While mouse wholeheartedly believes that Master is perfect, mouse is incredibly flawed and lacking the perfection Master deserves. Ok, he's not "perfect" but he is Master. Of course there's pleasure in service, but there's also confusion at times and while reading accounts of other slaves, leaving mouse wondering why she doesn't always feel engaged fully in her slavery to Master. There are times where she struggles and not sure if it's also the 'mom' thing she has to do, but there's definitely something she lacks.
Last night, Master was working in his study, his fingers flying against the keyboard and mouse was beside him. Instantly though, since she wasn't being useful to him, her mind began to wander to the million little things on her mental 'ToDo List". Kids, school, meals all played in her mind -- how many days were missed this winter because of snow? Future meals and do we have enough milk, should mouse have bought that extra gallon even though the date was next week? It was a relief when Master excused her.
Yet, what's more slightly more discouraging is that mouse does this even when she is being of use to Master! Sure, there are times when she is able to just "be" and bask in the pleasure of serving him, but as she sat reflecting on this, those moments feel rare to her. Especially so when it seems he's disinterested in her efforts (which is part of the point that isn't lost on mouse), her brain checks out of the activity, drifting mentally toward ToDo Lists. It's the same when she meditates if she can still her brain from twenty things to just one, it feels like a huge achievement. As if confusion wasn't already her very best friend forever, most often when she's folding clothing or engaged in some rote activity, in the empty and mostly quiet house, all she can think about then is Master and doing small things for him that he'll probably never notice.
After confessing all this to Master, he naturally had questions, but more or less absolved her of any guilt she felt, and had her engage in some nice cock worship. This morning he had a few more questions, about when she had trouble quieting her mind. More specific answers followed. Not when she's engaged in worship of his body, or he's using mouse sexually (thanks goodness for that he muttered), but more when she's asked to simply sit quietly. Then he asked about "after use" and after a brief pause mouse replied that no it wasn't an issue then either.
This led to a much more detailed discussion about really why mouse feels mindfulness easier at the Lake than here. It's probably more than having all the trappings of modern life (internet, television, etc) here, but something else deeper that mouse simply lacks the vocabulary to explain. He nodded and sat on the chaise lounge, called mouse to him and performed a maintenance spanking on her bottom. He wishes mouse to grow in her slavery, not feel stagnated by it.