Within or Without You

We were talking, about the space between us all

And the people, who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion 
Never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late when they pass away

There are moments of quiet, when Master is away traveling for business that mouse will find herself pondering how different her life was before him. The loneliness that would creep in, the pretending that all was fine in her life when everything was helter skelter. The simplest truth was, mouse always did a terrible job of managing her life. Sure, there were a few good decisions she made, but as Master is fond of pointing out, even a broken clock is right a couple times a day. 

Instead of focusing on how different or even better her life might have been had she gone to Master when her owner passed away, mouse often considers the time that she wasn't a slave. The time that she tried to be "normal" or "vanilla" and how terrible that really was. Sure there were a few dates, but with men that couldn't fathom slapping a woman, even if she asked him to. The endless, "where do you want to eat?" talk. Sure sometimes mouse had a suggestion but most often she had no idea, because she needed and wanted the man to step up. To say, "I thought we'd go to this place." or that. To show that he knew how to take control. Sure we might have good conversations but the sex was boring and without excitement.  

When Omega wandered back into mouse's life she wasn't hopeful that she'd ever find man. The thought of him was of interest but it was the past that mouse had walked away from. There was no reason we couldn't be "friends" since we did know each other very well, it might be nice to have someone to talk to who totally understands. We went out, and as mouse recalls he insisted that he pick her up at her home. He petted the dog, who obviously approved, well it wasn't a stretch, the old man dog approved of anyone (except for the guys who cut the grass).  He asked if mouse was ready, peered into the family room and commented that it would be dark by the time she got home, "might want to turn a light or two on." He made sure the porch light was switched on, asked if the dog needed to be let out before we left. No guy mouse lightly dated was so observant and thoughtful. 

When he led mouse to his car and opened the door from her, she recalled that she blushed. This was what was missing. Silently he wove his way out of the suburbs and into the city, paralleled parked like a true master and again opened the car door for mouse, helping her from the car. Inside the restaurant, a place mouse had never been but heard good things about, she picked up the menu after the hostess seated us. His eyebrow went up, but said nothing. 

When the waitress showed up to ask if wanted to order drinks or needed more time, he put the menu down and said with some confidence that he'd have the steak rare, and the lady would have roasted chicken. He punished her for touching the menu! Not in that I'm-going-punish-you-that- way but in that the "lady will have chicken" in a steak house way. Instantly mouse's head went down and while she wasn't sure how she felt, she didn't say anything aside from a brief smile and a nod.  

We eased into a conversation, although mouse can't recall what it was about. The weather, the place, music, work, but all the while mouse was stuck between being in awe of him and terrified. It occurred to mouse, far too late, that each man she had dated had failed because they weren't him. He had the confidence they had lacked. He knew how to be in control and make it look natural. 

He also knew mouse intimately. Maybe that's why he ordered the way he had. Testing the waters, to see if mouse was still mouse, or grew into something different. A woman that would argue, and insist that she is capable of ordering what she wanted. Oddly, when she dated those fellows she had no problem talking for herself, but with him she became mouse. Secretly grateful for it too and just as much as she was grateful, it terrified her. 

After the meal that lasted a long time. He paid the bill and we left, again controlling mouse's steps with his hand on the small of her back. He opened his car door for her again, closed it. He walked around slipping behind the wheel and began to drive. In the driveway, he thanked mouse for a nice evening and then got out, opened her door, asked for her key and opened the front door. The dog was waiting, tail thumping wildly. He seemed impressed the dog refused to cross the threshold of the house. Only later did he learn the poor neurotic beast was afraid of leaving anywhere without a leash on his collar, for fear he'd become lost. It was a feeling that mouse could relate to in some strange way. 

Even if she wasn't ready to admit it to herself yet.

This puzzle that took years to sort out was falling into place, painfully slow but in retrospect it really moved along quickly. Sure if mouse had the benefit of seeing into the future she probably would have dropped to knees then and there. Later that evening, the dog laying at the foot of her bed, mouse thought about him. Every man she casually dated was in a weird way compared to Omega and each had failed because they weren't Him. Sure there was on semi "kinky" fellow but really does a slave think the idea of training a Dom how to be dominant a viable option? Make that "ex-slave" and the answer was a quick no. It was perplexing for her. Did she want to be a slave? Is it even possible? Not hearing from Omega for several days did little to quell these feelings. When she saw him at work, he said little and just when she convinced herself that he wasn't interested he'd call and ask her out. All the future times, mouse didn't once pick up a menu. Sure sometimes she'd drop hints that he would pick up or not.

The first time we had sex, there wasn't any kinky stuff, although he considered it, but he was probably as uncertain as mouse was at that time. We settled into a "friends with benefits" dynamic. Sex between us was always good, even years ago, and mouse felt we had a connection when we coupled. To this day mouse doesn't know if Omega felt that way. Sure he liked mouse but he wasn't sure at that time what he wanted either. He'd been out of the game for a while, shifting focus back to family and of course his career.

When he asked mouse if she would consider a Master slave arrangement with him, suddenly everything changed. He never said he loved mouse, but everyone around us knew we were both "feeling that way." Still it would be months before he'd actually say it, and at that time, mouse knew he really meant it. He's not afraid of the "l" word, but finds it unnecessary. Love, he believes is demonstrated and not said. He doesn't place conditions on it, or play games with it. It's there or it isn't.

Still he insisted that mouse take her time to decide what she wanted. Now, it should be admitted that mouse felt he was just being lazy -- because mouse was already a "trained" slave. Even today mouse rolls her eyes at that level of ego she expressed. Little did she understand that he was already high atop a mountain and mouse was miles and miles away from him and it would take her years to get where he was.

This brings mouse to wondering why he put up with her shenanigans? Did he see something in her that she didn't know or understand was there? He told her from the beginning he would have other women in his life that was not negotiable. He said she could accept it or not. He should have known that mouse would take an unsaid third option to simply ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen. Of course mouse was needy in those days and took so much of his energy that he didn't have much time fo anyone else. The issues she had became His issues. We were also starting a family, melding an already existing one so he didn't seem to mind much about that limit.

Did she become needy on purpose? Not really, but there were times where she knew she blew it up to be bigger than it was. It was more as though as much as mouse needed, deeply desired and even begged for more restrictions, less autonomy, the more it left her feeling confused and often irritated at the restrictions she already had. Pleasing Master was the balm.