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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Newbie Tuesday: Different D/s types

Good morning,

Welcome to the 500th post of A slave's tale: mouse's journey!  Oddly, this was in no way planned it just worked out that today would start a new theme, called Newbie Tuesday.   Each Tuesday until mouse runs out of things to say to all the Newbies out there, she will post a topic that should be useful to the newbie or would-be submissive (and sometimes Doms too).

This old slave, and she uses the term "old" loosely has something to say to all the newbie and would-be Dominants and submissives out there.  First of all, mouse is going to assume you've done some reading about the lifestyle, looked at blogs, websites, etc., you probably have an account on Fetlife or CollarMe or both...

You've read the stories and have wondered about it all.  Maybe you've met a Dominant/submissive and are wondering if he's (she's) the one?  You believe everything he tells you, right?  Ok, aside from the obvious don't-believe-everything-you-read stuff we'll just assume that what (s)he tells you corresponds well with what you've read the lifestyle to be about.  They've admitted their strengths and weaknesses to you and you know or understand their character as a human.   This is important for all new Doms and subs. 

Just like people, there are different types of Dominants out there and there's nothing wrong with any of them -- but it's important that you understand them:  
  1. The Totalitarian: These like to micromanage and control every single aspect of a slave's life.  They thrive using their control and they will take command of every part of a submissive's life. 
  2. The Bedroom Dominant:  He's kinda like the Totalitarian except it's mostly in the bedroom where they shine brightest.  They demand complete control over their sub in bedroom (or playroom or wherever).  They don't like to be argued with when it comes to sex or play.  Everything else with these types isn't nearly as important to them.   
  3. The Everyday Dominant:  He falls somewhere in between the totalitarian type and the bedroom type.  They like their control, they thrive on different aspects of the lifestyle but they also appreciate their downtime from it all.  
Most Doms do fall into the "everyday" category, at least somewhat.  There are a few totalitarian types that that will bleed over into the everyday category and there are some bedroom types that will do the same.  Also, unless they are independently wealthy and are orphaned or raised by wolves, all people submit to something.  Be it a creator or a boss, board of directors, stockholders, laws or congress.   There is always something or someone even the MOST Dominant man  or woman must answer to.  

Likewise, there are similar categories for subs as well, the ones who crave total control and love the idea of a heavy handed Dominant.  The bedroom types who balk at anything outside the bedroom (or playroom).  And the everyday subbie, who thrives under most aspects of the lifestyle but still enjoys and craves her "downtime."

Problems arise, much like a mis-matched libido, when a sub looks for the wrong type of Dom.  She wants deep control and finds herself with the everyday type or the bedroom types.  Or she thinks she wants a micro-manager Totalitarian type only to discover that she's suffocated by the rituals and commands.

Same is true for Dominants, some Doms fancy themselves the take total control (because that's how they feel a Dom should be) and find themselves overwhelmed or not as happy making all decisions all the time. Meanwhile, they're involved with a sub who craves that level of control and becomes unhappy because their Dom isn't living up to his end of the bargain.

So the first thing is to shake the ideas of what a slave or Dom is out of your head, and start over with what you're really looking for in a partner, be it play or a long-term commitment and what can you offer them in return. Don't settle for less and don't hope they'll change or just become the person you want them to be.  Finally, don't mistake domineering behavior for Dominance.

Next week we'll discuss Honesty

Be seeing ya!  

Please feel free to leave a comment with future topic ideas or drop mouse an email.  

18 comments:

  1. Congratulations on post 500...what an achievement and what a good topic to choose, full of good advice, sensible and thoughtful as ever. :)
    HSxx

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  2. Wonderful idea & great first topic. You do have to know yourself before finding your match. Looking forward to next weeks topic.
    Hugs,
    Heather1

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  3. Congrats on 500 posts!!!

    I love this advice for newbies and even found it a bit enlightening for a not so newbie (myself).

    I think you have a great point about shaking off the "idea" of what is a "real" Dom or slave. Sometimes I still struggle with that part of all this!

    I know I have learned over the years with my Daddy that there are times when we just want to lay in bed and cuddle. Then there are days where that Sadistic Bastard wants to beat me up, in a good way, of course!

    Although, I am not sure what type He is because we have some mental health issues to deal with, I do know that He loves to control in the bedroom/playtime area for sure. I also believe it is possible for that to evolve over time. I will have to write my own little post about this! ... Check it out over at "The Pond"!

    ~Hugs~
    Lily

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  4. Yes it is helpful to admit our strengths and weaknesses to a potential mate. Can save unnecessary heartache to just be as honest as possible from the start ... look forward to next Tuesday.

    K

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  5. Great post.
    I'm pretty sure that even people raised by wolves had to submit to the top "dog" to survive into adulthood lol.

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  6. 500th post Mouse, congratulations. Think it's a great idea of yours.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  7. Love your new idea mouse and congratulations on post 500.

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  8. Well, now I've got the Stones stuck in my head, thank you very much! ;-p
    But it's a good song, so I'll deal...

    I like the point about how sometimes people's styles can just be mismatched. I think this is something people tend to forget. Like any couple, you have to click. Just being a dominant and a submissive doesn't mean the bell goes off automatically.

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  9. Congratulations, mouse! 500 posts, Wow.

    I think Newbie Tuesday is a brilliant idea. I'd like to ask the question, "When does one stop being a newbie"?

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  10. Congrats on 500! Btw I love this new thing you're doing! Some of us (me and my husband) are still super new to the whole thing. I'm looking forward to Tuesdays now.

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  11. I think the last comment you made may be the most astute--that many Dominants mistake dominance for Domination. I hope you will continue these discussions. I like this new turn.

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  12. Congrats on your 500th post... and awesome topic! Can't wait for next weeks... it sounds intriguing. :-D

    *hugs*

    turiya

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  13. 500 posts -that's good work mouse!
    Being a "newbie" I like this idea of yours :)
    Thankfully I realized a few of these things out for myself already at the beginning of my journey (well like from day one really) -maybe I've just come across enough assholes in my time to spot them from a mile off? LOL
    Yeah, CollarMe...full of idiots -but it's where I met my Master, so I won't drag it through the dirt too much! *L*
    Master is my first Dom ever and I was lucky to find someone that I match incredibly well with -without any 'mishaps' beforehand (you have to get lucky at least once in your life, right? ^^), I have developed and evolved a lot during my 7 months with him, he has found a lot of sides of me I didn't know I even had -and in 3 weeks time we're gonna meet for the first time! Scary as hell, but boy do I look forward to it! Just as I will your future Tuesday posts (and all others too of course ;) )
    Hugs, Sweet girl.

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  14. mouse,

    500 post is quite an impressive number! This new series sounds like it will be quite helpful to a number of people. Thanks!

    Love,
    serenity

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  15. Thanks for all the wonderful comments! This is something mouse has thought about doing for a while now....but just wasn't sure...Now she's thrilled she's started it.

    Jz -- Ya, had that song ringing through mouse's head ever since she came up with the idea...but ya...it's a good song!

    Monkey -- When does anyone stop being a newbie? Honestly there's always something to be learned, even this old slave can learn something new. However "newbies" are the ones that are really new to the lifestyle and are mostly exploring it as they explore themselves.

    Once a person has an understanding and begins living it, they start not being "new." Or maybe so new...They begin to find their groove in it all. Sure the record might have scratches (mouse knows your old enough to remember records) or it might skip even or get stuck...but with a little reset isn't always a bad thing.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  16. If he dies in surgery will you finally start talking like a human, and not in 3rd person?

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  17. Anonymous,

    The first amendment is alive and well, on this blog.

    mouse

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  18. Mouse,

    Your Newbie Tuesday idea is great. Can't wait for the next one.

    Joss

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