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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Why I submit

Self-discovery can be a wonderful thing. A very long time ago, I was working as a receptionist in a new job. I was young and rather naïve about all the different facets of life. This is not to suggest that I didn't know things, I just didn't know as much as I thought. I had heard of S&M but mostly from jokes and things like that, and I had an idea of the basic concept and that concept held little interest for me. I hardly considered it a lifestyle. Vibrators and things like that I knew about but never considered owning one, but honestly didn't think much about those that did. I lived very much a "to each their own" attitude. The same could be said for homosexuality, to me, growing up in the shadow of San Francisco was hardly a big deal. I was a fag hag, and had several male gay friends. It was one of them that introduced me to the "leather" bars. The guys dressed like the band Judas Priest, a fact I found to be very ironic, I was also blessed with very good "gaydar." If Rob Halford or Freddie Mercury were gay, I didn't care. Of course guys I knew felt differently and would argue those facts.

I was open-minded but at the same time naïve. Omega interviewed me initially, and Alpha turned up at that interview. Alpha hired me. I started working the next day. I had strong submissive qualities to me, I easily called he and Omega, Sir. I was very respectful, and a little shy. I was also well spoken with a strong command of the English language and polished in appearance. Omega and Alpha noticed the submissive qualities right away as both had in the lifestyle for a while. Omega and I dated first, and he was very nice. He never made overt comments, and was quite gentlemanly. However he was also very busy (work always came first), so we went out a few times but quickly cooled.

It was around that time that Alpha started paying attention to me. He was very different from Omega, and strongly resembled one of those troll dolls. He had this wild hair, and was short, but there was also something about him, like those dolls that were kind of cute. One day he handed me a book on kink. He said that should look at it. I thought it was a joke, I read it—looked at the pictures, was repulsed, and returned it. He said nothing as he pocketed the book. Then as he started to return to his office he almost whispered that if I ever wanted to talk about that book, his door was open.

That book and the conversation embarrassed me and I know I blushed very hard, seriously I think my toes turned red too. However the door was opened, and days later I couldn't get those images out of my head. This is before the internet was the driving force it is today and it never occurred to me to look there for information. Eventually my curiosity got the better of me, and I walked through that door and into Alpha's office. We 'dated' a few times and I didn't realize it but he was already training me and I was all too eager to submit. On one of those first dates, he brought me to his house for a drink after dinner, and in a very matter-of-fact tone asked me to kneel at his feet.

I was never more turned on in my life.

Nothing sexual happened, though I would have totally submitted to him then. He was still feeling me out, trying to discern how submissive I was willing to be. Meanwhile I thought I was falling deeply in love with him.

I never thought for a moment that getting involved with him would help my career, or had ideals of advancing myself through him. Nor did I think that my job would be in jeopardy if I didn't. All of those feelings were years away. He had simply awakened something that burned deeply inside me that I didn't know was there.

I never once felt pressured by him in anyway to submit. I did so under my own free will and honestly I still don't regret that. My submission to him was initially a positive experience and possibly my only cherished memory of him. Years later those feelings would change but at that time, it was how I felt and I how I still look at it.

I have spent a long time getting over, and beyond those years with Alpha and subsequent years, but I never once considered abandoning this lifestyle, even with all the crap that's happened. Eventually, Omega wandered back into my life and I knew that was it. He is the LAST man I will ever offer myself to. It makes him uncomfortable when I say that. However it's true. At first I was conflicted and confused by our common past, but our feelings for each other, our attraction has always remained. I guess if I have any regrets at all about those days it's just that I didn't know Omega was involved in the lifestyle. I wish I had known, however I get the feeling it wasn't meant to work out that way.

3 comments:

  1. I love the background information. Thank you for filling in some of the story.
    sin

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks sin and you're very welcome!

    renea

    ReplyDelete
  3. I believe that everything happens in the proper order, and right on time. It's just that too often we don't see the big picture, and don't realize that everything will work out exactly as planned, and far better than we ever imagined.

    ReplyDelete

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