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Sunday, March 25, 2018

All the Changes We've Been Through

This is almost like catching up, what has been going on during those times the blog here went silent. Maybe it's partly so mouse can better understand all the changes that really have occurred. Very recently Master was away on business and gone for most of the week. During that time mouse kept to her routine just as though he were here. It brought a bit of normalcy to her life without him directing each moment. Each morning she showered, fixed her hair just as meticulously as she always would, she did ask permission to skip wearing eye makeup because her eyes were flaring from allergies. He replied by text that was fine, but also suggested that mouse add Benedryl to her nighttime regimen. He asked if mouse was still using the Flonase he purchased for her to take and mouse admitted that she had forgotten to use it a couple times. Tisk, tisk she could feel his disappointment through her phone and instantly wanted the earth to swallow her up. Other than that, mouse dressed the way he liked, dutifully cinched the corset she wears when he's not around, since she's not allowed to touch strings and the cleaned plug was left in the small box on the shelf since she's not allowed to touch those. Daily, she meditated and imagined Master watching her. The corset felt like he was holding her. The clothing reminded her of her slavery. Daily duties weren't ignored, and while we did go out one night for pizza, it was with Master's knowledge and blessing, as was the meal of chicken nachos that she prepared for dinner one evening as slightly more healthful treat for our family.  

It's strange because long ago, when Master traveled without her, she would routinely let things go. Not keeping up on the wash, not taking care of the sink full of dirty dishes. Shirking cooking responsibility nearly entirely. Hair haphazardly up in a ponytail, wearing sweatpants. He never punished mouse for those things that occurred outside of his vision, but he knew they happened. He knew the moment he entered the airport, depending on how long his flight was, mouse would begin that whirlwind of cleaning, vacuuming, quickly laundering, drying, folding and putting away all the evidence of her apparent laziness. Makeup would be put on, her hair washed and fixed the way he liked, and of course, dressed in a way that pleased him. The only routine thing was that she would wear the other corset, mostly out of fear that if she went longer than a day or two, she was worried she wouldn't be able to get it on correctly.

If there was enough time, mouse would even schedule a trip to the market. Partly to make sure we had things on hand that he'd enjoy but also to make it seem or appear that mouse has cooked and fed his offspring reasonably healthy meals while he was away. He knows kids are kids, all kids love fast food and garbage foods (soda, potato chips, etc), just like he did when he was younger. His grandmother would always spoil he and his siblings with lots of junk foods that would his parents would never buy. He recalled once that his brother ate an entire box of Fruit Loops all by himself. Even Master said more than once that he enjoyed a bit too much candy for his own good. He just could't resist Hershey Bars with almonds. Being a type one diabetic however made that a bit dangerous for him. Often he would muse if that was more the reason for his parents attention to diet? It could be a motivation, it certainly is for us. 

Master simply stated that one day, mouse wouldn't do that; shirk the requirements. At the time, although she didn't show it, deep down there was a "yeah, right" thought that crossed her mind. It was like a vacation from the constraints of His Ownership of her. Or so she thought. If she closed her eyes she could clearly see the tapestry of our dynamic and the single loose thread that she could tug on. Full force would unravel it completely but a small tug wouldn't do so much damage. Master would repair that when he returned home. All would be well again. Normalcy restored.

While we were living apart when living at the lake and him here in an empty house, that feeling of containment mouse was so used to was pushed to the limit as most readers were aware. The message that he couldn't make the trip, while understanding completely the reason was hard to bear. The presuming to know His thoughts crept in. Although she didn't realize it at the time, she pulled that loose thread so hard half the tapestry unraveled and mouse being busy being right ignored the damage.

Master didn't repair the damage to the tapestry, instead he waited for mouse to attempt that task. To at the very least to make an effort. Remember, he was high on his mountain, and mouse was still miles from where she needed to be mentally. At that point really mouse was going through the motions of her slavery and not taking it to heart. Wanting his containment and rules, while at the same time deciding, often on her own that he didn't really mean that. The nuts and bolts of her slavery was ignored by her.

Thread by loose thread, mouse began to repair the tapestry early last year, at first she was doing on her own almost exclusively. Like the tale of Eros and Psyche, mouse did what was required, each task feeling insurmountable but somehow accomplishing it. Yes, of course, like in the myth, mouse had some assistance from Master but not a lot. Sure parts were easy, others not so much. Giving up freely those bits of herself to him without having him ask for them back and really meaning it. Submitting, surrounding and capitulating to everything he desired, being the supplicant that ignored their own desire to fulfill his.

Realizing the breech of trust that she caused, like when Psyche dared to look upon Eros when he had forbidden her to do so. Master had forbidden mouse to return to him, to stay the course and remain at the lake. That required a huge penance. He didn't know what to do with her at that point. He was already broken hearted over the whole enormity of the situation -- His mother was actively dying for months. Then even his own slave, betrayed him by doing the one thing he said not to do and was under the impression that she was right to do that!

There was a scene in the Godfather Part 3 movie that drove the point home for mouse in a completely weird way. Now, firstly, it should be said and explained that mouse is a huge fan of The Godfather Parts 1 and 2, but three was never her favorite. One day, while Master was away last year, she turned on the TV and caught the end of Part 1, so she watched part two while doing some chores, really she knows the movie so well she really doesn't need to watch it, it can just be on and she can follow it. Later she contemplated rewatching part 1, since she missed most of it, but instead decided to pop some popcorn and watch part 3 a movie she's seen maybe twice before (compared to the other two that she's watched probably a hundred times). Anyway, in case you haven't seen it, its the third film, so the story is concluding. There's a scene where Michael Coreleone has somewhat ironically a diabetic stroke and is recovering in the hospital when his sister Connie tells Sonny's (Michael's late brother) to kill another character called Joey Zasa, which of course, he does. Michael wakes from a coma and is pissed. He angrily says to them, 'It was not what I wanted. I run this family, right or wrong and this was not what I wanted.' 

That was the part where mouse turned off the movie. Shaking, mouse sent Master a text message, she didn't apologize to him over text but later on the phone when he called she did, of course that came out in a ramble that probably didn't make a lot of sense to him at the time. It wasn't until he returned home that we had the chance to really talk. He still didn't know what to do with his feelings and admitted that to mouse. That was the moment when she realized how badly she'd broken us.

Master admitted that he didn't know what to do or think, his mind was disjointed, wracked with his own grief and rage that it took many months of mourning to sift through it all. Eventually he did conclude that he was angry with mouse. He ignored mouse, used her for his own pleasure and did administer a few physical punishments but nothing was fixed right away. In fact it took several months of mouse demonstrating real change before he grew comfortable that she was actually serious. It's taken years, nearly a decade of being together before mouse had realized what being his slave really means. 

4 comments:

  1. Hi Mouse, wow, what a wonderful reflection of the changes that have occured and how far you have come. Glad you were able to repair the tapestry :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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  2. I'm sitting in my office with quiet tears for both the pain the two of you went tbrough and your current peace. I always find a connection in your words and this morning is no exception.

    As always, thank you for sharing.

    Isabel

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  3. Hi mouse,
    First, so good to hear from you again!
    Very interesting post! At the time, I was so happy for you to return and be reunited as a family. And the process went so smoothly, as if it was "meant to be"! I certainly thought it was the right thing to do!
    I guess that just reveals that I don't have the slave's mentality!
    As always, I am very interested in and intrigued by your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them so openly.
    With love,
    Ava

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  4. This is such a profound and brave post. I too struggle to be the slave my Master wants but have a major crossroads ahead. I need to read posts like yours to help me find my way. Thank you.

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