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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Being still

Omega's been saying that to me a lot lately, "be still mouse." Last night he had me undress and lay on the bed, he touched me tenderly. It's hard for me to let him do that. Almost impossible. It's hard to describe how the touch hurts (he does nothing anyone normal would find the least painful in fact the opposite is true). I trust him and know that he knows what he's doing, he wants my response and nothing happens. It's frustrating to me. Omega reminds me that I gave up my ghost when I explained everything I couldn't tell him before about the years with alpha. I couldn't say these things even here because I was afraid of what Omega's reaction would be. I became good at hiding the truth even in the pages here, however I couldn't hide forever. Might be part of why I quit therapy and have resolved for now not to return to it with Omega's blessing. Now I find myself at odds with alpha, was he abusive, or was I just what he needed? Perhaps a lot of both is the real answer.

That last question was totally rhetorical.

Omega has in some ways taken control of my blog for now, he's requested that I send him advance copy of what I post, so he can read it before. I've written here some about Alpha but left much more out. All was revealed to Omega and he is first and for now the only one in line to help me heal.

Today's assignment: two things I've learned about myself. I've learned to give up my darkest secrets and not be afraid. I've learned to accept that the anger I feel toward alpha is valid.