Sometimes a question is so interesting it deserves a post for an answer.
The other day Vesta wrote in response to this post:
mouse: May I ask, did you feel at all comforted? Did not being able to speak morph into anything more than frustration and punishment?
Did you have any transformative thoughts? That's quite a long time to spend with just the workings of your mind (save when you asked permission to talk) and I am wondering if, in fact, it had a sort of healing/calming quality to it.
Wow and that is one big question! When I wrote the post I was just thinking about getting through what happened, working through those feelings but it was after it was up, and I started thinking more about it I started to think about how it felt. First, to know me I'm really talkative. So not talking really kinda agitated me. But as time passed especially when he wouldn't acknowledge my hand raising, I was left with my thoughts. Once I got passed all the anger and pissy feelings I was having I started to think about the why. Why he did was punishing me and why this?
It struck me that he was doing it because he expected more from me than I was giving, more than I thought maybe I was capable of. I knew I was wrong, but I didn't really wrap my head around how wrong I was and how hurt he was by the whole thing until he took away my voice. Certainly I could have talked, but that would have been breaking his rule and I didn't want that. I wanted him to be proud of me and it was hurting badly knowing that he wasn't.
I had a long time to think about my life and all the changes I've been through and how despite or because of it all I'm better with him than I ever was without him. The realization that I was so deeply special to him and I had hurt him very badly with that simple betrayal, hit me and I felt the world crumble. I crumbled and wanted so badly just make it right. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling in that moment, how I understood and how, naturally sorry I was. I couldn't though because he wouldn't allow it, he wouldn't let me talk. It really deepened my submission though, because there was no angry in his eyes, or frustration, I just the care that's always been there. Even when he's frustrated its there. Even when I frustrate him.
I stopped asking to talk and just listened, to his tone, the sound of his voice, and closed my eyes, thinking I never wanted to be without him. Maybe my other senses were heightened a little bit because I noticed more things about him than maybe I hadn't before. Maybe all the talking and chatter distracted me from seeing him? I mean I see him all the time, I've seen him for years, I know his character, and I know him...but this was different. I paid attention and realized I had somewhere along the way I had stopped. Maybe I took him for granted a bit, but whatever the reason I stopped seeing him.
When it was over, I thanked him and I meant it.
Thanks for asking this question vesta. This was actually something Master and I hadn't talked about. We had talked about the punishment in general, the scene, but we never really discussed my feelings about being left silent.
Today is Thanksgiving and so for my Thankful Thursday Holiday Edition I will start by saying I'm thankful that Christmas isn't closer. Don't get me wrong, I know it's breathing down my neck, but not yet. And, yes I'm aware that in just one month from today it will be over!
I am also thankful for Family. I am thankful that Omega has put himself in charge of cooking the Turkey. Yes, I'm thankful Omega enjoys cooking. I am thankful for all my friends as they are my extended family (my only family, and that includes everyone I know on line as well).
I'm thankful that my (new) nephew is safe today even though he's in Afghanistan and I'm thankful he called his parents and wife to wish them a happy Thanksgiving. I know they wish he was here but everyone is thankful that for today, he is safe.
I'm thankful that tomorrow instead of shopping I'll be decorating instead my house for my first real Christmas in a long time. Its not complete but it's all good.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I kinda overslept this morning....um like totally. By the time I got up, it was nearly time to wake O. The bed was soooo warm and I dunno it just felt so nice.
I wish I had something thrilling to share with everyone but I really don't. Kinda a boring day yesterday. Today will be busier and tomorrow, hell.
Let's just cut this short and say I'll see everyone tomorrow!
It's Monday and weekend wrap-up time. As I wrote on Friday's blog, I was on restriction all weekend and I'll say it sucked. Rightfully so, Omega was angry with me and his punishment was clever, I was NOT allowed to speak without first raising my hand. Ya. Naturally this didn't apply if the house was on fire, but since the house didn't catch fire, he rarely gave me permission to speak.
I had to be still, do my duties and not complain. Saturday night, he took me into the basement. Master strapped me to the gyno table and informed me that I was going to suffer a lot over the next couple hours and I should just accept it. I wasn't able to slip away mentally to subspace, because he continued to change the degrees of torture. In other words, he wanted me fully present, while he tortured and abused my body. The violet wand, with the internal probes appeared, various crops, floggers and whips were used on the most tender of areas. Eventually at least mentally I was allowed to drift, while being fisted by him, and he allowed it. I don't remember much of details after that. My muscles ached from being stretched open, and when finally released from the bonds, I couldn't walk for a while. Master had to help me put on my robe, and then up the stairs, where we waited there I have no idea how long.
I was far away from him for that time, floating and lost in a subspace world. My brain didn't panic because I guess I knew he was close by to me, but I was feeling very anxious. Once upstairs on the sofa, I was laying with my head in his lap, smelling him. He covered me with a blanket and my lips instinctively found his member, which I know I sucked like a pacifier. I could have stayed that way all night, but eventually I felt him start to move me and himself. Dunno what time it was, or how long I'd been there, but I was plenty foggy. He brought me upstairs and helped me on with nightgown he wanted me to wear, and watched me carefully go through each of my bedtime rituals including meditation, which was sooo blissfully easy even with the clamps, after what I'd been through. I repeated my mantra, all the while he watched me. When I moved my body into the offering position as I repeated my mantra, he lifted my nightgown and looked at my bottom. I became vaguely aware of him pressing himself against me, while I just continued to repeat my mantra about serving Master well--it was as though I didn't comprehend what he was doing. With my mind miles from where my body was I felt myself release, then quickly orgasmed again! I was trembling as he brought me to orgasm after orgasm, before he had finally finished himself. My whole body now ached, almost in constant spasm, even the orgasms seemed painful to me.
I heard his voice telling me to clean him off, which I know I did, but again don't remember any details. By that time I was exhausted and felt completely debased. I woke in the morning with myself wrapped around his body, and the tip of Him resting in my mouth. I think I'd been sucking all night like a pacifier. My head remained foggy all day Sunday, and I was very emotional. VERY emotional! Any criticism from him felt as though he were setting me free, and I would freak out. He overlooked that as being part of sub-drop, but I wasn't so certain. He would look at me as I did my jobs he assigned me, and watched my eyes. He made sure I had plenty of water to drink, as well as healthy proteins. Sunlight seemed to hurt my eyes, so I think they were still dilated.
It wasn't until much later on Sunday that he explained, correction and punishment, and what I had done to hurt us. It wasn't him I was hurting, it was hurting the us in our relationship. I cried, of course, and begged forgiveness. And of course he accepted it.
Monday morning promises to be more normal. Coffee is nearly ready, and I need to wake up Master soon. I have to say this morning I feel no tears, or anything bad brimming to the surface. Yes, my physical body feels exhausted, and it hurts to do just about anything including sit or move. I doubt I'll have any chance to nap either. If I had to put words to what I am mentally feeling right now, they would be, "loved" and "deeply submissive."
I struggle with this on a daily basis and for the life of me do not understand why it's such an issue. Master has given me guidelines to follow and you know for the most part they're easy! But there's one that's really hard for me it seems. It's the mind your own business one. Time and time again I snagged by this; I put my foot in it each time. Each time, Omega has punished me with a warning that next time the punishment will be harsher.
I accept it, but it's not helping me change. To me, its like a train wreck I just can't turn away from. I can't say to someone, no I don't want to know. Instead I say of course I want to know. Tell me! And, with bated breath I listen and savor whatever gossip the person has to share. I could simply blame society and say it's their fault with the constant preoccupation with celebrity, but that's just not true. I guess the difference between news, and personal life, is a camera, but I don't want to believe that.
I struggle with this, and say yes when I should say no. Doing the right thing is never easy. We all want the nasty bits, it's why we blog and why we read blogs. The dirt, the angst, the little voyeuristic pieces we glob onto and whisper or forward. Omega hates it, and despises often that I participate. He's tried many ways of getting through to me, to demonstrate the nature and character he wants me to display and I sometimes just let him down.
Someone told me something that Master had told them in confidence, and I knew I shouldn't be listening, and that if he wanted me to know, I would be told it by him. I couldn't stop myself from that little bit of gossip. I couldn't hold myself back and say no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. Truth is, deep down, I did want to know and was more than a little pissed that it seemed to me again I'd been left out of the loop.
In the cold morning light none of that matters. All my ideas and self validations fell flat with the truth and even when presented with a choice, I chose wrong -- I chose easy over right. I didn't tell Master about knowing it, but instead he found out another way, when it was casually mentioned to him by that other person. Master was furious and rightfully so because I knew better, the other person made a mistake by telling, but I made a bigger one by listening. I willfully broke a rule.
I disappointed him.
**At first Omega wasn't sure if I should continue blogging but after coffee this morning decided my blog wasn't the problem--So I'm fairly certain I'll be back****
This is easy, first I'm most thankful that Thanksgiving is next week and not this week! I'm thankful I have almost everything ready for the day. I'm thankful also to my friends and new family. I'm thankful for holiday movies like White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. I'm thankful that no snow has stuck to the ground yet.
I'm thankful for my neighbors including the "egg lady" even though she doesn't believe eggs should ever be refrigerated.
I'm thankful I was able to solve a big problem at work and help a friend during a difficult time. I'm exceptionally thankful my house wasn't damaged during the last windstorm.
I believe in karma and thankful that good things are possible even when the universe seems wrong -- it does eventually right itself.
I'm thankful I found my reading glasses last night. Even blonde moments can be riddled with fun and surprises.
I am thankful for Master because he makes everything better.
I got hideously busy this morning and completely forgot to blog. My problem is that I don't know what to blog about.
My head's been stuck in this Thanksgiving mode, and I've been working out all the little details. I've also had a splitting headache this afternoon. I have a friend in crisis who I'm meeting later for kinda dinner to discuss her problems.
other than all that I'm just doing all the regular stuff, cleaning and climbing mount laundry.
Sorry this is so short ...
