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Monday, May 28, 2012

Innocent and Sweet

Over the weekend Daddy grew weary of mouse's attitude, which began on Thursday and remained unchecked and escalated until Sunday afternoon. There had been yet another sarcastic remark made by mouse, but this time directed at him. After issuing a rather blunt warning to mouse, which was completely ignored, he spoke frankly and in front of the children about acceptable behavior. Which was rather embarrassing actually -- being used as an example of how NOT to behave.

Now, truthfully mouse can't begin to understand what had her in such an uproar the whole weekend. It wasn't really one thing, but several things, which occurred that just had mouse climbing the walls. In her mind, nothing was going right and she felt so completely powerless to fix it. it seems silly to become so distressed over what really amounted to nothing. While she would like to blame it all on PMS, she really can't. There was something that was bothering her -- something she'd been kicking around for a couple of weeks.

Vesta had written a post about exercising caution when giving trust; now mouse won't go into detail about that post, instead you can read it for yourself here. What it did do was stir emotions in mouse, emotions she suppresses about her previous relationship with Alpha. Earlier this year in a post about mouse, published in this blog, Daddy wrote, "There is a fundamental quality given off by deeply submissive women that which simply attracts these types..." He was specifically speaking about how mouse fell so deeply into Alpha's trap. When the time came for mouse to read his post and the comments, Daddy explained mouse wasn't really to blame; alpha was a pshychpath.

So, in going to back to Vesta's post and reading it several times (as well as the comments) mouse realized that Daddy's choice of words wasn't merely a turn of phrase. He really believes Alpha was a pshychpath! While in retrospect, it might be evident to anyone who has read mouse's blog he was just that -- this was news to mouse. At least in a literal sense.

The more mouse thought about this, the more it angered her and it caused her to read and reread Vesta's words numerous times. The emotions churned and she did well to hide them from Daddy, well until she couldn't anymore. Still, she said nothing to him about it when we had our free talk time before bed, instead focusing on other issues.

So, when Daddy ordered mouse into our bedroom on that Sunday afternoon why on earth mouse still feigned ignorance as to why she was being so snappish with everyone she came into contact with. Daddy's frustration had bubbled over earlier that day, he was now very calm.

Seated on the chaise lounge, Daddy asked a final time for an explanation and when mouse shrugged indifferently, he pulled her over his knee! Using his hands, he lifted mouse's skirt and smacked her bottom several times.

At first a strong sense of disbelief swept over mouse -- this was soooo not happening. The harder she struggled against him, the harder he smacked her bare bottom. Tears of shock spilled. A thousand thoughts swept through her mind all ranging from "how dare he!" to "What about the SA issue." and with the punishment cycle broken, mouse found it hurt. There was nothing erotic about this. It was humiliating.

It felt like a deep betrayal, but who was Daddy betraying? Meanwhile, the real tears fell, the anguish, the remorse had set in. Daddy stopped and pulled mouse close to him. The gaspy, sniffly mouse just cried and cried as he held her. At long last, mouse just blurted that Alpha was a psychopath and mouse was too stupid to see it.

Daddy looked at her and sincerely thanked mouse for finally letting him in. He had mouse wash her face, then we sat and talked. By that time the baby had woke from her nap, so we continued talking while mouse nursed her.

While the episode had shocked mouse, the spanking. He assured mouse he was fine, no urges to move beyond using his hand. While the belt might serve as a trigger, his hand wasn't an issue and what's more he'd been discussing this with his therapist for more than couple months!

This was upsetting to hear! He'd been talking to his therapist about this, but had said nothing to mouse. Angry now, mouse wanted to know why not. He could have at least warned her that this could happen!

Daddy explained that he and his therapist both agreed that mouse shouldn't know. We had been getting along very well, and there was some concern that mouse might act out, since she's been quite vocal in her blog about the lack of pain. The concern was that mouse might puropsely act out to see what it would be like. Spanking will only be used as correction and never for play of any kind.. He also reminded mouse that over the few weeks she has been punished. However, she was just beyond that, it seemed to him. He said this was another phase we were moving into.

Now, with that out of the way, Daddy wanted to know more about what she'd told him earlier. We discussed it, again Daddy absolved her of any guilt, reminding mouse she was much younger then and inexperienced. It made her angry sometimes mouse admitted. Daddy told her that was fine, but she needed to let that anger she felt toward herself to go.

Was it really that easy? Daddy admitted it takes time.

After rituals, love-making and bed, mouse continued working through her thoughts. He listened to her but was careful not to interrupt. Eventually, exhaustion claimed her...

One thing she's got to admit, unlike the other things we used to do, she's in no hurry to feel him smack her rear again....ever!

Song selection: Bitch; Meredith Brooks

 

18 comments:

  1. Hi mouse,

    You aren't alone and you aren't stupid. I hope this link is of some use to you.

    http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html

    Best wishes,

    Bunny

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    1. Thank you Bunny. Will look at the link with Daddy's permission probably later tonight or tomorrow. He's got to check it out first.

      Thank you again tho,
      Hugs!

      Delete
  2. Sad that reading something could trigger past 'ugly' tapes to replay in your mind. Thoughts tagged with emotion seem to stay forever in our memories.

    alpha (no capital letter not deserving of it) was not only a psychopath, he was an expert in brainwashing. You are blameless. Omega is right: holding on to anger for what you preceive as 'dumb' behavior is fruitless. Gains you nothing but turmoil as you discovered.

    You are a different woman now, mouse. You are strong with strong support to help you continue to grow and enjoy your future with Omega and little one.

    Flashbacks might happen but don't let them destroy the wonderful life you have built.

    Thanks for sharing
    Joyce

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    1. Thank you Joyce,

      The flashbacks are really like pictures in a book that don't seem to hurt the way they did not so long ago. Omega says that mouse is finally beginning to heal, so the stuff gets recycled until she works through it.

      The thing that shocked mouse was understanding at last that when Omega said alpha was a psychopath, he was speaking rather literally and not metaphorically......people tend to toss the word around so much (and this sounds very lame) that mouse forgot its a real term.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  3. I often have to remind myself that we see the world through our own lenses.

    it's hard for a trusting person to understand the psychopath -- to understand that some people do not have any empathy for others -- and the end always justifies the means. We expect everyone to live lives by the same rules that we live our lives. It's hard to imagine that others might not consider the impact of their actions.

    and I think it's hard for us to understand that there are many many people in our world that fit this description. So very many very successful people.

    Most of these people are kept in check by the rule of law -- that the risk of being caught and punished keeps them in line.

    but in a D/s relationship -- where we re-write all the rules -- Yes -- that must be a heady rush for a psychopath.

    I think all of us are at risk of it -- it's a major risk of TTWD -- and I hate that you were hurt by this bad man. But it could have just as easily been any of us my friend.

    hugs

    sfp

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    1. sfp,

      It's weird, but O will sometimes quip watching the news after a murderer is caught and arrested, and the media tracking down camera-starved neighbors will say...."he was a quiet guy who kept to himself,"

      How many people fit that description? We're quiet too. But ya...most are kept in check, at least we hope so.

      Its a complicated thing...especially emotionally.

      Thanks for your thoughts,

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. Trust is a fragile concept and i think most people want to think the best of others, we want to trust them but of course in reality there are those out there that are out to abuse that trust to manipulate.

    Throw in being submissive in nature i do think adds to that wanting/needing to trust because its so important right in these types of relationships, i think that this makes submissives more susecptible(spelt wrong) to predators...as sfp said its a major risk of this ttwd.

    I imagine there may be times that certain posts you read or actions may trigger these feelings but i still believe its better out than kept in and when there out they can be discussed.

    tori x

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    1. Tori,

      Trust is fragile, and when it goes away common sense should dictate that you should leave....but the fear that it won't matter or make a difference is often more powerful.

      Omega thoroughly agrees with you about letting the thoughts out due to reading something. We'll start becoming a bit complacent and then wham, mouse just steps into it...like dog poo in tall grass.

      That said, vesta is a fabulous writer and excellent at getting a point across.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  5. (((hugs))) mouse. Part of the pathology of a sociopath is to be charming and addictive, then show the more twisted side. You're not to blame, you're not alone, and it doesn't make you weak or stupid. It simply makes you entirely human.

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    1. Well said June, if they weren't charming and addictive they wouldn't be nearly as effective!

      Thank you!

      Delete
  6. please take to heart what June said. I want to remind you that you also said alpha also 'groomed' you for 2 years before anything really started. That's what a sociopath does. They are charming, even fun maybe. People are generally drawn towards them.
    You were his victim.
    I know maybe you don't like that title but it's true. He victimized you(for years).
    The victim is never to blame.
    Please remember that...you'd never blame the victim would you? No, of course not.
    I read your words and hear your story about alpha and realize that so easily could have been me at 19 or 20.
    Forgiving yourself is so important and necessary.
    Many many hugs,
    mg

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    1. Mg,

      Another great point. He did groom mouse for a long while filling her head full of his ideas of submission and slavery, which were mostly backward.

      And it needs to be said, while the idea of being a victim or survivor is annoying it is at the core what mouse is. Otherwise she wouldn't need to heal from it all. It wouldn't bother her and she would have suffered no ill effects. (omega helped mouse formulate those thoughts).

      Thank you!
      m

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  7. I think the woman who has no regrettable decisions she's made in her youth is a lucky, lucky woman, mouse. Hindsight's 20/20. I could just have easily been in your situation, if the person I'd fallen head over heels with had been a sadistic psychopath instead of a careless drunken asshole.

    My husband gives me credit and says I wouldn't have let that guy really physically or mentally damage me - but I'm not so sure. The idea of being owned is a powerful one.

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    1. conina,

      He did make being owned by him sound incredible and very unavoidable from the start. He had mouse when he remarked out loud that he thought she'd get on her knees if he asked her to. And then knew if he didn't seem like he wanted it -- certainly mouse would do it if he did ask...even if months went by.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  8. And sometimes I have so much I want to say that I can't say anything.

    But - just curious - exactly how were you supposed to know he was a psychopath?

    hugs,

    aisha

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    1. aisha,

      Point well made. He didn't wear a sign. Being so young, dunno....he was a lot of things she couldn't imagine.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  9. Dearest mouse....
    What he did do..was to burnish you in a fire of a crucible to the degree that you ARE stronger then you were. Yes, you trusted a psychopath, and fell down his contrived rabbit hole.. BUT..you are a survivor, and you you have come out the other side of the hole alive, stronger and with Omega and baby girl. Dealing with PTSD and it's triggers is sooo hard sometimes. As I have tried to explain to friends... it is like a land mine... you don't realize it's happened till you hear the click under your foot.. and then... oh poooo! It will whomp us when we least expect it.. and somehow..we expect more from ourselves then our loved ones do. We think we should be over what they did to us by now.. but.... it take a long ass time I'm afraid. But.. at least in my case.. when the nightmares come... now.. I have my amazing Paladin to comfort me, and be calm and logical about past, present and future. So I can take a deep breath, and nestle back to sleep, feeling the safety of his warmth near by. My Vet Center therapist suggests that when I feel overwhelmed after a flashback or panic attack, I try to look back at where I was.. and where I am now. By doing that.. I can see how far I have come. She is also teaching me to analyze my self talk when a trigger occurs. To try and step back just a bit from it, and be like an observer. She just gave me this suggestion, so I've not had to try this yet.. and will see if I can be clear enough to do it when it happens next time... because like you.. I know.. there will be a next time. What matters.. is how we handle it.

    With warm hugs,
    Mystress

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  10. No slave is innocent. They all need punishments

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