Caged on a Shelf

Often mouse has spoken about the metaphorical "rattle of chains" as moments where she feels her slavery to Master completely as the object (as opposed to being a person with free will). Recently was reminded of the cage in our former home's basement and how mouse loved that. It was probably the first time mouse felt the charms of being without choice or options. From the moment Master closed the door to the cage, mouse was at his mercy. It was intoxicating to feel so helpless so out of control and yet under Master's control.

The caged bird ideal is something mouse has toyed with in the past. There are probably many posts where mouse has expressed a love for feeling contained or even confined and even expressed confusion about having those feelings. It's no mistake the past few years mouse has seen some profound changes in the world around her, but maybe just as important in herself. There's been this burgeoning understanding that has been slow to acknowledge. Changes subtle at first, have cumulated in a very different slave, standing or maybe kneeling miles from where she began.

Forgiving the former Owner, seeing even the bit of wisdom he did give that really started her on the journey was freeing to mouse. Was there abuse? Yes, advantages were taken, basic care was ignored, especially toward the end. However, the part mouse will never know was how much of that was him or his illness that at the time, he didn't know he had? It is a question that has flummoxed mouse, so much that she eventually had to let it go. Carrying that particular baggage around was too great and in many ways negated the good he had done. Master helped mouse to see it and dispose of it once and for all and that allowed herself to forgive was powerful and possibly her last act as his former slave. Letting go of her own ego, to see that Master having more than one woman in his life isn't scary too was a hard lesson for mouse to learn. That was the main sticking point that prevented mouse from going to Master after the former Owner passed away. Realizing that at that moment mouse stopped being a slave was another huge shift in thought. It was also what was preventing mouse from accepting many things about herself and letting those things go. Accepting that while she probably is important to Master Omega, she orbits around him and not the other way around. His needs, desires and wants are fulfilled by mouse and what mouse gets is the feeling of containment in return. In other words, mouse gets what she needs not by anything Master does for her, but solely by what she does for Him. That feeling of warmth knowing that He's happy or content is her reward that she gobbles up without any hesitation. Even when she's waiting for days or months to feel useful to him is the lesson for her to understand that when he wants her again, she will be ready.

There is no more regret that mouse was a slow in coming to that acceptance part. There were stages of grief, strangely or not, for mouse to work through not unlike the common ones most are aware of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Denial probably was the first with some anger thrown in, "how could i want to be treated like i'm unimportant?" or "being a slave doesn't mean doormat." When actually there's nothing wrong to being a doormat, as even a doormat has a purpose  and is useful. Bargaining with even Master at times, but mostly herself by trying to direct her own slavery and eventually becoming depressed when it failed. Surrendering small portions of herself to Master, in an effort to retain a often false appearance of self-control. Thank goodness for her, Master is a patient man, because any other man might have just sent mouse packing long ago and then she would never have learned anything. He certainly would have been painted as a villain in her tale and she would have become one of those people who would scream from a rooftop (in an authoritative tone) that "real slavery is an impossibility."

Since there's little point in rehashing the past or dredging up all the times that mouse got it completely wrong, the only real question is left to determine, what do we do with this journal? Should mouse continue to update it? Should we close it? Should we redact large parts of it, and essentially try to rewrite the personal history? If this were a paper or bound journal, would mouse want to throw it away or simply just tuck it away?

Master believes strongly in preserving the past, but also believes the past should stay where it is and separate from the slave mouse has evolved to become. He acknowledges that this journal does reflect, quite accurately, the evolutionary process mouse has gone through, while still remaining mindful that a person who stumbles across this, starting from the beginning might gain the wrong impression of what the core values are today. Maybe all we can offer for now is, stay tuned.