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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Newbie Tuesday: Topping from the Bottom

Editor Note: We are away on vacation. Comments are being moderated so please be patient as it might take several days to publish them all. These posts were written well in advance and scheduled on Blogger, unless otherwise noted.

This is an interesting and confusing topic for mouse that usually sparks a lot of discussion within the lifestyle. There must be hundreds if not thousands of threads on Fetlife and other places dedicated to it. This post is largely opinion although it's backed up with several years (decades) of experience. In the most simplest of terms Topping from the Bottom means exactly how it sounds. It means the person on the bottom is trying to control the situation -- whatever the situation might be.

The simplest definition mouse can come up with is that Topping from the bottom is about controlling the Top into doing what the bottom wants. It can be a fear response. To be clear, as mentioned further down, this isn't about playfully acting out or refusing a command. It's actually about trying to undermine the authority, all ready outlined, by subverting them in a way that is damaging to a power exchange.

The typical thing that mouse hears most often is the submissive or slave (or whatever vernacular that applies) acts out to be punished. This is done a myriad of ways, they can embarrass them, willfully break a rule, or any number of ways. The end result is that the submissive is looking for a reaction, usually an angry one, and desires rough play. Some Dominants dismiss this. They say it's only topping from the bottom if they allow it to be.

This bit of Dom logic fails however to mouse because the submissive brain can't differentiate between the two and sometimes they're not even aware that they're doing it. The idea of confirmation bias sets in, where the sub is getting what they really want and will repeat it. If it goes on long enough and the sub continues to get rewarded the power in the power exchange shifts -- this is unavoidable. The Dominant usually doesn't want to think they're being manipulated at all. Even if everyone else can see the manipulation. Once in a while it's fine to play the game...but the problem is the trip from fun to habit is shorter than most realize.

Just to be clear, we're not talking about signs that the sub wants to play. Some couples do that -- even mouse. It's not topping from the bottom because the Dom is still free to decide if he has the time or inclination to play. This comes back to the whole argument about who is really in control. BDSMy romance books will often say the sub is really in control and has all the power because they stop anything at any time. This is partially true. Sure there are times that mouse could drop a safe word, like a bomb, and stop something -- but it's also equally likely that after so many years Daddy would call bullshit on the safe word, and continue.  Let's also be clear, dropping a safe word can destroy trust on both sides of the power exchange dynamic.  If that Dominant can't trust that the submissive is telling the truth when the safe word is used -- play becomes a minefield.  An experienced Dominant can tell the difference between frightened and arousal through body language. Likewise a Dominant who ignores a legitimate safe word, risks destroying trust in his submissive. Slavery is different in that the person on the bottom has given up all rights to protest and truly wishes to be controlled -- even in ways she never envisioned.

To another couple this can be a bad ending and it would depend on how badly they both wish the relationship to continue. If the Dom wants to really see how things would go, they won't give the bottom what they want, but something different than they expect. This could mean holding back a harsh corporal punishment in favor of something else. Writing lines, corner time (which to a pain slut is dull) or even removing themselves for a period of time. Daddy will sometimes when he's extremely frustrated with mouse, stop interacting with her and gives her the silent treatment. Even in bed, he'll refuse to cuddle and even reject morning oral. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's soul crushing to mouse.  

Relationships require a lot of good communication and with a power exchange dynamic this is really important.  There are times when Daddy pushes mouse into a certain direction she will balk at it, and this is to be expected.  He'll generally wait for mouse to catch up to him and he can wait a long time. But he also won't compromise his standards or what he expects.  So when mouse slyly tried to top him from the bottom to get him to do what she wanted it failed miserably. As mouse wrote in that post, it's not something she's proud of at all.  However, Daddy's quick to point out that its rather human nature to try to get around something.  

In some ways the submissive making an assumption about the Dom's preference can be construed as topping from the bottom and that largely depends on the Dominant.  Some service oriented slaves think of nothing of substituting one unavailable item for something else that's similar.  Like swapping Coke for Pepsi since they're both caramel colored sugary beverages.  In most cases this isn't seriously topping from the bottom, since the items are similar.  However it can lead to a comfort zone mindset that occurs where the submissive feels it's ok to speak for the Dominant in place of asking.  In many ways its intent is innocent, sometimes the submissive simply wants to show or demonstrate how well she knows her Master and she totally might be right.  Still care needs to be taken that a line isn't over-stepped. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Newbie Tuesday: Punishments, Masochism and How they Work


Editor Note:  We are away on vacation.  Comments are being moderated so please be patient as it might take several days to publish them all.  These posts were written well in advance and scheduled on Blogger, unless otherwise noted.  

Punishments Masochism and How it all Works Together 


It doesn't matter what type of dynamic you've got or what you call yourself (meaning you could be a submissive, slave, pet, or beginning a Domestic Discipline Dynamic), you've done your research and you've read all the blogs. You're reasonably sure this is what you want in a lifestyle.  It's true, some people don't do punishments at all or very rarely.  It isn't part of their usual vocabulary.  Other's engage in what mouse calls mock-punishment -- You've been naughty -- and you know where that goes.   Also, we're going to assume that the Dominant is someone to be trusted...Because without trust there isn't anything -- and only when there is great trust can the submissive let go of the control.  

Pain and the Masochist Mind

One of the common questions newbies usually during their gathering information stage who are uncertain if they're even a masochist will ask, 'you're a masochist right? So you like all pain?'  Pain is a physical response to something.  It tells your body something isn't right.  When you stub your toe, or bump into something, pain receptors travel across the body to the brain first to let you know to stop whatever it is your doing.  Then your body tries to correct the problem.  It will raise your heart rate so blood travels faster to the brain and heart to protect them.  

So no, a masochist doesn't go around getting into car accidents because they like pain.  If you stub your toe it hurts like the dickens because it's an unexpected pain.  Our bodies do a wonderful job of anticipating when something will be painful and sometimes we get that wrong too.  Something that appears painful isn't.  Your body learns from that experience, so the next time your body is confronted with a similar set of variables, the mental response is dulled.  Like taking a bandaid off quickly or slowly.  You know it will likely hurt.  

Everyone still has different tolerances to pain and that's important to keep in mind also.  Our evolutionary journey has told us to ignore small pain because it's a show of weakness or fear -- sometimes to our own detriment.  So pain is very complicated.  Add to that the fact that pain does trigger receptors that release endorphins and hormones that cause a synaptic reaction where pleasure is felt.  Breast feeding is a great example.  No woman in her right mind would allow a baby to nurse, if it wasn't for all those hormones that are released that trigger a pleasure response -- similar to let down.  In fact often, although mouse didn't write about it much, when Daddy would cause pain in some way, often she would leak milk and sometimes it would be a lot.  He rather enjoys that.  It's also why mouse has continued to produce milk (although the supply diminished greatly once the baby stopped nursing) and still pumps (and dumps) her breasts twice a day.  Like a cow needing to be milked.   

Punishment 

Often a new submissive feeling the first blush of their submission wants a lot of rules.  There are websites that offer help in designing what rules a submissive should have.  Daddy doesn't like the more objective word "Rule" and prefers the more subjective, "Expectations." We don't really exist in a black and white world, instead there is a lot of gray areas.  

Regardless of what you call them, you need to know that somehow they'll be enforced.  Sometimes people will refer to this as a "punishment dynamic." Otherwise the rule becomes meaningless.  An example might be traffic laws.  If no one ever got a ticket for speeding, what would be the point in maintaining the posted speed?  What is the point of a stop sign or school zone, if it's never enforced?

One of the biggest mistakes or missteps a newbie to the lifestyle is thinking one size fits all.  Daddy has carefully made up mouse's expectations and they're geared only for her.  He's actually kept records of different expectations he's had for slaves or subs over the years.  Each were specific to the sub in question and in some cases only applicable to them personally.  

Does punishment work? 

Honestly, mouse can only hold up her own example if it works or not, but she'd have to admit for her it did.  It's taken years but yes.  When Daddy truly began holding mouse accountable for her actions and administering a punishment on a regular basis eventually mouse began paying better attention to her errors -- and stopped making assumptions about what he wanted and began to ask him.  It takes a lot of energy on both sides of the power exchange to make that work. There needs to be measure of constancy that what is wrong today, will be wrong tomorrow and so forth and the punishment must be consistent with that.  The worst thing is to begin with a whole lot of rules or expectations, a new submissive with 25 rules for behavior is almost going to fail, likewise an inexperienced Dominant might like the idea of lots of rules but in the end, discovers there's only a few that are really important to him personally. The rest are things others feel he should be concerned with.  At the same time the Dominant is going to find it difficult to enforce a rule that they don't care about.

You also can't expect this lifestyle to fix flaws.  If you overeat, drink or smoke, the Dominant really can't make you stop doing those things.  You've got to decide that you really want to stop the behaviors and adhere to it.  They can and should hold you accountable but they can't force you to change in the long term.  Short term yes, they can effect a change but it's still up to you to continue.  You might be emboldened by positive changes but it's got to be enough to keep you going.

Punishing a Masochist

The other question that comes up frequently is if the masochist likes pain, how are they punished?  First, punishment is a different mindset.  It's about disappointing the other person.  You feel remorseful, because you've let them down.  If the Dominant suspects the submissive is acting out to receive a punishment, a clever Dom will change the punishment to something not as pleasant.  Daddy is often fond of embarrassing mouse in some way, because he knows that she hates that.  That's why he lectures her before the punishment is carried out.  He will talk at length about the need to be accountable and what mouse could have done to prevent the issues.

This, again for us, places mouse in the mental space where she knows this won't be fun and that she'll have to endure it.  If he's really frustrated the punishment can go on for a few days even.  He doesn't want to do things that will confuse mouse, but sends instead a very clear message that whatever she's done is not tolerated.

So, in short, a punishment dynamic can work, but it needs to be consistent and because people are human, we will make the same mistakes over and over.  It is very rare that someone is only punished once for something and never again.  You have to keep your expectations about it and what it can and can't do realistic.  It takes time, but in conjunction with trust and whole lot of other things it can work.  

Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Long Run

Dear Readers,

It seems mouse did cause a whole lot of concern in her last post. Really as she tried to explain in the comments she hadn't meant to. The problem is at times that mouse often has so much to say or express that during the rewrites things are left out. Sometimes it's because she planned to move the thought to a different paragraph or whatever.

When we played and tried what mouse called the poly thing, it failed horribly. That was back in 2011. After that mouse concluded he could do what he wanted but didn't want to know anything about it, or anyone else. The hard limit was dropped, but mouse was still miles from where she needed to be. He didn't engage anyone else until the end of 2013. During that time between, he worked very hard with mouse with her abuse issues of the past. He demonstrated time and again how committed he was to mouse. He has shown her nothing but the deepest love.

In many ways mouse did try to top him from the bottom, when she would try to make him want to stay home. He didn't fall for it ever. It's not anything she's proud of.

Really in retrospect, the problems were that mouse wouldn't discuss it with him much, mentally flipping out at the thought, and her own nagging insecurities that she just wasn't enough. Then the crushing failure of trying to be more. Had she spoken with him more about the insecurities, he might have been able to assuage those fears or address but mouse didn't show them. Privately when he wasn't at home, she would cry, kick and get angry but the moment he walked through the door, she was so happy to see him all the angst was forgotten for the moment. Because he came home to her.

Well, until the next time. Then it repeated.

Doing the research helped more than mouse could express. Even the few scientific studies she could find on it, news articles, whatever on open relationships -- helped her to see that she was making it so much harder than it had to be. Daddy didn't love mouse any less or the others any more. We all different.

DV remarked in a comment in the last post, "Second, doing this is not about you not being enough, it's just being with someone different. You can do the same thing with two different people and it will be different. It's not about comparing, or looking for something that is missing."

This is what Daddy's said a hundred times to mouse. This was what she needed to get -- that it wasn't about her flaws or her own inadequacies that drove him into the arms of another woman. It was just something different.

Omega has always been poly. He's always had many women in his life and often even in his bed. He cared about them all. He has through the years remained in contact with many of them. He won't accept any criticism from them where mouse is concerned. They saw it far differently. They saw mouse as being messed up and not allowing him to be himself. They probably wondered why he stayed with mouse at all. One of them, "Cat" left a comment as well. The irony of her referring to herself as "cat" wasn't lost on mouse. But her point was well taken and appreciated.

We have grown more together than before. Yes, some might say that mouse has submitted to him deeper. That could be true, or it also could be that mouse loves him and he loves her. Maybe submission isn't the right word or term at all. Maybe it's just about acceptance. Accepting and appreciating all the parts of Omega.

Also she didn't mean to give the impression that he hid the relationship from mouse and just did what he wanted, when he wanted. Hid was a very poor choice of words. The truth was he tried to discuss it like adults should, mouse didn't want to hear about it and just said she didn't care -- don't want to know and don't give mouse a disease. He found the disease comment rather appalling that mouse would think so little of him. In the end, he did follow her wishes. He wasn't thrilled but he also knows mouse waaaay better too. He believed with all his heart that she would calm as her trust that sky wouldn't fall increased, and hoped one day she would accept it. Daddy is quite happy now that mouse does and was overall pleased with Friday's post -- probably becsuse he's used to reading between the mouse lines

One of the reasons mouse didn't write about this was because on many levels it did confuse her a bunch. How he could be so sexy and loving with mouse and need to be with someone else? As DV pointed out, it's not about that. It's just different. The shading she would have given this, had she written about it, would not have favored or did Omega any justice. In fact, looking back of some of her words in her very private diary she made him sound like an uncaring cad. He's never been that, but mouse's own anger shaded him that way.

Still the shift in her thinking, the challenge to her ideals and notions of right and wrong spurred the post Friday. The need to explain the changes that have occurred. In that mouse didn't really achieve what she set out to do. The idea that we can have deep changes of heart and not have it be the end of the world. As mouse read through the comments fit to be published she realized that she had at least somewhat failed. For that she is deeply sorry. Also, since we are going away for a while mouse felt it wrong to end it with just that post.

Thanks as always for reading!

 

Friday, May 29, 2015

Cause I Love You

Back in the 80s the band The Eagles did a song called, "I Can't Tell You Why" and as we know that mouse loves songs and lyrics are often her poetry.  Around a year and half ago, yes it's taken mouse that long, Daddy and mouse started feeling much more connected than ever before.  We felt closer and better together -- far more connected. We grew more together and he was very in tune to mouse's needs but also steadfast in his making her toe the line.  Nothing's changed yet everything has.  

Daddy also around that time took a "pet", a girl we both knew. They would get together and play when they had the time.  At first, he kept the relationship a secret from mouse because she was so insecure and fearful...what if he liked the other girl more than mouse?  What if he fell in love with her?  The internal fear hum drove mouse insane and told him in so many words that she couldn't handle it -- even dropped the "hard limit" thing.  The loudest internal hum came from the fact she couldn't understand why she wasn't enough for him.  

It took her a long time to realize that it's not quite about that.  He's always had lots of women in his life and it was mouse that always shying away from that part of his life.  The simple truth is for him, one woman would never be enough.  Was that ok?  Honestly, mouse took a don't ask, don't tell approach.  What he did was his business and she didn't want to know about it, and pretended it didn't happen.  We could say mouse was moving closer but not quite.  He'd sometimes come home from work late and go immediately upstairs to shower and mouse would internally freak out about it.  He'd mention plans that didn't include mouse and she'd try to change his mind -- cajoling him or tried to use her feminine whiles to hold him at home.  When it failed, she blamed herself again thinking she wasn't enough.  

During that time he remained unchanged -- he didn't waver in what he wanted.  He treated mouse with respect and demonstrated that he truly did love her unconditionally.  Yet, mouse seemed to be placing conditions her her love for him.  Relationships are complicated.  

After around a year, his relationship with his pet ended because he knew the pet needed more than he could offer and they mutually decided to end it.  This was a huge relief to mouse thinking, well he's gotten that out of his system.  But no.  It wasn't that at all.  This wasn't something that he could ever change about him.  He really does believe to humans monogamy is an unnatural state.  Even in the wild animals that "mate for life," the DNA tested on the offspring showed something else unexpected -- DNA that didn't match.   It's led naturalists to ask, do they seek each other for companionship and comfort? 

So, mouse was making this all harder than it had to be and was maybe growing up or moving forward toward where he was.  What is slavery?  How she wished she could turn the hum off in her head!  It would make everything so much more easier.  We didn't discuss it, because mouse wouldn't engage with that topic at all.  Earlier this year, he came from work and showered, sending mouse into a mental tizzy -- this is a huge signal.  This time was different.  Taking a look at him she realized he does love her.  He won't hurt her.  He won't do something that he knows would upset mouse.  

It took forever for mouse to ask.  Months passed.  During that time mouse was reading more about open relationships.  Now, she has to admit that she was looking for information that would back up her position.  That would validate her belief that somehow he wanted permission to cheat.  Now, mouse has made it pretty clear that she's atheist and when she looked...she found lots of religious people against this idea of relationship openness.  But she also found lots of evidence that open relationships are quite healthy and satisfying.  We're both wired in such a way that one thing that could change our thought processes is evidence.  

Damn it.  

Still Daddy was still very much Daddy....loving. caring, stern, stoic and ever mercurial.  He was sadistic when he wanted with mouse and drove her wild with pleasures she can't begin to explain but most are well documented here in this blog.  Still during this investigation period mouse felt false on these pages.  The internal turmoil of 'what would the readers think?' also hummed in her head.  

But this blog isn't really for the readers, a small bit mouse forgot about along the way.  It's for her...its a diary of her life -- well, the parts no one knows about (or very few).  A breakthrough occurred when he sent a text saying he'd be late for dinner.  There wasn't a familiar pang of jealousy.  

We should back up a little and explain he won't lie to mouse, if he says he's working late -- he is.  Without fail.  If he says he's meeting a friend or colleague  for a drink, he means that too.   If he says nothing except that he's going to be late....it means he can't or doesn't feel free to say why.  

So, mouse replied if she could keep dinner warm for him.  He said yes and added he wouldn't be too late and mouse replied, "have fun."  It was around a minute or so later that he replied simply, "Thank you." 

He came home and smiled warmly at mouse, hugged her, kissing her forehead tenderly and went upstairs to shower.  From mouse there was no rage or upset at all.  While he ate we talked a little about this thing...he was quite cautious about it.  Not wanting to say the wrong thing and start something...But mouse was different about it all  While she still doesn't want to know the intimate details about what he does, she's not worried about it.  Yes, she's met the new girl, and mouse knew instantly why -- at the behest of the pet.  Not that this new pet is everything mouse isn't either.  We're different.  He cares about us both but very differently.  The pet wanted assurances that mouse was ok with all this.  Maybe ok, isn't the right word, but pet wanted to know that he wasn't just saying, 'she's fine' to find out later that mouse was unaware.  

Now, mouse isn't, at this time, moving toward a poly thing -- we still have to be careful -- we don't live in a world where this is accepted.  Then again neither is our Master/slave dynamic well accepted either.  Yes, it's complicated.  This has also stirred feelings in mouse that she can't explain -- it kind of excites mouse in a weird way, which is much better than pissing her off.  

Going back to the beginning and The Eagles...This song screamed to mouse when she heard again recently.  It's not in her iPod so it wasn't a song she thought about.  Still, it spoke to mouse and when she was thinking of posting this song has been rattling in her head.  It's scary to her to admit all this, to put it out there.   The pet might never be mentioned again, because mouse doesn't see it as being part of her relationship with Daddy -- which is the overall theme of this blog.  Still remaining completely silent about the existence of the pet, seems to be wrong to mouse or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's more that mouse feels differently about open relationships than she has stated in the past.  Surrendering, growing, and evolving.  That fits very well into the theme of this blog.

This will also likely be the last post for a while as we're leaving soon for the summer and there is still so much to be done before we leave in a couple weeks. But we do have a few Newbie Tuesday posts scheduled and comments will be open -- it will just take a while to be published.   

"I Can't Tell You Why"

Look at us baby, up all night 
Tearing our love apart 
Aren't we the same two people who live 
through years in the dark? 

Every time I try to walk away 
Something makes me turn around and stay 
And I can't tell you why 

When we get crazy, 
it just ain't to right, 
(try to keep you head, little girl) 
Girl, I get lonely, too 
You don't have to worry 
Just hold on tight 
(don't get caught in your little world) 
'Cause I love you 

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see 
We make it harder than it has to be 
and I can't tell you why 

no, baby, I can't tell you why 
I can't tell you why 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Tangled Up

"Sssh baby." Daddy softly held mouse close to him. We spent a few hours with mouse held tight with rope, as she floated far from him and remained fairly unaware of all he'd done. His own unique brand of sexual torture. He left mouse completely debased -- where at one point she freely humped his leg until she orgasmed as he watched. He loves the slut and she excites him. He loves to torment her.

After, he pulled mouse close and waited for her come back to earth. Holding her planting soft kisses on her -- tellling her it was okay to cry. Soon, as seems her normal routine she dropped to her knees and began sucking him. Now, mouse cannot be sure why she feels this overwhelming urge to do this after intense play. Daddy knows and feels its innate urge and one he indulges carefully.

Carefully, because he knows mouse isn't mouse yet. Daddy pulls her into his lap again. He listens to the secrets she spills. Eventually he encourages her to sleep and she does, sleeping as much as 10 hours. When she wakes she feels much more like mouse again -- except not quite all there. Simple tasks vex her, Daddy watches her carefully. Sometimes she cries. He holds her reminding her it's ok. The shear emotions begin to slowly ebb away and she feels beautiful and loved.

"Sssh baby." Daddy whispers....

Monday, May 25, 2015

Dare to Leap

Six years ago, mouse took a leap and landed in Daddy's arms. Each day has been amazing since. Wouldn't trade the bad times, since they seem to add flavor to the good times.

Thank you Daddy!

Friday, May 22, 2015

You Save her Little Soul

Yes, mouse was punished this week but as punishment it was decided that mouse should sit quietly and ponder her errors. Daddy worked and mouse sat considering what she had done wrong. Of course she knew where she veered off course.

We'd been busy a lot this week, as a result many of mouse's household tasks were neglected. Arrogantly she thought she could deal with them the next day, but when the next day proved equally difficult they again were pushed back. What mouse should have done was asked for help, guidance or whatever. Instead mouse decided not to.

Tearfully, mouse begged forgiveness. Daddy told her to wash her face and go to bed. This morning, he told her to put off writing until all the missed chores were completed. Now, this meant doing the same task numerous times, like since she missed two days of vacuuming she had to vacuum the house twice. It took a long time to complete it all.

In the end, it felt good. Not only was everything completed now, but it's all rather shiny. Lesson learned, trust Daddy if things get overwhelming and try harder to not fall behind.