a bad day once in a while?


Taking those steps back helped me first to decide if I wanted all this.  Which of course I did that was the easy, short answer.  But it did something else for me that I hadn't really thought about until I read greengirl's blog yesterday.  It helped me understand the "why" I wanted it.  I had a feeling deep down inside that O was right about me needing it.  I couldn't move forward until I understood why.  Now during that time I more or less just went with the flow and it wasn't until I realized that I did want it and that it helped suddenly everything changed for both of us.


Now, I can call this embracing my slave inside, or my inner painslut, but honestly they all mean the same thing.  We are parts of the same person called mouse.  


So like greengirl I often am guilty of taking a few steps backward, and seeing those steps as horrible things, it made me feel uncertain, untrusting, and even somewhat a failure.  Or in other words If I hadn't questioned I wouldn't have had the problem to begin with and we'd just be moving forward.  The problem I was missing was that it was right to question things within myself.   To ask myself why, and wait for me to answer.  In no uncertain terms I have handed my life over to O...and yes with that it is really for him to decide.  He decides and holds the keys.  That doesn't mean that I don't question myself, or my wisdom in giving him so much power over me.  He knows it, expects it, and accepts it.