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Friday, January 13, 2017

Sitting on a Cornflake

Yes, it's Friday the 13th and mouse is determined that it will be a good day anyway.

On Wednesday's post mouse wrote about her brattiness toward Sir.  Doing her chores that morning was difficult, her focus wasn't what it should be.  Instead her mind kept circling back to her punishment the night before.  It bothered her that she was behaving like a passive aggressive child. Use your fucking words mouse!  

Things were still frosty with Sir when he got home that evening, late, and didn't remark at all about dinner being dry.  When mouse sat beside him and attempted to make some small talk, he glared at the chair, as if to say, "did I offer you permission to sit?"  Quietly mouse just got up, finished loading the dishwasher, did tell him some information he did need to know but let everything else go.  Once the house was quiet, mouse did pass by his study and heard the tapping on the keyboard, but didn't disturb him.  

Finally at bedtime mouse did apologize to him, a heartfelt apology.  Sir said he accepted it, but said nothing else. 

Thursday morning he again refused his morning oral, but did have mouse kneel in the shower and he relieved himself on her.  Then he had her wait, feeling dirty while he showered, and had her shower after him.  After scrubbing herself clean and wrapping herself up in a damp towel, mouse saw he left clothing out for her. it was the dress she'd worn last year when we escaped to the lake house.  Not exactly a winter get up though. Still mouse zipped up the snug fitting dress and hurried downstairs to begin breakfast.  

Moving through her chores, mouse worried about that evening.  How bad was it going to be?  The previous week, he'd let mouse off with a warning and probably realized that was a huge mistake.  

Sir needs her and she let him down.  

Finally the time arrived and mouse was told to undress and soon she was bent over the desk, and the punishment was being carried out, not really on her bottom but the surrounded thigh area.  The dam broke and mouse was sobbing, full of remorse.  After he had her stand in the corner and after that he had her write lines.

mouse will learn something from her errors and mistakes or face a more harsh consequence.

100 times, which took a while for her to complete.  Then once all that was done, he gathered her into his arms and held her very close to him.  He said to mouse that he didn't want to go with a more harsh punishment but he would if mouse required it of him.

Even though mouse did a huge thing in moving back home, and it did lessen his stress, it was only because he didn't have to worry about us being so far from him.  If something else went wrong...What if mouse had an accident?  It didn't take away all his stress or misery.  Nor did absolve mouse forever from further wrong doing.

What was the Christmas movie about the kid who wanted a BB gun?  There was a scene where he had to write a theme about what he wanted for Christmas.  He was sure his teacher would find it so incredible he'd be excused from theme writing for rest of the school year.  There was part of mouse that kinda expected to be given a pass.  Forever?

No, ok, maybe...but logically, no...

Jz was right balancing logic and emotions is for the birds.

Sir is right,  there's no flip that can just be flipped to reengage our dynamic.  He did say that he will try harder, with a wink, to keep mouse in line.  No...he doesn't have to do that.  He doesn't' have to do anymore than he's been doing.  He's got enough, this is for mouse to step up, get her head out of her ass and just deal with it.  Stop the sarcasm. Stop the passive aggression...

If only it were that simple.  However this morning, before she blogged mouse did something she's not done in forever...she meditated.  It didn't work right, or the way it should, but did seem to calm her down, so we'll count that as a win.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Keepers of the Gloom

Yes, mouse has been a gloomy girl lately and it's no wonder at all, since life feels disjointed. Sir has reminded mouse more than once this isn't a permanent thing, but rather temporary.  It just doesn't help her soulful mood at times.  It's equally difficult to not want to become the yappy dog demanding attention. Why is it that the squeaky wheel gets the grease?  Because it squeaks and has become annoying.  

Not at all sure or certain what mouse thought moving back would change...

The thing is that she doesn't want to be this needy girl wanting his attention. 

Last night mouse threw a hissy fit and it was directed more or less at Sir -- and it wasn't his fault in the least.  Dinner was ready and he was late, and it happens more often than not lately.  He made an innocent comment that the chicken was a little dry, and mouse lost it.  "Well, it wouldn't have been dry had you come home when you said." Now it could be noted that mouse is sensitive about her cooking and feels incredibly vulnerable for some reason that she can't quite put into words.  

He said nothing in reply but continued eating his meal.  That made mouse feel worse (as if that's even possible).  

It's not like she didn't know where he was, or why he was late getting home -- he was doing what he does each evening, he was at the hospital siting beside the bed of a loved one.  It's just that she craves the predictable life we once shared.  

It's also hard at times for mouse to just say she's sorry.  Yes, when she really screws up, then it's easy to say she's sorry but over things like this, it's painfully difficult to just say, "sorry Master." to him.  

Later that evening Sir said it was time for bed, and when mouse didn't immediately switch the television off, he raised his voice slightly and said in a cold tone, "Now." Still mouse lingered downstairs, pretending to check to see the dishwasher was loaded (we run it at bedtime), which it was and the kitchen was tidy.  Paused by the laundry room to make sure the washer was ready for the morning load...finally making her way to the bedroom.

Sir was waiting, seated on the chaise lounge and looking at mouse.

"Undress.  Over my knee." he said in almost a matter of fact tone.  His belt was in his hand, doubled.  No warming up, just ten hard whacks that left mouse breathless and stubborn.

Then followed by another five, and another until mouse broke and cried for mercy, but he continued for another five.

"How does it feel?"

Slipping to the floor mouse knelt at his feet, but didn't know what to say, just looked up at him and slightly gave her head a slight shake of uncertainty.

Physically it hurt, mentally it felt good...but not...

"Go wash your face and brush your teeth."

He followed mouse into the bathroom, brushed his teeth and watched mouse do her bedtime routine. When he found her kneeling beside the bed when he came out, he commented, "good girl." Then he called her to enter it and we spoke a little about the punishment and how he believed it couldn't wait.  Sir wanted to know if mouse understood why.  Now, for some reason mouse can't begin to fathom she made a crack about the chicken being dry.

Oh dear.  Sometimes mouse understands that he's under a lot of stress right now, but her mouth doesn't seem to get it.  Maybe it's just that she feels terrible and wants him to feel bad too?  Of course she forgets he already feels bad.  He sat up in bed and pulled mouse over his knee again, which was awkward, and gave her bottom several slaps.  Again refusing for some ungodly reason to just give up, mouse just remained motionless.  Why was she pushing him this hard???

Still cannot explain it.

He moved mouse aside, disappeared for several minutes and returned.  He told mouse to bend over the bed so that her head and arms were on the floor but her legs and rear were over the side and on the bed.  Holding herself up with her arms, she felt the cane and then she couldn't make sound but tears were welling faster than the welts could rise.  Then he tossed the cane on the floor and mouse slid awkwardly off the bed.  Sir handed her a blanket.

Sir rolled over, and heard mouse's sniffles and whimpers but harshly said something like if she couldn't shut up go sleep elsewhere.

"Sorry Sir."

Too late he was either asleep or ignoring her.

Guilty as charged for being a brat.

If Sir is still angry this morning he didn't really show it.  He did refuse his morning oral, but he also overslept a little (so did mouse).  It's not often that mouse behaves so poorly.  This was terrible.

Anytime she sits now she's reminded of her mouth...and how she doesn't need to express each and every thought the moment she has it.  The whole point of moving back was to help diminish his stresses not make them worse or add to them.  It's just terrible and her own behavior isn't helping at all.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Carry the World Upon Your Shoulders

The weekend seems to fly by, but today is weird bonus day due to nasty weather.  Sir went into the office for a while but was home early and later asked that mouse blog a little and provided a topic, what slavery means to mouse.  

So after sitting for a long time pondering the question (in between other things), mouse came up with this....

It's whatever Sir decides it is and it's not about what mouse wants really.  Of course this has been said many times before this point, and it wasn't like mouse was just simply paying a bit of lip service to Sir. Yet as mouse considered it, really pondered it, she began to realize how heavy those words must feel to Sir.  He decides.  It's all really on him. Everything all the time, he's driving the bus.

Yet, he wants it this way, at least 99% of the time, the hard part is knowing when he doesn't or might need support or just be allowed to let go of something.  That's why mouse often takes cues from him about what's expected of her.  It's why she took some control back and moved the house.   It's why she waits before dressing to see if Sir has a preference and then if he doesn't, mouse picks something that totally falls within what he'd want anyway.

But what does slavery mean to mouse?  Guess the answer that keeps circling is it doesn't mean a thing -- it's actually about him and what he wants, what he needs and he gets to define the term anyway he wishes.  It can change, day to day, week to week or year to year...It's for mouse to adapt and bend to his wish.  It's not so one-sided that mouse's needs aren't met, because they are.  Yin/yang, and all that.  His control, and mouse's need to be controlled fits together nicely. Like puzzle pieces fitting together.  They have to slide easily into place and can't be forced, otherwise the picture doesn't come out.

It doesn't matter what the picture is of, if you just try to ram in pieces it won't come out but when you take the time and look at each carefully, you find they do fit together.  

Friday, January 6, 2017

Thoughts Meander Like a Restless Wind

Here we are again, sipping coffee and pondering, always pondering the endless thoughts that circle the mind.  For right now calling him Sir feels better than Daddy.  Can't really explain why, except that it's a little more formal which is probably mouse needs as she readjusts to being his slave-wife again.  

Life is really give and take, sometimes you take a little more than you give, but later you might give more, so there's a sense of balance to it all.  It's not that mouse stopped being his slave, she didn't, but it seems he was unable to dominate her the way he was used to.  Not that it mattered at all to mouse, but coupled with the distance it was beyond simply difficult.

How far could we bend before we break?  When mouse on the spur-of-the-moment decided to pack up and move Sir was pleased his girl was so stubborn.  He's said that more than once.  Still it's been difficult and stressful but somehow we're managing and trying to get back to where were before.  Yet things feel so different.  Almost foreign, in a way like mouse is on sojourn or just visiting.

Last night Sir summoned mouse to the totally familiar study to discuss demerits.  There weren't many, in fact mouse pointed out one, somewhat significant, he'd missed.  He leaned back in his chair and pondered that for a moment or three, and then decided to forgo punishment this week.  Obviously he's not ready he explained.  He had hoped it was switch being flipped into the "on" position but its not that simple.  Life isn't like that.  Sir did want mouse to look over again her expectations and he did also, there's effort being made and he was careful to point out that mouse hadn't done anything wrong -- this is just him for now.

Sir was very reassuring -- he said that right now he's lost in his own head still feeling his energies are still much divided and admitted he wasn't sure how long that would last. It's too soon to start discussing future things since we're stuck with still dealing with the past and present.  Instead he led mouse into the family room, and we cuddled on the sofa and watched a movie.  Then he whispered into mouse's ear that he needed her to suffer maybe just a little bit.  Of course, hearing that mouse's pulse began to race and he reached his fingers between her legs rubbing the soft moist areas, while saying for her to keep her hands behind her neck and fingers laced.

He edged mouse slowly and just when she was ready to explode he stopped, resumed the movie, and directed mouse to suck him.  After she swallowed his seed, he whispered that it will be a while before she's allowed to orgasm again. Generally he doesn't care if it happens or not, it's not important, as his slave, that mouse feel sexually gratified -- unless he wants her to feel that way.  Honestly it's already been months...Summer probably.  Really mouse can't recall the last time.  It's not been on her mind though either or really his -- only recently did we return to his morning oral.

There's something in not being allowed to orgasm that fills mouse head with thoughts of sex.  Why is that?  It's like "You can't" therefore you cannot stop thinking about it.  It also does odd things to mouse -- tends to make her softer and more submissive or compliant or bendable -- not sure what word mouse is searching for.  Whatever the word it does it to mouse.

In other ways maybe this is what she needs?  To feel controlled by him?  Maybe he feels the need to control a little more than he's been doing?  Maybe this is just our way of trying to get back...

Monday, January 2, 2017

To Where You Once Belong

No fancy parties or lavish meals prepared, instead we cuddled on the sofa and watched Singing in the Rain.  Seemed like an upbeat end to the year even though we're both fairly numb.  Yesterday, all the holiday stuff was boxed away for another year.  Today is the bonus holiday.  Tomorrow, the world begins to spin again. (not that it really stopped).  First day of new (old) school and meeting Lucy for coffee after the big drop off.  Daddy returns to work and life slowly goes back to something resembling normal.

Daddy decided it was in fact time to get back to where we once were.   Things were odd between us, but slowly we're making our way back.  Now, he's enforcing what he expects from his slave wife and honestly, it makes mouse feel good -- useful to have her purpose restored.  Last week, mouse paid her final 2016 penalty with some quiet corner time while Daddy looked through some paperwork in his study.  Bottom exposed to the air swirled by the heater, caused mouse some measure of embarrassment.  Like you could forget or allow your mind to wander, then the heater would kick on again as a reminder.  After mouse knelt at his feet and begged again forgiveness for everything she'd done wrong.  Mostly running her mouth when she should have listened.

He said that she deserved more but since especially the years end was difficult for both of us, he was willing to let mouse off with just that.  Daddy warned though next week he will not be so generous and mouse should know better than to cross any lines.   The ground hasn't stopped shaking for us yet. but at least now it doesn't feel like we're about to be swallowed by quicksand.  

Friday, December 30, 2016

(Un)Comfortably Numb

It's been an odd adjustment period to being all back together.  Yes Daddy is still under some stress, but he admitted since we returned it's really one less thing to worry about.  He said he was becoming forgetful with certain things, probably because he had too many thoughts swimming through his mind all at once.  Often mouse will joke that when she learned something knew she's completely convinced something else is pushed out of her brain.

The first several days we were back, Daddy would just follow his routine of getting up just before the alarm, showering, shaving and making his own coffee.  He'd just leave mouse sleeping in the bed.  It felt strange to wake up alone, but then we'd go about our daily routine so, while we're totally living under roof we were still acting like miles were between us.

He'd reheat his evening meal (grateful he didn't have to cook)  whenever he got home, usually after going to the hospital.  Have a cocktail or two and do a little work.  Then he'd go to bed, usually without saying much.  Meanwhile mouse would come downstairs in a ratty old bathrobe, fix some breakfast for the kids, tidy up a bit, drink coffee and just go about her day.

Then,  one evening he got home and asked to have his dinner heated for him.  The next morning when the alarm went off he directed mouse's mouth to pleasure him, then we showered together and later bound mouse up in a corset.  Just like that we were back a little.  During the day there's a little more freedom still than she's used to.  He didn't require that she report her movements.

It wasn't that he didn't care but felt if we wanted to go to a museum we should do it.  He hates the idea of the children just being lazy all the winter break.  A few days before Christmas though mouse went out shopping, always a challenge with the kids.  We needed to find a gift for Daddy though and had no clue since the man is impossible to buy for.  The kids picked out a tie that had flashing lights (mouse nixed that idea straight away a thirty dollar gag gift isn't happening). They settled on a reasonable one that was a solid burgundy  color.  Not really a color he would usually wear but would look nice.

It's the thought that counts?  We're are going through the motions of it all -- doing all the things we're supposed to do but without the joy of doing it.  Everything seems like drudgery -- even the gifts, usually mouse is quite particular about that -- down to even how they're wrapped, but this year -- nope.  It didn't matter.  No one noticed.  Kids were excited, as they probably should be.  The adults, however, we all struggled to pretend to be happy and in those moments that we felt light in a genuine way, something else would remind us that it's different and always will be.

Usually with the coming year, there's a bit of excitement in mouse about what the year will bring...It's a whole new year, a chance to start fresh..

This year, while we all can't wait for 2016 to gasp it's final breath and sink into the history books, mouse finds herself panicking over what 2017 might bring.  This last year has truly been miserable from it's beginning to the end -- and while mouse doesn't want to think about what the coming year could bring -- any sense of optimism is gone.  Wow, this post turned negative quickly.  Sorry about that.  It feels wrong to not express this, somehow disingenuous to pretend that all was going to fine and the future is all rosy.

Daddy is quick to remind mouse that 2016 is simply a number we use to differentiate the year from others (past and present) and its wrong to anthropomorphize it or give it more weight than it deserves.  Years come and go, some were good and others terrible.  How does this year stack up to those other terrible or very dark years? To quote Daddy's favorite movie Casablanca, "Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." Of course he said all this just after learning of the passing of Carrie Fisher.  After learning about her mother, Debbie Reynolds' he had nothing more to add.

Monday, December 26, 2016

No Place Like Home for the Holidays

It's still bittersweet for us, but we're together trying to celebrate as best as we can.  Faithful friends have dropped by to wish us all Christmakah Greetings.  Daddy is coping much better and the stress has diminished somewhat since we all returned.  Santa came bringing presents (someone was worried he wouldn't know we moved).  Daddy assured that Santa would find us and he was right as usual.

Too bad the elf on the shelf seemed to have vanished in the move.  Perhaps it went to the North Pole to inform Santa of the move and just never returned?  (Good riddance).

We're celebrating Hanukkah, and lighting candles each night but it really feels like something we feel we should do rather than wanting and enjoying doing it.  It'll be easier next year, we hope.  The Menorah sits on a smallish table in the otherwise empty dining room, Daddy moved it there to prevent people from walking and bumping into the chandelier.

Not too much in the way of kinky fun going on around here, not that it's expected.  Daddy did have mouse resume her morning oral service to him.  He also asked that she review her list of expectations with a stern warning all apply.  Corsets are back (bah humbug), and so are weekly enemas and the daily plug that does soothe mouse.  Also he's again banned all processed and junk foods, so if mouse wants a tortilla chip, she'd better figure out how to make tortillas and go from there.  He also intimated that he's going to start putting mouse on an exercise schedule.  Oh joy.  Yes, during our time apart mouse has gained a little weight -- too little exercise and too much time eating the wrong foods.

Thank you friends!  Merriest of Merries and here's hoping for a wonderful and welcoming 2017.