Twists and Turns of Understanding

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” 

-- Anaïs Nin

How many times has this quote been published in here and other blogs? One line in particular really resonates deeply the part that goes, "His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot." 

There are hundreds of moments like this contained within the numerous words that filled this blog (or journal), but even more moments that weren't shared. Not really certain why or why not, some probably seemed insignificant at the time. Each were an opportunity to learn (probably). Each lesson was either embraced, dismissed or eventually, often much later understood. Today, mouse has a deeper understanding of her real purpose as Master's slave than she did years ago. 

Have you ever struggled to learn something, set out with some measure of determination to understand it thoroughly only to fail? Then years later, you just "get it" it's as though the skies opened with a voice on high saying, "This is it!" Finally you understand it and then, suddenly after you curse yourself for being such a ninny for not grasping it the first, second or even third time, you wonder why it took so long? What was different this time that made that bit of learning so easy? Was it the teacher or the way it was explained, or maybe more succinctly you were just ready for it now? 


Years ago, before we were really Omega and, mouse, we were experimenting with how this thing we would eventually do, might work. He began instructing on what he wanted, needed or simply just desired, and most were little things. He liked it when the female (in this case mouse) dressed in a feminine way, with hair, makeup, etc. He would offer small compliments on appearance or colors choices, or a not too subtle rebuke, "are you wearing that?" Like the "tie dyed finery" comment of  a few years before that. A small dig. He knew she could look better, behave better and well, become better. At first the modifications were tiny almost insignificant, and mouse was an accommodating subject for him. Then there was the first eyebrow arch of his. That first time something was said fell under scrutiny. 

It was a simple thing, "Have a nice day." What could be so wrong about that? Yet, there it was, his eyebrow up but offered nothing else. A few more times and the same reaction, yet nothing was said. Although as many long-time readers are well aware, Omega can express more with that one small action than most men can express in a volume of words. Eventually, one morning he remarked on it, quietly, while pulling mouse close in an embrace. "Do you feel it is proper for a slave to command a Master?" -- It was something she forgot about, only to find that mouse had lightly mentioned it before in a previous post. 'Lightly mentioned' because it was hidden within a post about using the pronoun "i". Honestly that's a common thread for mouse, sticking a deeper thought within a filter of something else so she can't dwell on them and that tidbit of control goes unnoticed by all involved.

The remark left mouse unsettled, but undaunted she continued to say, "have a nice day" whenever he left for work, or a trip or whatever adjusting the words accordingly. "Have a nice day" or "Have a safe trip." There's nothing wrong with that, right?  Probably another lesson mouse wasn't ready to learn, because after all, she had said this daily to her former owner and he never corrected her. With some haughty delight mouse considered Omega, at least at times, to be a rather lazy Master, after all he was cheating, he had a fully trained slave. He didn't have to teach mouse what slavery was. Yes, her head was swimming with thoughts about how great she was and what great luck for him to find her.  

Looking back at those times, it's a wonder Master put up with mouse at all. He's patient but that patience must surely been stretched quite far by that time. The fun stuff, sex and sadism were the easy bits. It was the nuts and the bolts that were the problem. We got along well (which is probably why we lasted) but there were times that mouse came along kicking and screaming. It wasn't until last year, when things began to really turn around and mouse had finally understood all the mistakes and how hard the road was ahead to repair the damage was going to be. 

As a couple mouse always envisioned herself maybe a few steps behind him (and sometimes even ahead of him). Now she was learning how very far behind him she really was. It was as though he were at the summit of Everest and mouse was thinking basecamp must be the top. So far down the mountain was she, that He couldn't see her. Maybe she slid, or just fell. Now looking back with 20/20 vision that only seeing things in retrospect can bring, mouse has the feeling she wasn't even on the same mountain. Now, Master says something different about that. He is generous to point out that there was always a lot going on but did sense that the only time that mouse truly connected with her slavery to Him was at the lake. 
 
Going back for a moment to the common turn of phrase, "have a nice day," and his remark some years earlier was a lesson that mouse wasn't ready to understand -- even though in the linked post it should seem that she did understand that. There's a difference between saying "i hope you have a nice day" and "have a nice day." Let's be clear first, we aren't talking snark. It was never (or rarely said) with any sort of sarcasm. It was never wielded like a whip. Yet, it did smack of a command. It was subtle. It was wrong for mouse to say that no matter how well-intentioned it was meant. He said more than once it was innocent and without any malice and still just a teeny bit out of bounds. A slave shouldn't presume to command a Master in anything. A lesson learned, sure maybe that took longer than it should, but still learned. 

A realization that brought her closer to where he was.