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Friday, May 8, 2009

Impaired?

Do I think myself impaired? I have to wonder but maybe it was the choice of words, or the person that wrote it on my last post, about the care and feeding of slaves. I just can't do that. Trust. To me that's the very essence of M/s or even D/s relationships. If there is no trust then there cannot be a power exchange which is vital.

I do believe myself unownable (yes, I'm making up my own word), because of my trust issues? YES!

Once you've had chocolate can you go back to vanilla? Wouldn't you miss it? If you're a slave, can you ever NOT really be that? Or if you're a Dom, can you just turn that part of you off and say not anymore? I know some might have to. But are they happy?

I am working on the trust part, but it's so slow. I used to think I had a knack for being able to read people, I could tell mostly by looking at them what kind of character they possess, I was kinda good at it, and made a decent living doing just that. Today, I don't trust myself enough and I question everything. I've become too hardened, too cynical. Too jaded. I get impatient with myself, and wish I could just fast forward through this, and just start living. And yet, I can't.

I was thinking about the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, and there's line that goes, "time makes you bolder..."

In writing this today, I have no clue how many times I've made use of the delete key. I'm always self-editing. Is that a submissive trait? Or a human one?

5 comments:

  1. I would so like to spend an evening with you in a dark coffee shop exploring your life.

    I think to be owned, to be able to trust you first own yourself, you must first trust yourself.

    When you can do that then you will be able to offer something to someone else. We are all broken at times and we are all fixable and that means you as well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sir,
    Thanks for that, and though I do struggle with myself in using my intuition, I am improving in that realm--at least a little bit.

    Perhaps I am becoming a little bolder. And perhaps, just perhaps I'm starting to trust myself more than even I care to admit.

    I think it was the choice of Beta Master's words that took me aback, and made me raise the uncertainty flag.

    I'm not sure what to think about the dark coffee shop, and exploring my life. I think I've posted just about everything there is about me that can qualify as remotely interesting. Though I think an evening sharing conversation over coffee would be fascinating since I don't know a whole lot about you.
    r

    ReplyDelete
  3. R,

    If you have questions please free to email me and I will do my best to answer them.

    J

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I do believe myself unownable (yes, I'm making up my own word), because of my trust issues? YES!"

    ...this is exactly how i feel...

    ReplyDelete

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