Over the long MLK weekend Lucy and Schroeder came to dinner, and while cleaning up after the meal Lucy said something important to mouse, "Only your bodies were apart, but your hearts were still together." this was after listening to mouse's comments about how distant we still feel. Lucy does have a point in that. It's up to Sir to restore the balance and until then, mouse can only do what she's asked to do. That was when mouse began to have an odd epiphany, which was ironically brought up again a week later on an online forum she frequents.
It's actually a bit difficult thought in practice, like so many things in life it feels it should be so simple. Just wait. Be patient. Yet it feels unbearable at times, itching for that closeness we once took for granted. Sir feels different [to mouse], although he might argue that point. One thing is for certain, very little now escapes him where mouse is concerned. On demerit Thursday, mouse was again bent over his desk and punished without any problem letting the tears go. There was much discussion about being held accountable for one's actions. Last time mouse was punished for mouthing off a little too often and this time she was punished double that because she hadn't learned.
Next time will be triple the amount and so on. After he had mouse stand in the corner, which is sometimes worse than being physically punished. It's probably the humiliation but really mouse has a hard time pinning it down.
Going back to the epiphany mouse had and that thing between us are related. It might be because mouse took it upon herself to move back instead of following Sir's wish to stay put. Also, mouse realizes that it could be her own projection of the situation but it has been bothering her that maybe this is why we've had such a difficult time getting back to that place we once were. The fear is strangling her.
What if the wall she feels is there between us, is really just a projection of a wall and not a real wall?
Maybe it's the guilt she feels now, taking back that power and making that huge decision to move back -- with Sir completely in the dark. Of course, he'll know these thoughts the moment he reads this post. Maybe that's also why mouse has taken so long to post about it and why it's buried in more current events? Whatever, the uncertainty mouse feels is real -- thats the only thing she is certain about. Guilt is a tricky beast and so is pride or ego.
It has occurred to mouse that perhaps she should have trusted Sir more, worked harder to follow his wishes, rather than deciding what was best for both of us. Really, that's his job. He's the leader and mouse is his follower and somewhere she forgot that. The slavery to him isn't something conditional on him doing what she wants and is about what he wants -- if the two align that's great but if they don't, mouse is expected to pivot and capitulate. Not the other way around. So, in this instance mouse failed in her slavery. That's not easy for mouse to admit. Yet here we are. This isn't a woe is mouse thing -- this is something that she needs to learn from.
It's actually a bit difficult thought in practice, like so many things in life it feels it should be so simple. Just wait. Be patient. Yet it feels unbearable at times, itching for that closeness we once took for granted. Sir feels different [to mouse], although he might argue that point. One thing is for certain, very little now escapes him where mouse is concerned. On demerit Thursday, mouse was again bent over his desk and punished without any problem letting the tears go. There was much discussion about being held accountable for one's actions. Last time mouse was punished for mouthing off a little too often and this time she was punished double that because she hadn't learned.
Next time will be triple the amount and so on. After he had mouse stand in the corner, which is sometimes worse than being physically punished. It's probably the humiliation but really mouse has a hard time pinning it down.
Going back to the epiphany mouse had and that thing between us are related. It might be because mouse took it upon herself to move back instead of following Sir's wish to stay put. Also, mouse realizes that it could be her own projection of the situation but it has been bothering her that maybe this is why we've had such a difficult time getting back to that place we once were. The fear is strangling her.
What if the wall she feels is there between us, is really just a projection of a wall and not a real wall?
Maybe it's the guilt she feels now, taking back that power and making that huge decision to move back -- with Sir completely in the dark. Of course, he'll know these thoughts the moment he reads this post. Maybe that's also why mouse has taken so long to post about it and why it's buried in more current events? Whatever, the uncertainty mouse feels is real -- thats the only thing she is certain about. Guilt is a tricky beast and so is pride or ego.
It has occurred to mouse that perhaps she should have trusted Sir more, worked harder to follow his wishes, rather than deciding what was best for both of us. Really, that's his job. He's the leader and mouse is his follower and somewhere she forgot that. The slavery to him isn't something conditional on him doing what she wants and is about what he wants -- if the two align that's great but if they don't, mouse is expected to pivot and capitulate. Not the other way around. So, in this instance mouse failed in her slavery. That's not easy for mouse to admit. Yet here we are. This isn't a woe is mouse thing -- this is something that she needs to learn from.
I can see why you worry but don't don the cloak of penitence until Omega lets you know it's needed. Only he can determine that.
ReplyDelete(And can I just say that I am completely smitten with the phrase "woe is mouse"?)
*bump*
Hi Mouse, I love that phrase too and Lucy's words to you, very true! I can understand how you are feeling but it really does sound asthough you did the right thing for everyone. The closeness will return.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
I don't think you should keep second-guessing yourself. Yes you live within a power exchange which gives your life meaning. But you and your family are human beings with all the physical and psychological realities that humanness entails. People get old, sick, depressed etc. Those realities cannot be circumvented--no matter how lives are organized. I think what Omega is going through is one of life's bitter realities. As much as you love him, you can't save him or yourself for that matter. The goodness will come back until one day it will not. As is the case for all of us.
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