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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Swallow Your Pride

There's so much more that mouse realizes about herself as she's been moving forward with Master. The times where she was arrogant, or stubborn assuming that she could just do something or another when she probably should have just asked. Last Monday we dressed up and went to Master's brother's home for the first Seder. Naturally mouse offered to help with the final preparations of the meal, which amounted to helping get the various dishes into serving dishes and to the table. It was a nice, albeit, long evening and mouse felt a little tipsy by the end of the meal.

After returning home, Master decided to play with mouse a little, binding her arms behind her and slapping visible body parts for his pleasure.  After a nice long fuck, he undid the binds and walked mouse through the slave positions he wondered if she remembered from last year. How she should stand, sit, and present herself to Master for use. He asked how her meditations were going and wondered if mouse was still feeling that comfortable place. He also spoke of his expectations and how mouse has made efforts to be more mindful.

The rest of the week continued on as it should. Not too much time for play, although Master did take little opportunities to make his slave suffer. Thursday evening after punishing mouse for the demerits he said that overall he's pleased with how much more compliant his slave has been lately. He asked about the mindfulness and decided that we're onto something that his slave functions better when she feels chained to him. Mentally she's at a place where the 'rattle of chains' plays in her mind, sometimes sounds a bit like bells ringing but other times it sounds heavier with a deep clang. Daily now, she mentally thanks Master for everything and feels so very fortunate to belong to him.  

The weekend was another busy one with family activities and trying to avoid the 900 pound easter bunny in the room -- which is a holiday mouse has never liked to celebrate. Sunday we stayed home, with Master taking advantage to do some needed projects around the home, and put mouse to work in his study going through some of the books stored there. There used to more than a few shelves that went for children's books, but now that they're older Master felt it might be nice to get those books out and rearrange the shelves a little. Some shelves were quite filled so it was rather easy to move things around.  Some books were weeded out completely and put into a donation box for charity.

There are two or three books Master wants mouse to carefully look at and decide once and for all if she wants to keep them or if they can be donated (all having to do with home organization). No harm or foul if she decides to donate them, yet there was a pang of failure, which Master dismissed.

Meditation was elusive to mouse, almost always so, but has become easier, then a few days ago with mouse in the right mindset, it happened. For twenty minutes, mouse was completely unaware of the passage of time.  There wasn't any sound, fleeting thoughts, just being in those moments. For hours later mouse marveled about how she did it and honestly couldn't wait to try it again. It was like finally unlocking a door but only entering briefly and then later having this desire to return.  The next day when she had some quiet moments she tried again and was again successful -- we can say that she's on to something here.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Feeling Adrift

While away Master arranged for our housekeeper to begin the process to ready the house for Passover, which is at least to mouse a horrible process of cleaning from top to bottom removing every speck of dust and possible crumb from every carpet fiber in the house using only a candle for light and a pair of tweezers. Ok, that last bit was bit of hyperbole, but you probably get the idea that it's an intense process. 

It isn't easy this year for any of us. Especially for Master (and our whole family), so that's why mouse is going the extra mile even though we aren't hosting, but it's hard since mouse isn't Jewish and wasn't raised with this idea. Now more than any year, mouse feels adrift and wishing she'd kept notes on what to do and when. it's the realization how heavily she relied on her mother-in-law for guidance.

As though he saw mouse breaking down, Master stopped the obsessing mouse was doing and told her to relax. He even sent her to bed early one night. He said we'll get there slowly. Just like that mouse felt him pull her back to where he is. He said he should have asked one of his sister in laws to send over a guid of sorts but really that was mouse's fault (although he didn't blame her). There was this arrogance she felt that she could just do this. It'll be easy she thought -- she's done it before, but that was always with the guidance of his mother and never fully on her own. Sure there are resources like books and youtube videos, but getting advice from someone who's done it many time is different. There are plenty of videos but few go into any meaningful detail. Most focus on the spiritual connection they feel with the holiday, which isn't wrong except that mouse needs details.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Why Slavery?

After we returned, exhausted from our time away, a comment left by Ava was published by Master. He also was a teeny bit curious as to how mouse would reply. This week was a busy one with Passover preparations and shabbat tonight, so this is a rare scheduled ahead post that mouse has worked on throughout the week in what can only be described as stolen moments.  

The first thing mouse would like to say is thank you for writing such thoughtful questions, although mouse would never think herself a "spiritual" person in the sense that she holds no belief in any deity, except maybe for Master and certainly, to her, He's at least more worthy of worship than any invisible being. That might be the spiritual component you mentioned in the comment. Not really sure if slavery chose mouse because she's never sure if she really chose to be a slave. Alpha saw the deep submissiveness and eagerness to please and it all began from there. One thing she does know that without guidance mouse was terrible at directing her own life. Either she wouldn't act on something when she should or just as often made the mistake of jumping in without a lot of thought.  In fact, mouse wrote about this in 2013.

In that post so long ago mouse described the first time we visited Master's accountant to have our taxes done after we married, "Finances were never something mouse spent time organizing...Our first meeting at tax time with his accountant (mouse prepared her taxes herself using a program and she'll admit guesswork), was horrifying. He came with files. Organized and expenses drawn out neatly and mouse showed up (do we need to mention late) with a shoe box of receipts (and other tax papers), just tossed in without explanation, although mouse felt most were self-explanatory." 

Looking back on that today, mouse seems to recall he had a spreadsheet with his monthly deductions and expenses all neatly organized. He was horrified when they came to mouse's "turn" and she had all her paperwork in a shoe box, she nearly left in the car! In retrospect, mouse was embarrassed by it too. If she were smart enough to buy a house, she should have been smart enough to at the very least get a pink file folder to put her tax things in and organize them just a little bit. To contrast now, all tax related documents Master tracks and keeps organized. All mail, except for obvious junk (catalogs, penny savers) is left on his desk, and he alone goes through it. If mouse does give money to any charity (sometimes children come to the door collecting for this or that), regardless of how little, she leaves him a note on his desk. With the exception of reporting him, mouse has been excused from the tax loop. There are other examples of wasteful or just poor planning on mouse's part, but she's sure you might get the idea.

Can't really say if mouse were selfish or selfless as a person, probably like most people a mixture of both, but mouse did prefer, after the first Master/slave dynamic ended, to keep her control to herself. That's probably why despite what she said was the biggest reason for not going to Omega after Alpha's death, as was likely the intended outcome. Instead mouse went her own way and in many ways doesn't regret that because she's not sure she was ready for Omega. Yet, in the early years with Alpha and certainly more so with Omega, mouse has found a joy in service that she finds difficult putting into any words that make sense. There is a great feeling of joy she gets from pleasing her Master and feeling His control.

Maybe if BDSM were a highway, slavery might be the final stop? Still, it isn't for everyone and most are probably more comfortable from one other stops along the way. This doesn't make Master or mouse better than anyone else. Happiness is personal to the individual. On a personal level it's highly doubtful that either of us could be happy in a strictly D/s or other similar dynamics. It is not so much about abandoning your "life" but giving up your "self" and your "ego" to another. It also is not that mouse is "less than" but celebrates how she is different from Him. Master views mouse as valued possession who exists for His pleasure (not only sexual). There is a huge amount of freedom in this. Freedom from worry, because it's not for her to decide what to worry about, freedom from decisions from everything to what to wear, to if anything horrible should befall Master and what mouse would do then. He's laid it all out in advance and has given mouse a clear path to follow. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I Can See Clearly Now

The weather improved slightly from the oddness of the past winter. Yet, it's still rainy but at least the sign of spring are appearing and it's brightened mouse's mood. Weeks and weeks of endless gloomy weather left mouse despite feeling great about everything else, it just becomes very weary. In other news mouse's chauffeur company is back in action and she's finding it difficult to juggle all the family comings and goings.

All this led to mouse to make an odd request of Master, she asked if we could purchase a slow cooker, which sounds funny probably to some that we don't already have one, but it's something that mouse never thought much about. He said he'd consider it, but also said that he found them useless devices that take up counter space.  When mouse mentioned recipes she's been finding lately, he simply countered that as a competent home cook, mouse should be able to figure her way around that and often the ingredients used are often suspect. He despises things that come in a can or packet, no matter how good the outcome is professed to be, he can always tell the difference.

In the end, Master decided that it would become just another thing used in the beginning and tossed aside. He could be right about that, all that could be said is that mouse made her case, and it was rejected by him. A simple thing, and yet, not; because it left mouse feeling slightly irritated by his dismissal. It's not like she goes around asking for a lot -- it seemed like a simple request that he should have just rubber-stamped and slid it into the OK bin.

So, mouse sat with that feeling for a day or so, and discovered it really wasn't about making her life easier, but really about the idea of making her life easier.  As if this gadget would solve her driving around dropping and picking up, then rushing to cook a hot meal -- and the bigger question seemed to be that if such a thing would lead to her becoming more inventive with her meal planning? Sure, chicken legs or quarters tossed with some spices and thrown into the oven -- the larger question is what would she make differently?

All the mental gymnastics mouse was doing to justify her need, when all she was doing making excuses for her poor planning.

The simple fact is mouse is bored with cooking and tired of trying to think of new recipes to try within the time restraints, equally tired of dietary restrictions. Master can't eat this or that, kids don't like this or that -- it leads to very dull meals punctuated by maybe one decent meal a week. In preparing that decent meal mouse takes a lot of thought and effort and puts into a wonderful meal. It shows too. It's also not like she doesn't have the resources either, she's got a wall of cookbooks -- maybe it's time that she started reading them?

Wow, what a concept. 

Monday, April 3, 2017


Saturday morning, bright and early we departed with a thermos of coffee and car filled with animals and kids, for a week at the lake. Yes, the trip was painful for mouse, as Master smirked noting her discomfort. He didn't allow a plug to be worn until we arrived, so mouse also had that empty feeling. Even her nipples were still bruised, but he had already inserted the nipple rings which accentuated the pain. All this made mouse exceptionally quiet and rather lost in her own thoughts of the pleasure of the orgasms she'd had just a couple days earlier. Even if she had little active memory of them. Master intimated it would be a while before she'd be allowed to cum again but somehow it didn't bother mouse.

The drive had felt longer than mouse recalled, but that was probably more due to her own discomfort than anything else. Even the seatbelt slowly tortured one of her nipples, as mouse stared ahead at the road, only coming back to the reality of the drive when the children spoke. We made, several stops, for the bathroom and food, but those were short and again Master smirked watching mouse's discomfort. At one point he even whispered that he was hard thinking about the way she must be suffering, which made mouse blush and sharply inhale. The idea rather excited her also but found that difficult to put into words.

We stopped in the late afternoon at an area motel that's clean and pet friendly, partially unloading the vehicle. Master suggested that mouse take a bath, while he took the kids out (we can't really leave the animals alone in the room anyway) after taking the watch dog for a quick walk to the dog potty area. We had two adjoining rooms, so Master and mouse might get some privacy.

After her bath, mouse did feel a little less achy, slipping into her bathrobe, waiting for Master to return with the kids. He returned with some food for mouse, a burger with a side salad and watched while mouse ate. In the other room the kids were noisily arguing over the TV and Master poked his head into the room to tell them to settle down or he'd pick the show.

They were wound up from sitting so long, but after a while they all settled and fell asleep. Master checked mouse's welts and toyed with her still sore nipples, causing her to twitch and whimper softly, which was like music he said. In the morning his cell phone rang early to confirm delivery of the beds we'd ordered and he roused everyone, including mouse to hurry. He went out to get coffee while mouse focused on the kids and animals. Sooner than she'd like, we were again on the road making good time to the lake.

The bedroom stuff arrived a couple hours after we arrived, and the men set to work setting it all up, while mouse dragged out the new bedding she purchased. It felt odd being back, yet not. Other furniture arrived the following day -- the lake house remains a bit sparse but comfortable. Looking at the lake mouse did feel that sense of calm and mindfulness but it wasn't any different than the feelings she'd had recently at home. In any event, it was very nice getting everything ready for the summer months and our much longer return then.

The week flew passed, with long walks alone in the evening and together during the day as a family. The evening walks were far more exciting for mouse though she'd have to admit and forgotten how nice it was to be somewhat secluded. The potting shed, Master checked her marks daily and added a few more, but nothing too terrible. Meditating came surprisingly with ease there, of course successful mediation for mouse means that she's only considering three things instead of fifty.

There was traffic in town one day as mouse made her way to the market place area, was quite heavy and usually the drivers weaving in and out would cause mouse to yell or at the very least silently seethe. Not that anyone can hear, unless her window is down, but she'd say them anyway.  Even Master remarked on that the last few times she's driven somewhere with him but that's rare and mouse never thought much about it. Maybe it's more than music on the radio, although she finds that it does play a part in all that. Classical music tens to calm her while the local classic rock station seems to make her feel differently now. Jazz isn't so bad but that station doesn't always comes in well.

It's all these little things that seems have added up to whole lot of other things that mouse hasn't realized. Maybe the whole moving back thing was a good thing, because it made mouse realize that she was so imperfect and her slavery incomplete? Now, it feels differently like a light came on and it hasn't dimmed.

Friday, March 24, 2017

It's Been Such a Long Time

It's really been forever since Master let his Sadist out to play and last night he had something special in mind for mouse. Timing was perfect, days before we departed for the lake, and no kids in the house, which is rare but they wanted their sleep-over time with friends.

After assuring mouse that she hadn't done anything wrong but he felt she needed to suffer. Eyes widened as she listened to his words. This wasn't punishment but for his pleasure. it's been who knows how long since we've even had time, so when he had mouse undress, she did hesitate a little. When the ball gag came out she didn't balk, but didn't exactly open her mouth as quickly as she probably should have. The sting of his hand caught her off guard. His fingers fumbled with the nipple rings, saying they wouldn't be needed for this. Inside her chest, mouse's heart was pounding so fiercely she's convinced he must have heard it. 

Under the window of his study, he's got bookshelf, on top of that he rested a small mirror and had mouse bend over with her chin resting on the shelf and her legs parted wide.  

"Open your eyes and look only at your eyes in your refection," Master said. For a moment mouse's eyes shifted to see his large hand rifling through this drawer and then return to toy with a nipple, causing her to moan briefly and then gasp as she caught a glimpse of the black and silver file clamp biting down on her nipple. Softly mouse began to whimper as Master again instructed her to stare only into her own now terror filled eyes.  

His hand resting on her back, holding her in place as it traveled down to her rear and between her legs, feeling the wetness there and causing mouse to briefly curse herself. To the other breast he attached an alligator clamp which bit shamelessly into her nipple sending sparks of pain and torment. Then he pulled her up and pulled her close to him in an embrace that lasted way too long.  This was huge torment. The crushing sensation of his chest against her nipples pressing into her was too much and again she whimpered. 

He had her lower herself to her knees with some vigor rubbed herself as he commanded her to. The feeling of torment was overpowering, and if she dares to admit it, intoxicating.  

Master had his mouse crawl to the newly positioned chaise lounge there in his study, and slowly fondled squeezing her breasts making her try vainly to pull away and shield herself from the pain. Useless of course, but it didn't stop her from trying. Slowly he removed the alligator clamp and mouse nearly screamed, when the file clamp came off she did into the gag. Large tears that he demanded streaked her face that burned and heavy sobs of mercy were uttered, although they only vaguely resembled words. 

He gave her a minute to catch her breath before positioning her over the chaise, her nipples now dragging against the fabric, which was almost as painful as wearing the clamps as she felt his hand touching her backside and removing the plug. His fingers probed her inside parts and then were quickly replaced with himself. As mouse struggled to keep her senses about her, but felt herself slipping away into the warm embrace of subspace. The rutting continued until he was satisfied and came. When she felt the tap of cane and was told to keep silent, she was again crying for mercy. The first thwack wasn't so terrible but the second and third had her struggling to keep her mind clear, by the fourth and sixth mouse had begun to float away. As always her tears are the only payment he wants for this trip.

Two or maybe three time more she floated back to him only to be returned to the bliss she hasn't felt in such a long time her body falling hard under his spell. He allowed himself to travel too into that Dom-space, where he said later he felt the power of his sadism flowing into mouse and overtaking her.  Hours later, she was wrapped in a blanket and he was watching her -- his voice surrounding her as he read to her from a book.  He remarked that she looked lovely twitching as she continued to drift far from him. The marks he left were deep, the welts angry painful and in some areas the skin broken (he took care of those). When he pulled her close her nipples still had a bite of pain from the bruises left from the horrid clamps and her jaw hurt a little from the gag, but didn't recall it being removed, but could taste him still on her tongue.

Sometimes she wishes she could recall it all in vivid detail. Maybe it will infect her dreams in all its technicolor splendor? When Master at last commanded that she sleep, she drifted off surprisingly fast.

This morning everything aches, not really in that good way, but not in a horrible way either. Now the only thing mouse is concerned about is making that long drive to lake. How will she manage to sit for so long? Master checked her marks and isn't too concerned.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Must Have a Code that You Live By

Children and the "lifestyle" is a question that always comes up. How do you raise kids with Master/slave dynamic?  Children mirror the best and the worst of their parents. We try really hard to make sure that we mirror good behaviors that we'd want them to emulate. For example just because Master is Master doesn't mean that He doesn't say "please" or "thank you" to mouse for passing the potatoes or picking up his dry cleaning. The children automatically picked up on that common courtesy and do it themselves without being prompted, in a very genuine way.  

Yes the kids do see mouse taking off Master's shoes at the end of a long day and mouse has just always explained it this way, "Daddy works very hard so we should be nice to him when he comes home." It's hard walking through the door at the end of day and just shifting gears.  He likes the extra attention and deserves it. When mouse worked, she had an hour or more to decompress before the house was filled with activity. If he sleeps in late, and mouse is up hours before him, it's also just as helpful to not hit him up with the family news of the morning. People who just wake are rarely ready to converse and honestly, it's something that mouse does struggle with at times. 

Yes, we also have had arguments, one recently about a clogged sink. It began with exasperation about it still being clogged, devolved into yelling and ended with him taking the sink apart and fixing it right then. The children saw this and knew we were angry with each other. After Master apologized for letting the sink remain clogged for so long (it had been a couple of months) and mouse apologized for getting so frustrated with him. For kids, seeing parents argue isn't a big deal as long as they see the resolution as well. They saw us admit we were both wrong. 

They don't know, nor do they need to know our sexual predilections. It's doubtful we'd ever share that information. Now, hearing things is different. We do worry that the kids might hear Master spanking or even whipping mouse. Usually such things happen only when we're certain they're asleep. We are blessed with children that are heavy sleepers. They also live in a house where we respect each other's privacy but that doesn't mean that mouse leaves butt plugs out where the kids could find them, or any other toys. They're kept in a box on a shelf in our bedroom. If discovered, the snooping would be evident. In Master's study, the kids know that they're not allowed to play in there anyway, but just in case Master does keep his cabinet locked. Whenever there is doubt Master will take mouse into the garage and carry out a punishment inside the car which no one would hear. Awkward but very effective. At the lake we had a place outside, an old potting shed that was perfect for that activity. 

We like to think our approach is common sense. Master presented mouse with a new journal where she could use it to write her thoughts, but after a brief discussion we decided it might be better to use it to handle schedules and daily todo type things rather than intimate thoughts. Even after her death, mouse isn't sure that she'd want the children to stumble across this blog. Even if it were still active, and purely by accident. The only thing they need to know is that their parents love each other very much and that's really about it.  

As far as slave verses vanilla world, we really don't do anything terribly different than anyone else does. Yes, mouse tries to keep to third person speak much of the time, but there are times where she must use pronouns and just does so, but tries to limit their uses.  Yes, mouse serves Master, but it's never anything very obvious. Coffee, he likes a drop of cream on weekends, his daily coffee is just black, so mouse adds it and stirs it for him.  He orders for mouse, but it's always natural sounding when he does it.  At someone else's home, mouse always tries to be useful to the hostess or host, if seating is tight, she will gladly give up a seat for someone else and sit on the floor close to Master.  Again, under those circumstances it looks perfectly reasonable to the outsider.  

There are small things he might require of mouse that could be construed as "off" but usually those are places we don't frequent on any regular basis.  He might order a large plate of food, and feed mouse from his plate, requiring that she not speak or make eye contact and keep her hands on the table, resting.  It might just provide an odd "work story," for the person serving to regale their friends later but unlikely to be much more.  Master is a gentleman and that comes across in his personal style.  He opens doors for ladies, rises when whenever mouse stands or leaves the table (unless she's serving then it would be inappropriate to do to so). It usually has an odd effect on the women and men around him that's almost funny to watch. Often mouse will joke, once the show became popular that he's very Downton Abbey in his manners. Yet, it's simply just who he is. It's also why being around him can be very confusing for women in particular who aren't used to that type of treatment. He doesn't treat mouse like she's less than himself, but rather as something worthy of his attention and protection. Protection might be too strong a word, but for now mouse lacks the refined vocabulary to think of a better word.

That's probably another thing, Master doesn't want to be "mothered" by mouse, so she doesn't place food on his plate for him (well, sometimes for breakfast because it's just easier). Helpful reminders, properly phrased, are always welcomed but not nagging. Special thanks to Downunder Dom for suggesting that mouse revisit this topic with her new perspective on her slavery and place in Master's life.  A final thought, mouse did consult with Master before writing this up to be completely certain that she was being accurate and fair in the way she continues to view our life together. Master added that nothing would be changing in the future in that regard. He values his privacy and wouldn't relish being outed or portrayed in a way that is contrary to how he actually is.