I Feel Free

Every time you meet a situation you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before. — Eleanor Roosevelt

While we were away, before mouse adjusted to being kept nude and exhausted, it felt very much like being caged. Only without the cage, and in a completely odd way mouse found it comforting and jarring. Jarring because she wasn't used to it, it felt demeaning, yet, it also felt right at the time. Those ideas played with her head and in moments of mental exhaustion caught mouse off guard, it left her depleted in a way.

It wasn't punishment nor did it feel like one. Nothing like the time he forced her to scrub the kitchen cabinets to teach her a lesson about her shoddy housekeeping. It was more like a Cinderella thing, except those damn woodland creatures kept far from our house and helping mouse.

Yet, while she was tied up, even though she knew she could free herself, it felt nice. Now, it isn't lost on her that she knew full well this was temporary. Unlike the time he punished her by heavily objectifying her until she begged him to end it. Master Daddy, planned out our return to reality with an added bonus of a bit of time alone in our house. This afforded mouse to decompress, journal and just let herself come down.

One thought that does return to her is while she was rarely alone, more or less constantly watched, physically and mentally depleted, mouse also felt a bit lonely. Missing the warmth of "Daddy," while cursing the coldness of "Master". As it was going on, honestly mouse doesn't recall thinking much of anything, but in retrospect it was lonely. Once we began talking about our lives, delving deeply into those dark places the feeling vanished.

Perhaps on some level mouse was concerned that this might be a "thing" even though it made zero sense to her that it ever could. On a deep level did mouse want it? No, actually quite the opposite. While it was hot, to hear him say that she was property. The spoiled comment didn't sit so well. As she cleaned she wondered if he really meant that or was simply making a strong point. When he mentioned the housekeeper...it rankled mouse. For a long time, it's been a wonderful thing having someone else clean. There are days that mouse feels so relieved not to have to do it -- while at the same time feels this guilt that she should be doing it all herself.

Then there's the lengthy list of Expectations, so important that at the top of the blog-page they have their own tab. The main rule is to "obey" yet really that's the thing that keeps tripping her up. Each week she gets in trouble because she doesn't "obey" and there was an epiphany of sorts when she realized that obeying is very easy in theory but difficult in practice. Sure while he was there to watch over her 24/7 and she was kept bound and nude obeying him was far easier (especially when met with the belt).

It's in our real day to day lives where it becomes more difficult. It's rather like believing you're a perfectly piously religious person until you also realize that you've broken 8 out of the 10 commandments before breakfast. Of course, at least to mouse begging forgiveness (and promising to do better) from something that doesn't exist is a lot easier than facing Master on Demerit Thursday.

This was mouse's problem the crux of all the issues. While mouse does respect Master, there are far too many times that she doesn't fulfill her obligation to obey him. Now, to be clear she's not speaking of the times she has a suddenly ill child, or some other emergency comes up that causes her to disobey him. This is about the times he asks her to do something, and she's too busy reading or engaged in some time wasting activity to pay attention. Then suddenly when she notices how much time has passed, she's frantic, and does incomplete or shoddy work.

There are excuses and reasons.

Reasons are legitimate and easily forgiven (like a sickly child).

Excuses aren't; like time just got away, or even admitting to being distracted by a shiny thing.

The problem is how often does mouse try to convince herself that her reason is valid, when it is really just an excuse (or very poor planning)? Once a while ago Daddy asked mouse to clean the hallway carpet and pick up a few items off the floor in the closet that had fallen off their hanger days before (this was in addition to her normal duties). What happened was that mouse cleaned the closet. Picking up those few things, caused a cascade of tidying. Hours later she had bags and bags of stuff, and the carpet was just forgotten about -- along with everything else.

That Thursday Daddy wasn't happy with mouse and explained why. The jobs he assigned should have taken roughly an hour at the very most. It was never intended to be an all day project which also ended with take out pizza for dinner. Cleaning the carpet would have been a few short minutes. While he appreciated the closet, it wasn't what he asked her to do. Had she cooked a proper dinner, cleaned the spots on the carpet and still did her other chores...having the closet cleaned out would have warranted huge praise from him -- even if she hadn't finished and it seemed to be a bigger mess than before. He would have seen the work in progress.

He also observed an explanation shouldn't be needed, and proceeded with the punishment.

Now, thinking on this and sitting with it, there are probably a million reasons why obey is sometimes difficult. Rote tasks, like scrubbing a toilet or sweeping the kitchen floor are boring and facing reality need to be done with or without a command to do so. They just don't cause that rush in mouse. The pleasure rush she will often get when she pleases him snd he notices. He's not going to lift the lid of the toilet and compliment mouse that the bowl just sparkles and he's momentary blinded by the beauty of it.

Backing up a bit, was the reason the housekeeper comment bothered mouse so because it was his way of implying that she can't keep house? That she is incompetent somehow? That thought bothered her. It's as though he grew so weary of having the same discussion he just hired someone else more capable to do the task. That's a huge realization for mouse to admit.

Why does she obey? Simply put, she wants him happy, she wishes to be pleasing to him and maybe most of all she wants him to be proud of her, so then she can feel pride in herself. There is something to be said of feeling that sense of accomplishment when a task is completed and done exceptionally well. Then why does she obey so poorly at times and risks punishment? If he asks her to do something, if possible she will drop everything to complete the task. Is that only because he's standing there and waiting? Why does it seem to her that a command by text seem to hold a different value?

Yes, mouse concluded Master Daddy was right, mouse is spoiled, at least a bit.

Not too long ago mouse posted about how Daddy sat her down at his laptop to journal about something. It was difficult because honestly mouse had not a clue what to write about that she began to notice cobwebs and dusty areas. Areas that she's neglected to keep clean even when the study is one of her few responsibilities. Well, that's not completely true, she does have lots of responsibility, it's just one of the few places that isn't the housekeeper's duty to clean. Now, it's also equally possible that had the room been perfectly clean, she still would have found something to distract her from the task. Some other flaw would have jumped out at her.

In looking through some of the past posts in this journal, mouse did notice a pattern although in most cases she didn't make the connection at that time. When she does actively participate in the what should be simple act of obeying, she notices far more quickly when she doesn't. So what happens? Why does that mindfulness and pleasure in obedience fade? Honestly, mouse wasted more time rereading parts of this journal, our private one, to try to ferret out clues.

Really she found little. A few little tidbits or hints, maybe it's because life at the lake is slower paced with fewer things to distract? Maybe it's because he's around all the time? When we return to our day to day life, instantly it becomes increasingly complex. Yet, on a very clear level mouse knows and understands she is failing at basic obedience, but somehow pushes that thought out of her mind.

So, where does this leave mouse right now? There's a deep internal hum that says maybe she can improve because admitting you have a problem is the first step. Still, there's a pragmatic part of her that says it can't be that easy. At least now with this new sense of clarity and introspection she acknowledges what she needs to change, while admitting she isn't sure how to change it.

Finally, the suggestion that mouse realign her thinking might be the most helpful, even though it's not an easy or quick fix. Daddy suggested that mouse think of herself, when working, running errands or doing daily tasks outside our home as a "slave on sojourn," rather than being "free." The word sojourn means literally a temporary stay -- and he felt it might prove helpful if mouse compartmentalized her slavery to him. Of course inside our home the "mom" hat must be worn as well -- but mouse has learned to not try to "mother" Daddy, so maybe the idea of sojourn will work?