Honest questions

There are times when a great comment full of questions deserves a post for a reply. This was one of those times.

 Hi Mouse, I love how honest and candid you are in your blog. I have wondered though whether you ever considered getting assertiveness training? I just question what you get out of the relationship. I just see how you write that you do all the cooking, household chores normally, that Omega might cook very occasionally. Also when Omega is "busy", you seem to just accept it instead of not tolerating him shutting you out. Do you ever feel resentful or angry about any of this but just bottle it up? Oh and that you have all Omega's family over at Christmas time and that the entertaining is mostly left to you to do-could you not just go to their houses some years also? What may I ask does Omega do to please you? What does Omega do to make the relationship work? Thanks for letting me comment, hope I haven't offended either of you as I do enjoy reading your posts.

 Dear Anonymous, No offense was taken at all. We actually, talked about your question a lot. Certainly, as someone like yourself on the outside, peering into our lives it can seem very unequal or maybe even unfair. People who know us in real life see us as a very traditional couple. People who stumble across our blog see a wider view of who we are and how we work together. What does mouse get out of her relationship? A strong sense of security is just one of the many things she gets from it.

 Let's look at this way, mouse is home when working by around 3PM and Omega gets home normally around 7PM. What makes more sense him coming home and cooking and waiting another couple hours to eat? Or having a meal waiting or nearly finished when he arrives home? When Omega is "busy," at home, generally he's working for the next day. Now if he were locked away playing games or other things to exclude himself from everyone, we might have issues. That is simply not the case and mouse understands that work needs to be done and while he works, mouse is there with him, reading a book or blogs. Actually, mouse rather enjoys that time very much...it's quiet and relaxing.

There have been times in the past where mouse did feel resentful, but those were also times where Omega was more or less having issues with his addictions. He, then would use his position over mouse to keep her silent and those were very trying times. We learned to communicate our wants and needs. Are there trade offs? Of course. When we go on vacation, for instance, he works very long hours making certain everything is wrapped up while he's away. We all can get a little disgruntled with him. But that's a short term issue and while on vacation work is left completely behind and he's devoted to having a good time.

 Now, about the holidays, not sure what you have an issue with. His mother is getting on, in her late 70s and not really up to hosting family in her home. Yes, she stays with us during the holidays...but why not? And mouse has no family so there's no one to complain about it. This year we're doing Christmakah, and O's brother and family is joining us on Christmas eve, along with some friends (they came over on the first night of Chanukah as well). Christmas day was very nice and relaxing, we did entertain a few friends who happened by. We are continuing our Chanukah. New Years Eve is special. As mouse has mentioned her friends (the brunch bunch ladies) each year get together at a person's home, but this year because of issues we decided to postpone our normal party until New Years Eve. Eventually this party will come to our house, but not for a while.

 Your question about what Omega does to make this relationship work is probably the easiest to answer. Quite honestly, while to an outsider it might seem terribly skewed in his favor, but we are both very committed to the success of our relationship. Omega holds mouse accountable for her end, and mouse in mostly subtle ways holds him to the same standard. If mouse should neglect her duties to him, she expects to be corrected.

In any relationship if one person feels they carry too much load, they begin to buckle under that stress. Omega will often use the example of carrying a backpack with rocks. The pressures we feel are the rocks. Some are huge, like the pressures of parenting. Some might be small, such as a work deadline (the reason a work deadline is smaller, is because once the deadline is met, the pressure lifts). The problem is that most of us carry it all. Rocks collected from childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Added to that are dating, marriage and children, etc. We all carry the weight of our life experience.

Some of us learn to let go of those rocks and it's quite liberating. We learn to distribute the remaining load evenly so it's carried without too much trouble. Sometimes, we find someone else who helps us lose our load. We surrender it willingly to them, by giving up our secrets surrounding and embedded in those stones. That's what we do by telling our deepest thoughts and secrets to someone we trust.

 Now this can be a therapist, a friend, or in our case, each other. It has only helped to deepen our love and commitment. And that's a huge gift we give each other. We talk about our feelings and when one feels the pressure of too many rocks in our backpack, we discuss it. But we also talk about ways to relieve the load and put those into practice. These aren't just BDSM or M/s things, but things that everyone in relationships do. It's what you do to avoid becoming nothing but roommates who share a bed.

 The BDSM side does require more talk and discussion about everything than vanilla relationships, because mostly of the potential for injury. Thank you for such a thoughtful question and mouse hopes she answered your questions.

Hugs,
mouse