What a Drag it is Getting Old

Ok well mouse isn't using a "Mother's Little Helper" like Mr Jagger suggested years ago, but that first line certainly grabbed her. Not sure why but mouse has been super emotional lately. Any little thing has her reduced to tears. Saturday morning, mouse woke and just began sobbing, huge tears just rolling down her cheeks. Master was a little freaked out by that sudden outburst. The last time He saw mouse that bad was when He carried her to the car. Once He sorted out that she wasn't in pain or physically in distress He just held her.  Maybe it's because she can't really do anything? Master said it was fine for moues to feel vulnerable, and He said that she hasn't shown that side of her in a while. After of course she felt stupid and embarrassed but Master said she shouldn't.

Flipping the TV on (unheard of in the morning) mouse caught the tail end of an old film that didn't really interest her. The next movie started, and it was Casablanca and she watched that. Yeah quiet tears at the middle and then at the end. Terms of Endearment? Oh hell no. Then she flipped again and found The Poseidon Adventure. Oh not the remake the original with Gene Hackman and Shelly Winters. Classic disaster film, a film genre that mouse has found to be a guilty pleasure. After getting an apple and some nuts to munch on, she settled down to watch and enjoy a tear free movie that she hadn't seen in forever.

Everything was fine until she got to the part where Shelly Winters offers to swim underwater because she's the only one that is qualified to do it. Her character had been a swimmer in her youth and won an award for underwater swimming. Yep, big tears rolled down her cheeks, when Gene Hackman realizes she had given her life to save them all. This was getting silly now, yet the intense emotions had just grabbed her.

Master was out grocery shopping and running other errands and decided to use mouse's car because it should be driven. Kids were out on their usual Saturday stuff too. He returned, in the mid afternoon, to His red-eyed slave, carrying in bag after bag. Kids followed, obviously annoyed, and stuff just kept coming in. He had gone to grocers, the butcher and Costco because we were out of toilet paper. Had he strapped the kids to the roof of the car?

He put some music on and cooked dinner, He helped her up and plated a bit of food, gave her the antibiotic. He asked what she ate for breakfast, lunch and the snacks. Oops, she kinda ate lunch an apple and some nuts, He wasn't happy with that. Honestly she wasn't hungry. He said ok, but made her promise that she would try harder. He would remind her. Keeping her strength up is important for healing He reminded her. The doctors told her that too. Of course again her eyes filled with fresh tears. He just smiled at those.

Master has remarked a few times that he doesn't mind the tears, and of course  He's often said that mouse is feeling emotional since the ordeal. There's this feeling of vulnerability that mouse hasn't really felt in a long time. Aside from punishments, or feeling incredibly angry or frustrated, she can't remember the last time she cried in front of Him. Even the angry or frustrated tears usually happen when she's all alone and prefers to not bother Him with those tears.

It didn't make Him happy hearing that. He asked when the last time that mouse cried alone, couldn't really remember, it was a very long time ago (the bad week aside). He said firmly that she isn't allowed to hide her rears from Him. If something upsets her, even if it's Him, He wants and needs to know. Just like He wants to know if she's happy.

Going to tread lightly on this next part, because it's going to sound a little wrong and it's not meant that way. He admitted He likes mouse a little emotionally fragile. Master likes it when she shows Him how vulnerable she feels at times. Right now the tears seem excessive, but life has the tendency to harden you a little, and He enjoys the softer side of mouse. To be clear, if someone should say something that hurts mouse, He doesn't like that at all and will defend her or talk her through it or both. That largely depends on the situation or who has done it and what was said. He's usually quick to encourage forgiveness for slights. There's a tendency today to make a fuss over the strong female. Even looking at Netflix there's usually a section for 'Strong women in lead roles', but to be clear, mouse doesn't care about that, if the story is good it doesn't matter.

There was a time where mouse was extremely emotional and relied on Master for that support. He took that all very seriously, taking steps that some found uncomfortable to protect and insulate her from it. Time passed and she grew stronger and better equipped because of His support. Then things just changed for her. The tears, aside from required ones, stopped. Sure watching a sad movie she'd never seen before might cause some stray tears to fall. Even if Master said something genuinely sweet, there was happiness but not that tearful joy. That feminine feeling didn't really manifest anymore. There used to be times when we'd be together, physically that mouse would cry after. He never really understood or knew what to do with those tears but He accepted them.

Oh, it's like if empathy has a switch it was toggled off. Thinking back, mouse has always had a strong ability to imagine what another person might feel and often strongly let those emotions inside her. Master doesn't really do that. He looks at situations from an analytical distance. He's the provider and hasn't the time or energy to be mired in pesky feelings. While mouse would meander with her emotions in a serpentine motion. He'd just see the destination and go straight to it.

Monday night mouse told Him about this post, and that she was struggling to put into words the feelings in a way that didn't sound crazy but authentically explains them. Master listened carefully and mentioned that He hadn't seen *that* mouse in a long time. He said it wasn't bad before or now. Life got busy, we got busy and mouse changed a little. He said it wasn't terrible. Even though she felt more like His slave than she had in the past, there was something different about her, like she at long last understood and accepted this was what it was and never looked back. Any tears were shed in private and usually for a purpose, like punishment or knowing Master was displeased. There was a shift that occurred as mouse became more comfortable in her place and reached an odd zen level of acceptance. The tears that once came without purpose or distinct meaning left her.

Master mentioned there was a time, many years ago we had been out just us, and we stopped in a bookstore to look around. After becoming distracted by a shiny thing, mouse failed to notice that Master wasn't around. He recalled that He found her, looking unnerved, with her eyes full of tears. He blotted the tears with the handkerchief He always carries, and kissed her forehead. He loved that moment and scolded mouse for saying she felt stupid over it later. Master said that passion had come from somewhere deep inside mouse and she was completely unafraid not just show it but display it in a public space to Him. He called it extraordinarily feminine. He could name many times it happened because each time He felt the surge of something innate and Male in Himself.

We became silent, mouse eventually turned her attention to the movie playing on the TV, He got up and went to His study presumably to work -- He's still playing the catch up game. He woke her up, she fell asleep watching the movie, obviously it didn't hold her attention well. After making a bit of work small talk, He realized that mouse thought He was working in the study. Master said no, He was searching the blog. He said that when He wrote in that post of His that He hadn't paused to reflect on mouse's words in a while, He realized how long that had been. He searched it using various terms and keywords (not tags).

Because mouse has blogged fairly consistently for a decade, He could begin to pinpoint when the shift in mouse began. He concluded it was probably more His fault than He'd realized. Of course, mouse began arguing with Him a little, how could He be to blame for that too? It's not His fault. He said that when mouse in the hospital, He realized how long it had been since He had verbally expressed His love for her. Even when mouse said it to Him, He'd just smile or kiss her. To be perfectly clear she always felt His love, and told him, as far as she was concerned she didn't need to hear it.

Then He looked at her and said, "Don't you?"

He said it was probably around 2014 that she last wrote about anything close to us making love. He couldn't remember the last time. He said He grew very comfortable just using mouse's body for His own pleasure and she was quick to interrupt Him saying she got pleasure from it too. He simply raised His hand to stop her mouth and stated that sometimes we did need that but it had gotten very lopsided. He knew mouse didn't mind it but He felt it had to cause a shift in the way she thought of herself, even if she wasn't aware of it. Less feminine and more object like. He grew colder with her and more indifferent.

Master finished it by suggesting that this ordeal had caused Him to take pause and do some reflecting on our relationship. While He feels that some of the tears are just related to the hospital stay, He also feels that He's also been more attentive and considers that the extra attention might contributing to those emotions that just bubble up in mouse. He said He'd taken mouse for granted, that she'd just be there as He wanted and nearly losing her shook Him up and woke Him up to many things. Even things unrelated to our relationship, like His work, our family.

Fresh tears fell as His words sunk in. There were assumptions she'd made, and even though she's not to presume anything, as things changed she buried some feelings that she felt were inappropriate. The intense feelings that He would bring up in her, she had assumed He didn't want those silly girly feelings. He wanted His slave to follow His orders, keep the house, take care of the kids, handle the cooking and shopping, and always be open to His needs and sexual appetite. But mouse didn't mind it and in some ways found it comforting to be useful to Him and lessen His burdens.

Turning it all over in her mind mouse wondered about everything He said and reread His post for the hundredth time. There it was, He had remarked about how He would treat mouse with less indifference. Now, He felt He knew it had gone on longer than He thought. Still it made mouse uncomfortable because she loves Him and our life, the future now feels slightly out of whack. To be perfectly clear, He isn't worried in the least. For right now, this moment, His focus is on mouse's recovery and that's really all that matters to Him. The discussions have illuminated some issues but Master said that now He's aware of it, He can adjust and He knows that mouse will follow where ever He leads. No truer words were ever spoken by Him.

Still, she doesn't need the grand gesture of love, she doesn't need Him wasting money on flowers or anything else (she's never been a jewelry or clothing girl anyway). When He checks her tires to make sure they have the right amount of air (because He doesn't trust the sensor), He's showing her that He cares. When He sends a text message or calls when He's traveling, He's showing He cares. He's always been generous with the grocery and household money, now even more so because a couple shopping trips and He's learning how much everything costs. Seeing a receipt slip on His desk was one thing, doing it was different. The way He's stepped up with so much since mouse has come home and He has definitely demonstrated that He cares and loves mouse.

While she was in the hospital, He did tell her that He loved her. The days that followed He'd say it and of course mouse accepted it, but didn't really give a lot of thought. It wasn't until we talked about it that those words took on a different meaning. Master has never been one to mince words or say something He doesn't mean but He also, won't bother saying what He feels He doesn't need to say. He's always been free with compliments on mouse's cooking, or when she dresses in something He finds attractive but when He felt it was deserved. The words of love when He really feels them, are nice to hear and yes, now it makes mouse weepy.

It's taken her four days and two intense conversations to write all this out. There was lots of going back and forth, asking Master's advice and making sure that He didn't mind the content. Even now, mouse feels a little nervous putting it all out there, even though she knows she shouldn't.