Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I woke in the morning and just felt off. Omega was in a bit of funk after his bad day yesterday but also upbeat, because he's not one to let things get him down long. He's too analytical for that. Yes, it threw his schedule out of whack but that's why he keeps it on his crackberry, it's easier to change that way. I had a mild headache probably from the wine last night, ignored it until it raged. I decided to work from home. Omega gave me what I like to call the wifey kiss, goodbye yesterday morning, a quick peck on the cheek.
I did work most of the day, got everything accomplished I needed to accomplish. Met Lucy for a quick lunch and shopping. Then returned home. Omega called asking about a suit of his, and I found it and dutifully brought it to the cleaners. He sounded fairly at ease but also said rather cryptically that he'd talk about that later.
He was home earlier than I expected, and gave me another wifey kiss hello. He asked about my day and I braced myself. I told him what I did. Nothing exciting there, and I told him I had taken to suit to the cleaners like he asked. He smiled and explained that Sunday he has to leave for New York, on business. He settled down the on the sofa, loosened his tie and asked me about my therapy appointment on Monday. I said it was fine. I put too much emphasis on the word fine and said the sentence too quickly. He sighed. He asked if the gorilla needed feeding. I gave him an odd look. He said there was an eight hundred pound gorilla in the room. I nodded.
He sighed again. He touched my arm and said only that if I wanted to talk he would always listen and never judge anything I said harshly. I tried to pretend that I didn't know what he was talking about. He just looked at me and said, "don't you?" After what seemed a long time hemming and hawing, I spilled the dark secret I alluded to in my blog post about Monday--I had never told him about it either. His response shocked me as he gathered me into his arms and held me so tightly. I started crying. He said many things all of them loving. I thought it would anger him or give him pause about wanting to be with me. He only reminded me that none of that was even close to being my fault. He also understood all too well the time line of the event.
He kissed away my tears and reminded me that he loves me regardless of anything. I promised him that is the last secret, everything else he knows all about. He said it didn't matter, there was nothing I could say to make him stop loving me, except if I stopped loving him. How can I not love him?
He led me downstairs into the basement and just when I think I had nothing left to give him, I found myself giving more to him. More power and more of my love...I slipped into the quiet, shivering, quaking, erupting; the feelings, the emotion, and none of the fear, at least the kind I used to feel. It was without limit, condition or regret. The magic of healing.