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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Newbie Tuesday: Toxic Relationships

Call them toxic, heroin or whatever you like, but we've all seen them.  We've all heard the stories or personally received the middle-of-the-night calls begging to come get a friend who's gotten way over their head.  It often leaves friends and family scratching their heads as to the all powerful, "why?"

We've also read the blogs online where a submissive will read about Doms and think, "Well, my husband is controlling, maybe he's like that?"  Maybe they're just looking for an excuse or a reason, but whatever the case they start feel submission is the answer.  The problem is that they can't submit, sure they try, but in the end the relationship just dissolves and sometimes they blame the lifestyle.

You can't submit to someone, anyone, when you walk through the door at the end of the day and you don't know if they'll be happy or sad or just pissed off because their boss an asshole and you're in the way. You can't submit to someone who in anger slams you against the wall and hits you.  This is not play, this is dangerous stuff and yes, many men will hide their aggressive tendencies behind BDSM.

There are other types of relationships that are equally toxic, drugs, alcoholism and even sexual addiction can cause a good relationship to become toxic.  The biggest problem is that they begin slowly overtime and develop, often BDSM is already part of the relationship, this can actually hinder the seeking help process.

Sometimes ego can cause a relationship to hit the toxic level, the Dominant insists on being in charge of financials even tho the submissive is a CPA, but the Dominant insists on taking the reigns because...The top controls the money.  Sure, there might even be moment of delusion where the submissive will say, oh they do a better job at it all, well until the shit hits the fan.  Or the rubber hits the road...

You can't use the lifestyle to fix a broken relationship.
If you're in the lifestyle and realize your relationship has serious issues, you need to stop the dynamic.  Top or bottom it doesn't matter.  Even if you live together and are a slave, you can be respectful, but you cannot place yourself in danger.  If you have children, you need to be strong for them and very brave.   You need to make plans and stick to them.
If you're just starting and suspect something is off, then trust your instinct.

If your dom or sub has an issue with substance abuse, encourage them to get help.  Stand beside them but don't make yourself responsible for their sobriety.   Be supportive and get your own support going.

Be seeing ya!

Next week's topic will be a surprise...


  1. I absolutely love this series, mouse. I wish you had been writing it a year ago. Finally, a voice of reason for all the new kids (and the old kids and all the kids between).


  2. I'm not a newbie, and I love these too. I think it's a very good perspective on lots of issues relating to BDSM.

  3. Amen to that...



  4. Ditto the above.
    The more I read the more I realise how lucky I am to have hit Bullseye with my very first Dominant! Love newbie Tuesdays!

    Hugs, Sweet girl (a little less newbie than 8months ago :) )

  5. Oh I just started reading the series. I went back and read the others. It's awesome mouse. :) :)

  6. Wonderful. Thank you for the new series.

  7. I enjoy reading your perspective on these issues as well. Very insightful. With my lizard, we came from the opposite direction--we had a beautiful relationship which has allowed us to explore something which we have both found satisfying, so its kind of the opposite of the toxic relationship. we were happy to start out, and are even happier now. There is a higher level of intensity, which I suspect she could take or leave, but which has certainly brought me great satisfaction.


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