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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Easy and difficult things

Have I mentioned we can't play in the house? My 65 pound German Shepherd hound mix got upset with Omega over the weekend when he tried using a riding crop on me. The normally submissive dog (normally this dog is seriously sub), upon hearing him hit my back with the crop, and me scream came into the room. His head was low, his fur up, tail straight, baring teeth and growling that low growl, indicating clearly he wasn't happy with what was happening.

Thankfully Omega has had experience with dogs, especially aggressive ones. He lowered his head, avoided making any eye contact with him and whispered for me not to move yet. He gently placed the crop on the kitchen table. He offered his hand, palm down and held that position until the dog carefully approached. He then said for me to slowly sit up and let the dog know I was okay. I did, and got lots of doggie kisses. Wet slimy ones.

After that the dog didn't leave the room, but instead laid down on his bed and kept a watchful eye on Omega. Omega moved slowly, to the kitchen cabinet, causing the dog to sit up, then offered the dog lots of praise, and gave him a cookie.

Omega sat down then a little more relaxed but still ticked at himself for forgetting how unpredictable even a predictable dog like mine can be. My dog is very even tempered, excellent with children and gentle to the core. I protested to Omega that this dog doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body.

Omega sighed and looked at me and explained to the dog it looked as though I was being hurt, and the dog just wanted to protect me. Omega tried to put his arm around me and the dog sat up and came over to me, demanding my attention. Not in a playful fun way but different, as his tail wasn't wagging, it was more of a cautious way.

After a while Omega and I went into the basement, where he used a gag, and then marked me hitting all the right spots and sending quivers of orgasm rushing through me. I think he enjoyed it as much as I had.

When we finally returned upstairs, the dog was waiting by the door and watched Omega with wary eyes.

So now we have to hide this from the dog. Omega is working to rebuild a friendship with him but clearly the dog doesn't trust him. Yet.

I had no idea I was such a lovable bitch!

In any event, Omega taking the dog into consideration has begun to assert more dominance over me and I'm loving it. He doesn't want to change anything about me, except for me give up some unhealthy habits he finds distasteful. He also understands that I have to want to change those things about me, and really love myself enough to want to make those changes. He has assured me that there will be no retribution for not doing those things. The reward, as he sees it, will be a healthier me. I can accept that.

We also talked again about limits (that's not an easy subject for me to discuss) and he would like to push those limits very slightly. He enjoys sensory deprivation and breath play (he's very knowledgeable and experienced but realizes it scares the crap out of me). That said I am willing to trust and to try--he first wants to see how I do with mild sensory deprivation and maybe over time move on from there to mild breathplay; no strangulation but constriction and NOTHING that would make me lose consciousness. He knows he has to be careful, we talked a little about this and I do trust that he will be.

Alpha believed heavily in learned helplessness. He would fill a tub with water and hold my head under it, until I started to struggle and stopped struggling. Then he would lift my head, let me take a few gasps and do it again. He normally followed it up with hypothermia play. This went on for months and months until I no longer argued or even squirmed. What I learned and has taken a long time to undo, was that self preservation is useless. It did get me thinking issn't that a form of physical and psychological torture?

How is that any different than waterboarding? I hear the people on FOX news saying it's effective and not a big deal. Oliver North sat there on TV and told people that he'd been waterboarded as part of a hazing ritual and said it wasn't a big deal. If it's not a big deal why I was I so damaged by it?

It sounds hideously similar to me. I know I would have said anything to get it to stop.


  1. It was torture plain and simple to me. Whatever Alpha practiced it bears little resemblance to the safe, sane and consensual model of M/s I know.

    I'm sorry I do not wish to speak ill of those that have past.

    I am very happy that Omega is involving you in these types of conversations. I can only hope he is listening to your answers and heeding them.

    aside note to your Dog: (patting his head) Good boy, good boy.

    Now put him outside you do not want him to get use to the idea that you can be hurt. Better he thinks that is wrong.

  2. That's exactly the way Omega views the dog's actions. He'd much rather the dog think it's bad. Which is why he didn't want me to say anything to the dog when it happened.

    This why we go into the basement...the dog will just hang by the door and whimper otherwise. Too many windows. The dog has gotten very possessive of me though, so Omega is training the dog that it's okay for him to be close to me. When we sit together, the dog will try to get between us, but Omega and I will stand and we turn away from the dog. He's actually learning fast. Then he gets a treat when he behaves correctly.

    Omega knew about some of the stuff, but not all of it when it came to his friend, Alpha. It disturbs him when hears of these things because he agrees with you. One of the hardest questions for me to answer is why did I stay. Truth is I didn't really understand that I could go. My world was too wound in his for me to just leave. My mind sometimes goes to this very dark place where I ponder had he not died. Would I have survived that?

    It bothers Omega that I'm still in many ways suffering the effects of my existence with Alpha, it's been coming out more since I offered myself to Omega. He notices it. Other things disturb him too, so he watches me very carefully.

  3. My Master allows this one to read ur blog, and this one feels that her Master has had similar ideas about such things as "Alpha" but has changed His opinion. Mostly after reading ur story.

    This one just wanted to thank you for your honest writing about your past. Master and this one wish u luck in the future and we will both continue to read ur blog.

    Owned and collared by Sir Jackson


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