This is the wonder of devotion...

Greetings from mouse,

Yesterday, mouse accidentally published a post that's been sitting in her draft folder for a while. Sorry about that confusion. Was just super down and not thinking clearly.

Sometimes it's hard. We met Tuesday afternoon in his therapist's office. When we got home, mouse wrote a long and winding letter to him, putting there all the things she just couldn't say to him, into the place where private thoughts go. How angry she is at him -- we didn't speak after getting home, or in the car on the way home or in the evening while he prepped for his trip. He read it yesterday morning after spending the night in the guest room alone. The frustration was like a cry in the night and something he couldn't deal with at that moment, which just made mouse feel worse.

Outside the taxi pulled up to take him to the airport. Yet, we were right in the middle of this thing, this cloud hanging over us. The baby in mouse's arms reached for him and he obliged, picked her up, snuggled kissing her forehead, cooing softly that he'd be home soon.

He left without saying much else. Our frustration with each other had at long last boiled over. Both sides stubbornly with heels dug in. Immobile. We stripped our gears.

When he left in the blaze of fading taillights we both thought it was over.

The emptiness crept inside.

We had radio silence for the next several hours. Normally, he'd call from the airport, text when the plane landed, and phone again on his way to the meeting. There are times, mouse would often laugh, we'd hear more from him while he traveled than we normally do.

Here the rain fell. Large drops of rain fell like tears from the crying sky. In her mind, she rolled through how we'd handle this. We could never be the same again.

More emptiness.

Sadness

Helplessness

Raw unadulterated anger found its way around and through us, chipped away until nothing is left. D/s burns hotter. When the embers stop smoldering all your left with is the cold.

The phone rang, mouse jumped, heart racing until the caller ID revealed it was only the contractor. Still, mouse would check blogger to see if moderated the one comment..anything to give a glimmer of hope. But nothing.

The morning gave way to afternoon, afternoon to evening and the silence screamed in the twilight.

Feelings of regret, words she wished she could take back, if she could only unring the bell.

Silence continued, the rain fell, wind whipped like a gale.

Time clicked passed, painfully slow, mouse tried to sleep on the sofa waiting for his key to hit the lock. Eventually, mouse fell asleep, but she woke suddenly. The porch light still on. A moment later the phone rang. His voice, on the other end, his first words were, "I'm sorry."

Why?

Fear crept in, bat shit crazy mad woman screamed "here it comes...."

He was sorry for leaving when he knew we were arguing. He was sorry he hadnt called all day. He was sorry that he wasn't home. He was sorry that he was stuck in the airport. Most of all he was sorry that we were hurting. He was sorry he blew through most of his cell phone battery trying to secure another flight, or a car. Anything to get him closer to home. Back to where mouse was.

Instead we talked on the phone, until his cell died. Then again when he found a charging station. We worked through it all. We reconnected. We rediscovered our ability to not just hear, but to listen. We talked for as long as we could. Then longer. The baby woke, mouse looked at the time, 6am.

Still, we talked, and when mouse couldn't hold the phone, she put him on speaker. He talked to the kiddo. Said he'd be coming home as soon as he could, that his flight was just delayed and he couldn't get onto another flight. He said he loved us. When he was off speaker he told mouse again how much he loved her. How nothing could change that. All he really wanted to know was if she felt the same.

At that moment her phone went dead (of course). Found the regular phone, buried in the sofa cushions and phoned him right back. Of course she loved him, he had to know that! He had to know before he got on that plane...What if something happened????

He said he was in line to board the plane. That he'd see us soon.

And mouse sat down to blog. Led Zeppelin came to her mind...

The rain song

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know

You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.

It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.

Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.

Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from

time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter

I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...

But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall

This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.

This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all, upon us all a little rain must fall...

It's just a little rain...