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Friday, December 30, 2016

(Un)Comfortably Numb

It's been an odd adjustment period to being all back together.  Yes Daddy is still under some stress, but he admitted since we returned it's really one less thing to worry about.  He said he was becoming forgetful with certain things, probably because he had too many thoughts swimming through his mind all at once.  Often mouse will joke that when she learned something knew she's completely convinced something else is pushed out of her brain.

The first several days we were back, Daddy would just follow his routine of getting up just before the alarm, showering, shaving and making his own coffee.  He'd just leave mouse sleeping in the bed.  It felt strange to wake up alone, but then we'd go about our daily routine so, while we're totally living under roof we were still acting like miles were between us.

He'd reheat his evening meal (grateful he didn't have to cook)  whenever he got home, usually after going to the hospital.  Have a cocktail or two and do a little work.  Then he'd go to bed, usually without saying much.  Meanwhile mouse would come downstairs in a ratty old bathrobe, fix some breakfast for the kids, tidy up a bit, drink coffee and just go about her day.

Then,  one evening he got home and asked to have his dinner heated for him.  The next morning when the alarm went off he directed mouse's mouth to pleasure him, then we showered together and later bound mouse up in a corset.  Just like that we were back a little.  During the day there's a little more freedom still than she's used to.  He didn't require that she report her movements.

It wasn't that he didn't care but felt if we wanted to go to a museum we should do it.  He hates the idea of the children just being lazy all the winter break.  A few days before Christmas though mouse went out shopping, always a challenge with the kids.  We needed to find a gift for Daddy though and had no clue since the man is impossible to buy for.  The kids picked out a tie that had flashing lights (mouse nixed that idea straight away a thirty dollar gag gift isn't happening). They settled on a reasonable one that was a solid burgundy  color.  Not really a color he would usually wear but would look nice.

It's the thought that counts?  We're are going through the motions of it all -- doing all the things we're supposed to do but without the joy of doing it.  Everything seems like drudgery -- even the gifts, usually mouse is quite particular about that -- down to even how they're wrapped, but this year -- nope.  It didn't matter.  No one noticed.  Kids were excited, as they probably should be.  The adults, however, we all struggled to pretend to be happy and in those moments that we felt light in a genuine way, something else would remind us that it's different and always will be.

Usually with the coming year, there's a bit of excitement in mouse about what the year will bring...It's a whole new year, a chance to start fresh..

This year, while we all can't wait for 2016 to gasp it's final breath and sink into the history books, mouse finds herself panicking over what 2017 might bring.  This last year has truly been miserable from it's beginning to the end -- and while mouse doesn't want to think about what the coming year could bring -- any sense of optimism is gone.  Wow, this post turned negative quickly.  Sorry about that.  It feels wrong to not express this, somehow disingenuous to pretend that all was going to fine and the future is all rosy.

Daddy is quick to remind mouse that 2016 is simply a number we use to differentiate the year from others (past and present) and its wrong to anthropomorphize it or give it more weight than it deserves.  Years come and go, some were good and others terrible.  How does this year stack up to those other terrible or very dark years? To quote Daddy's favorite movie Casablanca, "Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." Of course he said all this just after learning of the passing of Carrie Fisher.  After learning about her mother, Debbie Reynolds' he had nothing more to add.


  1. Oh Mouse, I really hope 2017 brings you and your family nothing but good things and that it is a year filled with love and laughter and that you can say good riddence to this year.


    1. Thanks Roz, we certainly hope so!

      Love to you and yours and a very happy new year.

  2. " This last year has truly been miserable from it's beginning to the end" I so feel you there.
    But hey, New day, new week, new year?

  3. Numb holiday here, too, so I really get this.

    I've decided that 2017 will be the year of Fake It 'til You Make It. That keeps me mindful of the fact that, tho' "it" (happiness? satisfaction? comfort?) might not be real at first, it will be eventually. That way, I can view the year as a work in progress. (And manage expectations!)

    I'm sorry things are blah at the moment, but really, really glad that you've taken the steps to get everyone back together on the same path again.
    So I'm dusting off the pompoms for you and wishing you and yours all the best. :-)

    *big ol' bump*

  4. Oh, man. 2016 has been a tough one for a lot of us. But you guys are working to make it better for yourselves and your family. It will take time, but it will get better, little by little.

  5. Hugs mouse, i felt an odd sense to check your blog after a few months of not checking. Glad i did. We would all love our lives to look nicely packaged and á la a Norman Rockwell painting wouldn't we, but Alas! Thanks as always for opening up and sharing. K


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