I recently discovered a new blog called Spirited Meanderings and I have to say I have a deep respect for the slave who writes it. I might say that offering myself (considering my past) took a leap of faith, but what this woman did is a REAL leap. She left her country to be with her Master. Okay, she didn't intend on staying but she did. I find it amazing! Really I do. I don't know if I could do that and yet, I kinda did for Omega. Yeah given his past I took a chance and had no idea what the future would bring me. What it did bring, I can't begin to explain, the deeper understanding of myself, my past and I can even see my future a little clearer. I can see into tomorrow at least now, and that's good enough.
Maybe though when it does come to Omega, because regardless of how terrifying it was, I took a leap of faith. I don't have a lot of faith in well, anything. I don't look for bad things to happen, and I'm not pessimistic, in fact I'm really a glass-is-half-full kind. I don't need faith to know that glass indeed half full, because I can see it. Omega is different, as he has great faith in all sorts of things and some I can understand and others I have a hard time relating to. He'll tell me that everything happens for a reason. Like it's destiny or something. I disagree and I've said this before I think shitty things just happen. It's not to teach a lesson (though you can learn something), but maybe just to remind you that you're alive. That's all. Here's my problem with the idea of destiny, if everything is somehow destined or fated to be the way it is, then there isn't anything you can do to change it. I couldn't have stopped Alpha from doing those things to me because I was simply destined to go through it. It was mapped out at the moment of my conception. Choices and responsibility no longer matter when you're just destined. I was destined to be abused and he was destined to abuse me. He had no choice but to do it because it was his fate. I think that's just a cop out or way of justifying bad or good things.
Maybe I see things too black and white? Right and wrong, good and bad? I either LOVE something or HATE it. If it falls somewhere in the middle I don't care. Maybe I don't see enough of the grays like Omega does. He sees the gray. I ignore it as being unimportant. Maybe that whole gray area is nothing more than faith?
Well, I did a day under Omega's schedule it worked and I felt more at ease. Some things required a little adjustment but all and all a successful day. At night I did exactly as he asked, and everything was great.
Then came the morning. We both kinda overslept (late night), and he hates feeling rushed. I wanted to post something this morning but I had an important task to complete first. It's not like I knew what to blog about anyway until Omega said I could add Spirited Meanderings to my blog-roll. Then I just started pondering about her personal journey, which led me to today's topic.
I wish I had Omega's faith. I want to believe but can't reconcile in my mind.
Have a great weekend everyone!