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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Newbie Tuesday: Honesty

Honesty is one of those tricky things because there are good, polite lies and bad lies.  We all have done the little polite lie thing, like when someone gives you a gift that you don't really like or need.  Before you have time to consider the monetary value for exchanging the gift the words, "Oh thank you, it's lovely," are leaving your mouth.  Why?  Because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.  At least that's why most normal people do.

Sometimes people lie for other reasons, afraid of getting caught doing something they're not supposed to be doing is common.  "No Daddy didn't smoke any cigarettes today," might be a common one around here and one that hardly ever works.   There are other reasons for lies, complete and total fear of looking stupid or being laughed at, or feeling as though you're too needy, or maybe you just want to protect them from being a burden.  The former ones aren't really a huge issue, but the latter can be the relationship's undoing.

In D/s is can be downright dangerous to lie to your partner about many things, your past, experience level, comfort level are just a few.  Being disingenuous or outright lying for Tops and bottoms can be dangerous. If a top claims to be an expert on breathplay for example and he's not...there can be a huge problem with that.  Same can be true for subs who say they've experienced in breathplay but neglect to inform their Top about their high blood pressure.  That is just as bad and can be equally dangerous.

In the day to day relationship, lies can also be damaging.  Not saying what you think is a common one most subs have issues with, mostly because they're afraid of not looking so submissive.  For Tops, they might keep issues or problems inside out of fear of not seeming as in control as they'd like.  These cause a communication breakdown in the relationship.  It doesn't matter how you think of the power exchange, be it a power grid, a rock, a golden ring...lies will cause corrosion.  A constant flow of water will damage granite, a surge will damage a power grid,  pebbles or even constant wind damage will cause pitting in that golden ring....

That's what lies are.

How do you achieve honesty?  By simply being honest isn't enough, it takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak out even when you know it does little good.  Letting the other person in an honest direct way is always the best, how they handle is really up to them.  We've often said that submission doesn't mean you're a doormat something to be walked over, but a person with thoughts and feelings.  We all need to express those thoughts, fears and weaknesses in a positive way.   Not with passive aggression but with honesty!

Sometimes, it seems, we spend so much being strong and taking care of those around us, we forget to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.   Being honest is placing yourself in a vulnerable position -- it's true for both sides of the power exchange.  The first person you need to honest with, is yourself; until then, you can't hope to be honest to others.  If you like something, tell them, if you don't like something speak doesn't make you less submissive, just as admitting a weakness doesn't make you less Domly.  

Truth is we're all flawed.

How can always be truthful about difficult things?  Well, that's not always easy and the path isn't always clear, but what often helps mouse is to meditate, to write and just ponder until the clarity happens.  Don't worry about staying moves ahead...what if they respond with this or that...just speak up.  Say what's really in your heart and on your mind.  

Next week: Toxic relationships

Be seeing ya! 


  1. Dear mouse,

    Thank you for the reminder. I think we all need the reminder that it is not a kindness to be dishonest with our partner. That isn't an excuse to be mean or rude, but there are gentle and loving ways to speak that offer the truth.

    I, too, write to find my way. It often gives me a better view of the even bigger issues and fears that led me to consider being dishonest with my Dom.

    You are a wise woman and a great help to me on my journey.


  2. Great points..honesty is the best policy.

  3. truthfully, that was very well written.

  4. Very nice post mouse... and you're right, being honest and open about what is on your heart is really difficult sometimes.

  5. Very nice and well written. This goes for both people within a relationship, as well.

    A think from the Dom perspective, he has to lead by example. He can't stayed closed off and expect his sub to be completely open and honest. It's only by being honest, sharing and being vulnerable himself can he then expect and demand that from his sub.


  6. Thank you, mouse. This is such an important topic. I ,personally, needed to read this right now.It came at the perfect moment.

  7. Mouse,
    It has amazed me - the layers I've found. I thought I was being honest and open, only to find there were other thoughts and feelings below that I hadnt realized at all. Over and over again. And I still require reassurance that he wants what's below.

  8. In my experience, most people say they want total honesty...until they actually get it. It's not as easy as it sounds.

  9. Good post post and well written, thanks Mouse.


  10. Honesty is something that I am having a little bit of struggle with. Being blatantly truthful all the time, without omissions. Forcing myself to tell things that he would not ask about, but should know. A playful no, when the answer is yes that shouldn't be said.

    A good reminder that honesty is key to a good relationship.


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