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Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Must Have a Code that You Live By


Children and the "lifestyle" is a question that always comes up. How do you raise kids with Master/slave dynamic?  Children mirror the best and the worst of their parents. We try really hard to make sure that we mirror good behaviors that we'd want them to emulate. For example just because Master is Master doesn't mean that He doesn't say "please" or "thank you" to mouse for passing the potatoes or picking up his dry cleaning. The children automatically picked up on that common courtesy and do it themselves without being prompted, in a very genuine way.  

Yes the kids do see mouse taking off Master's shoes at the end of a long day and mouse has just always explained it this way, "Daddy works very hard so we should be nice to him when he comes home." It's hard walking through the door at the end of day and just shifting gears.  He likes the extra attention and deserves it. When mouse worked, she had an hour or more to decompress before the house was filled with activity. If he sleeps in late, and mouse is up hours before him, it's also just as helpful to not hit him up with the family news of the morning. People who just wake are rarely ready to converse and honestly, it's something that mouse does struggle with at times. 

Yes, we also have had arguments, one recently about a clogged sink. It began with exasperation about it still being clogged, devolved into yelling and ended with him taking the sink apart and fixing it right then. The children saw this and knew we were angry with each other. After Master apologized for letting the sink remain clogged for so long (it had been a couple of months) and mouse apologized for getting so frustrated with him. For kids, seeing parents argue isn't a big deal as long as they see the resolution as well. They saw us admit we were both wrong. 

They don't know, nor do they need to know our sexual predilections. It's doubtful we'd ever share that information. Now, hearing things is different. We do worry that the kids might hear Master spanking or even whipping mouse. Usually such things happen only when we're certain they're asleep. We are blessed with children that are heavy sleepers. They also live in a house where we respect each other's privacy but that doesn't mean that mouse leaves butt plugs out where the kids could find them, or any other toys. They're kept in a box on a shelf in our bedroom. If discovered, the snooping would be evident. In Master's study, the kids know that they're not allowed to play in there anyway, but just in case Master does keep his cabinet locked. Whenever there is doubt Master will take mouse into the garage and carry out a punishment inside the car which no one would hear. Awkward but very effective. At the lake we had a place outside, an old potting shed that was perfect for that activity. 

We like to think our approach is common sense. Master presented mouse with a new journal where she could use it to write her thoughts, but after a brief discussion we decided it might be better to use it to handle schedules and daily todo type things rather than intimate thoughts. Even after her death, mouse isn't sure that she'd want the children to stumble across this blog. Even if it were still active, and purely by accident. The only thing they need to know is that their parents love each other very much and that's really about it.  

As far as slave verses vanilla world, we really don't do anything terribly different than anyone else does. Yes, mouse tries to keep to third person speak much of the time, but there are times where she must use pronouns and just does so, but tries to limit their uses.  Yes, mouse serves Master, but it's never anything very obvious. Coffee, he likes a drop of cream on weekends, his daily coffee is just black, so mouse adds it and stirs it for him.  He orders for mouse, but it's always natural sounding when he does it.  At someone else's home, mouse always tries to be useful to the hostess or host, if seating is tight, she will gladly give up a seat for someone else and sit on the floor close to Master.  Again, under those circumstances it looks perfectly reasonable to the outsider.  

There are small things he might require of mouse that could be construed as "off" but usually those are places we don't frequent on any regular basis.  He might order a large plate of food, and feed mouse from his plate, requiring that she not speak or make eye contact and keep her hands on the table, resting.  It might just provide an odd "work story," for the person serving to regale their friends later but unlikely to be much more.  Master is a gentleman and that comes across in his personal style.  He opens doors for ladies, rises when whenever mouse stands or leaves the table (unless she's serving then it would be inappropriate to do to so). It usually has an odd effect on the women and men around him that's almost funny to watch. Often mouse will joke, once the show became popular that he's very Downton Abbey in his manners. Yet, it's simply just who he is. It's also why being around him can be very confusing for women in particular who aren't used to that type of treatment. He doesn't treat mouse like she's less than himself, but rather as something worthy of his attention and protection. Protection might be too strong a word, but for now mouse lacks the refined vocabulary to think of a better word.

That's probably another thing, Master doesn't want to be "mothered" by mouse, so she doesn't place food on his plate for him (well, sometimes for breakfast because it's just easier). Helpful reminders, properly phrased, are always welcomed but not nagging. Special thanks to Downunder Dom for suggesting that mouse revisit this topic with her new perspective on her slavery and place in Master's life.  A final thought, mouse did consult with Master before writing this up to be completely certain that she was being accurate and fair in the way she continues to view our life together. Master added that nothing would be changing in the future in that regard. He values his privacy and wouldn't relish being outed or portrayed in a way that is contrary to how he actually is.  

Monday, March 20, 2017

One Man Gathers what Another Man Spills





The same friend who posited the question mouse answered on Friday asked another couple questions of mouse, as they wondered after reading several swaths of the blog, the first, what exactly did "Alpha" do that was abusive? Now, in the past mouse might consider writing out all the terrible and horrible things he did do to mouse, but really, that might not be appropriate.  One Master or slave, might read such things and think there was nothing wrong with it -- at all.  Sure there might be moments that they'd say, "Well I wouldn't do that." but overall, they might not see anything wrong with the sum total of it all.

It was more about how it made mouse feel.  That's how she knows the relationship was abusive.  Sure, early on things were fine, and mouse was thriving, but later things changed.  Each day was like living in a permanent earthquake, with no positive reinforcement.  No choice was correct and what was wrong yesterday, might ok the next day and vice-versa.  All roads led to punishment and there was no way mouse ever found to avoid it.  He didn't tell her what she did wrong, but left her to guess was it punishment or merely play?  Was he angry or pretending to be angered?  There were times that he did show true anger, which was immediate. Often he'd punish again for what mouse can only assume was the same thing later.  Remorse was meaningless to him.  When you don't know what you did wrong, it's impossible to correct your actions.  Further impossible to predict what might be wrong next time.  To some, it might have been a slave's dream to be treated that way or a Master's dream to be that cold and objectify his property to that extreme.

To contrast this with Omega, who actually and terrifyingly enough shares some of the views of slavery as Alpha did, yet handles things much differently.  He makes his wishes very clear, and while he has lofty expectations mouse is well aware when she's failed.  Sure there are times that he will be harsh with mouse, but it's not punishment, but to remind her that she's for His pleasure and not the other way around.  There's a healthiness to our dynamic that was missing from the last years with "Alpha".  It's also probably worth mentioning that from the onset Omega was different and always has been.  While they shared similar views or ideas of slavery, they both employed different methods for accomplishing their goal.  Or it's also possible that "Alpha" had no such end goal in mind -- of that mouse cannot ever be sure.

There's no objective answer that this or that was abusive, but it was about the overall feeling that mouse had during those last years.

The second question was about how she's feeling now in regard to the recent shifts in her relationship with her Master.  All mouse can say is that it's been good thus far.  It's really only been a weekend but also a lifetime, so far Master hasn't triggered any emotions in mouse related to the past.  He does things slightly differently, in that mouse must not speak excessively and really she's better at listening because of this.  This relates to how she interacts with everyone in our life, the more active listening and less judgement.  As she suggested a weekend isn't long enough to know for sure, but so far it's been great.


Friday, March 17, 2017

The Weight



I picked up my bags, I went looking for a place to hide
When I saw old Carmen and the Devil, walking side by side.
I said, "Hey, Carmen, c'mon, let's go downtown,"
She said, "I gotta go, but my friend can stick around"

Happy St Patricks Day! While mouse hasn't advertised this, March is Q&A month, so if you do have any questions mouse will be happy to answer them as best as she can.  Probably the only reason mouse is bringing this up now, is because a good friend recently asked if her ideas about slavery have changed since beginning this blog.  Wow, really what hasn't changed in mouse's life since beginning this blog?  

The simple answer is yes, mouse's views have changed.  In the beginning mouse really believed that both sides of the power exchange getting something out of it, now to be clear mouse hasn't changed her view.  What has changed, is that being slave isn't at the center of anything. Sure, there are some dynamics where everything is carefully negotiated and smutty bdsm-y books will educate the would be submissive that her submission is a gift, and that she holds all the power.  Why? Simply put she can place limits on whatever activity she isn't interested in doing. Hard limits can stifle growth -- at least some do (and really mouse isn't talking about common sense ones either). Slavery is and should be defined differently. Once the offer is accepted the slave hasn't any more options. Effectively she loses her voice and the right to spout off whenever she feels the urge. There is no sanction or authority to to tell anyone else anything -- especially her Master and gives up quite willingly any right she might have had before.  This can include the right to vote.

It doesn't need to be said that mouse went into this dynamic with both eyes wide opened to the facts.  There wasn't any coercion, or force on the part of Omega.  There wasn't anything he did to brainwash mouse or tricked her into becoming his slave.  The truth was that she needed to be a slave, more than she ever realized.  

Last night something happened that seems to tie in nicely with this question, because mouse truly asked to be Omega's slave.  The request wasn't met with laughter from him, nor did he make a cocky comment.  He got it.  It isn't also that we weren't playing at Master/slave before because that wouldn't be true either.  Why the change? Why do this at all? Why did it need to be said or the action taken?  Before mouse was meeting slavery on her terms, and issued her own conditions for it.  It was, after all, her gift to him -- shouldn't she have a say in how it looks?  In fact, she never asked for His collar -- she simply said, "I'll be your slave." 

What mouse meant, at the time was: you can call me your slave, and I'll be submissive but I will retain some control.  Now, Master being a wise man, who's seen every trick in the book, saw something in mouse that he knew was there deep below the surface. In truth and probably worth mentioning is that had he been a different stage of his life, he might have rejected such an offer.  Yet, he had seen her bask in the glow of slavery before and knew she could again.  He knew it would be different with Him.  He also knew it would be a slow often arduous journey, replete with pain for her as well.  When he said to her one day that she would become His Perfection, he wasn't kidding, this wasn't a joke.  Sure mouse could dismiss the weight of the words,  by framing that he actually meant "perfect for him," or just reminding him that no one is perfect.  He never or rarely responded to those comments except of maybe his infamous, "I understand."  Master meant something far deeper than mouse was able to comprehend at that time.  

He began to help her reveal the slave buried deep inside that was terrified to come out, for fears of the past.  He worked with her tirelessly, endlessly to help her cope and come to terms with the past and in many ways make friends with the good and let the hurt go.  To forgive and really embrace what the forgiveness meant.  There were twists and turns but for the most part, although mouse didn't see it she was changing then.  Accepting while showing deference to his wishes. 

It wasn't until the weekly demerits and punishments began that things began to click with mouse and she needed the heavy hand that held her accountable for her each misstep.  That was Master's biggest gift to mouse, the gift of structure and discipline.  When he began taking control of her clothing choices and making his wishes more obvious, it was another moment for mouse to accept it.  The corset that she still has a love/hate relationship with, the plug that wears now nearly all the time to remind her that she's owned and has no choices of her own unless he allows it -- even then it's not really a choice, but maybe more an option. The accepting of his "pet" or even "pets" and embracing that it is his right. Also coming to understand that the sky didn't fall because he did have a pet to play with. Sometimes it's hard, much more is asked of her than she can feels she can accomplish in a mere 24 hours.  Somehow she does rise to the occasion and when he does say jump, she doesn't even think to ask 'how high,' but instead jumps with all her might.  

Of course he's fair and kind, if he asks he expects an answer but there isn't any "no" in her vocabulary anymore.  It's only as He wishes.  There isn't any pouting, except when being playful, and even then she must remain mindful not to be too impish with him.  He can be cold, and seemingly unfeeling, like when he's dressing her down before a punishment.  His tongue is just as sharp, carrying the same sting as the leather strap, riding crop or cane he might use to punish with and will leave mouse just as tearful.  Remorseful, not that she broke his rule to Obey or failed to meet an expectation, but because she's disappointed him. His corrections remind mouse that she's imperfect in her slavery.  

Master is her god and devil all wrapped in one Man, who is to be both feared and worshiped.  At somewhat long last, she welcomes the challenges that lay ahead -- the ones that Master has in store for her.  All she can hope that she is worthy of the tests and most of all of Him.

These realizations that mouse has recently had, are incredibly weighty but nothing compared when she knelt before him, and tearfully with the purist of hearts, asked for his collar -- his mark, whatever he wished for her.  It was the act of giving up the last little bit to Him.  To know that she's got no choice or say in any matter.  It was substantial and probably more than a little unexpected to him.  He wasn't awash with surprise, but stoic, yet there was something in his eyes.  Happy.

With mouse still kneeling, he left for a few minutes, by now her knees were hurting so she was shifting her weight, but he returned and helped her up. Then almost unceremoniously bent her over the chair in his study and whipped her bottom and without much fanfare fucked her.   He didn't have to say much, he certainly didn't need to lecture mouse on slavery or what this meant for her.  The most he said was that accepted her offer.

While getting ready for bed, mouse glanced at her reflection in the mirror, and the fresh marks on her backside and thighs.  There was a moment of pride in those marks, knowing that she earned them in a good way.  Master also added a new expectation for mouse to follow, she's no longer allowed to sit on the furniture without permission.  He would prefer that she keeps herself occupied without sitting for longer than a few minutes, except for driving and writing in her journal or blogging.  It should increase her step count for the day too.  Also she's to keep her phone with her at all times.  He added that he'll be sending random text messages throughout the day -- to check in.  He also wants her to begin a new handwritten journal.  He said he'd pick one up for her at a stationary store.

Here's to new beginnings!  

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

They are For Each Other


Things have been good lately, really good, the kind of good that gives you pause. Last year things were good and then they weren't.  That's life, though isn't it?  Most recently there's been a recognizing that she wasn't the slave she thought she was.  There's been some gains in becoming His perfection, and overall Master is satisfied with the ongoing progress.  It's not exactly his fault that mouse remained stagnated in her slavery -- the outside world seemed to do that for us both.  While the shift in focus from the outside to a more inward has been huge, it's also helped immensely with her outward focus as well.  That was sort of unexpected for mouse.

There's an apparent calmness that wasn't there before, and it's made mouse wonder if she'd had those feelings, as she does now, then, would last year have turned different?  Would she have stayed at the lake and just patiently waited?  Master said there's no way to know and he doesn't regret mouse returning -- considering how terrible the winter has been and how difficult travel has been (all that complicated by the family issues).

To be clear, mouse isn't trying to validate in anyway what she did, but really at this point trying to make sense of it.  It's really about perspective, and avoiding a similar error in the future.

Master did announce that we'll be returning to the lake for spring break.  It will be a week of work, but worth it, since we'll be able to get the place more or less settled for our summer return.  In the meantime, mouse has discovered a peaceful mindfulness here that usually only happened at the lake. It is making her excited for the short return.  In that compare/contrast way.  Will she feel even more relaxed there?  Or will it just continue?

Daily now mouse is wearing the plug, nearly around the clock, and it's helping to keep her thoughts from wandering too far.  The corset is a little tighter than she'd like, but she's getting used to that constricted feeling and is beginning to welcome it.  The jewelry also helps, in an odd way.  That is a bit surprising but being told to wear earrings and the pearls Master gave her, is rather like outward signs of His ownership of her.  Whereas the plug and corset are inward displays of his ownership.

One thing is for sure, while Master will (hopefully) continue to encourage and guide mouse, he's simply not "Daddy" anymore.  He is of course, but at the same time, he's not.  There's been a shift to being more Master-like in guiding mouse's slavery to him rather than the focus on her personal growth.  Now, it's more about her growth as his slave and property.  It's also a bit fascinating to mouse that her personal growth is very much tied to her slavery.  They're both connected.  

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Is a Puzzlement


The female mind is often a minefield of contradiction -- at least mouse's mind is that way.  As she gains new insight into her slavery to Master, she realizes more acutely the way in the past she's failed. Now, to be certain, Master is a forward facing man, who doesn't believe in dwelling on the past.  Acknowledge the errors, or shortcomings, but don't recycle them or allow them to prevent action.  

Still, a retooling of her female think is needed for mouse to stop the noise in her head, and focus more effectively and clearly on Master.  This isn't to mean to shut off her brain to anyone else, or to stifle the empathy she feels for others -- quite the opposite is true.  That "what will the neighbors think" hum is in her head where she feels the need to clarify what she means.  

Recently there has been this hum, don't write about this or that, it might be taken wrongly or misconstrued or cause long-time readers undue worry or concern.  We've contemplated taking the blog private, but decided against that.  Perhaps it's hubris on the part of mouse, but she feels many words contained in this blog still hold value.

The unavoidable truth is that Master also wishes and always had wished for mouse to focus on her slavery more -- he truly believes it will help her growth.  Being held accountable for her actions did help her to understand better what he expects in. a slave, but now it's time that mouse move beyond the expectations to truly embracing their meaning.  This isn't like driving above the speed limit until you see the police on the corner ahead and then you slow down.  The rules apply even when no one is watching.

To that end Master is making some subtle changes, the corset is cinched a little tighter, the plug is worn nearly all the time, and mouse isn't allowed much personal freedom.  The pearls will be worn from the moment after she showers in the morning until bedtime when he takes them off.  

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Down to the Crossroads


While mouse wholeheartedly believes that Master is perfect, mouse is incredibly flawed and lacking the perfection Master deserves.  Ok, he's not "perfect" but he is Master.  Of course there's pleasure in service, but there's also confusion at times and while reading accounts of other slaves, leaving mouse wondering why she doesn't always feel engaged fully in her slavery to Master.  There are times where she struggles and not sure if it's also the 'mom' thing she has to do, but there's definitely something she lacks.

Last night, Master was working in his study, his fingers flying against the keyboard and mouse was beside him.  Instantly though, since she wasn't being useful to him, her mind began to wander to the million little things on her mental 'ToDo List".  Kids, school, meals all played in her mind -- how many days were missed this winter because of snow?  Future meals and do we have enough milk, should mouse have bought that extra gallon even though the date was next week?  It was a relief when Master excused her.

Yet, what's more slightly more discouraging is that mouse does this even when she is being of use to Master!  Sure, there are times when she is able to just "be" and bask in the pleasure of serving him, but as she sat reflecting on this, those moments feel rare to her.  Especially so when it seems he's disinterested in her efforts (which is part of the point that isn't lost on mouse), her brain checks out of the activity, drifting mentally toward ToDo Lists.  It's the same when she meditates if she can still her brain from twenty things to just one, it feels like a huge achievement.  As if confusion wasn't already her very best friend forever, most often when she's folding clothing or engaged in some rote activity, in the empty and mostly quiet house, all she can think about then is Master and doing small things for him that he'll probably never notice.

After confessing all this to Master, he naturally had questions, but more or less absolved her of any guilt she felt, and had her engage in some nice cock worship. This morning he had a few more questions, about when she had trouble quieting her mind.  More specific answers followed.  Not when she's engaged in worship of his body, or he's using mouse sexually (thanks goodness for that he muttered), but more when she's asked to simply sit quietly.  Then he asked about "after use" and after a brief pause mouse replied that no it wasn't an issue then either.

This led to a much more detailed discussion about really why mouse feels mindfulness easier at the Lake than here.  It's probably more than having all the trappings of modern life (internet, television, etc) here, but something else deeper that mouse simply lacks the vocabulary to explain.  He nodded and sat on the chaise lounge, called mouse to him and performed a maintenance spanking on her bottom.  He wishes mouse to grow in her slavery, not feel stagnated by it.  

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Consenting



It cannot just be mouse who's noticed that people are different?  It's like as if 2016 took with it the best of us, and now in 2017, we're left with the worst.  Everyone is on edge it seems.  Monday, mouse went for hair appointment, along with nails and toes (remember the days when most salons were closed on Mondays?).  Feeling pretty good in the black dress number Master picked for mouse to wear to the party that evening.  It was fine, mouse didn't embarrass Master or herself.  

Since mouse wasn't worried about her behavior she began to notice others behaviors. The haughtiness they were rude to the staff serving them.  Short while later while waiting for a drink, someone came by and offered bit of something (this was a cocktail type party) and mouse took one and said, "thank you." The server's face lit up, as though no one had said that to them ever.  Maybe this has always been the case, but mouse cannot remember it being so open before.  

Thankfully it wasn't the type of event we had to linger at and mouse did get a chance to catch up a little with a few people.  Also it's the last in a string of obligations until Passover in April.  Just noticed on the calendar it's already March 1, another year seems to be flying passed.

Back at home Master had mouse do as she's done after each engagement, went upstairs, undressed and waited for him. Each time now she chose to kneel with her head lowered to the floor.  Master again commented that it pleased him to see her like that.  The hour was late, the drive to and from the event had taken about the same time as we had stayed and Master was tired.  He sat on the chaise lounge and called mouse to him and had her pleasure him with her mouth before bed.  Still no orgasm for mouse although it did excite her.

The next evening, while the house was quiet, Master gagged his slave, whipped and then used her.  At first, mouse was basking in the warm afterglow of such use, then grew sad.  Soon tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was begging forgiveness that left Master flummoxed.

Years ago, when Alpha was dying, while mouse cannot be sure that he intended for mouse to become Omega's slave, the implication of Omega's unfettered access to mouse could be inferred as such.  Yet, after his death, still in mental shock and working through the trauma, guilt and other issues that plagued her, she almost defiantly refused to go with Omega.  Yes, he offered mouse a bed in his home.  The reason was that mouse demanded monogamy from him.  Yes, he had his own issues but mouse will never know if her presence in his life would have altered that course.

When we finally did "get together" he never changed, it was mouse who bent and pretended that option wasn't on the table.  It wasn't an intent to be disingenuous, but rather just as she put it, a way to pretend it wasn't an issue even when deep down she knew it was.  To be sure, Master is very protective of mouse too, and she now she feels that she manipulated that a little bit.  Master did point out that mouse was very broken by her past and what he still refers to as abuse.  He said it's just taken a while for mouse to come on board, and get to that place where she is truly a slave to him.

Still for mouse, it's nearly 15 years that mouse lost with Master that she will never get back. If time travel were possible the much older mouse would go to her younger self...If wishes were horses.  Would the younger self listen?  That is unknowable.