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Monday, April 18, 2011

Limits

Good morning,

Everyone has limits, even doms have them.  There are lines they just don't feel comfortable crossing.  Some Doms just aren't comfortable with inflicting pain, but are ok with spanking on occasion with a willing partner.  There are many other limits they might have.  Much ado is made about submissive limits, we have categories, hard limits, soft limits...this limit...that.

Some feel that slaves shouldn't have any limits.  But this mouse thinks that everyone has something they just don't feel comfortable with.  When that limit is pushed for whatever reason it can cause great anxiety, because it can be counter to everything she believes and holds dear.  It keeps her from being pleasing.  It makes her feel insecure.  It can cause lots of different emotions and fears to bubble to the surface.

What is done about those feelings is up to the Dom:

He can stay the course but allow his slave a chance to catch up to where he is, pausing to allow her a moment to regain herself.  Maybe to see that it isn't so bad.

He could also reverse the course and back track.  Deciding that perhaps the limit being pushed isn't worth the effort at that time.  Of course he will address it again later if he feels it needs to be.

Finally he can just expect that she submit to it.  There's no discussion or talk.  It's just understood.  Doesn't mean that it's easily accepted.

Each option has their own problems depending on the situation and nothing is easily resolved.  Talking and communication is the key.

But what happens when all the talk falls on deaf ears?  Does the relationship implode?

Each answer just brings more questions.

13 comments:

  1. On paper, M/s sounds great - the slave is fulfilled by fulfilling his wishes, no matter what. In real life, a slave can't control whether damage is done or not, (she) can only tell her master what she thinks and feels, including about limits. It's his responsibility to avoid causing damage.

    Likewise, pushing through limits sounds good on paper. Even in real life, sometimes it works out great - all for the better. But often in real life, pushing through limits, especially psychological or emotional ones, causes real life damage and harm.

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  2. Yet, it is with the pushing of those limits that growth can occur too!

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  3. Your posts always make me go, Hhhhmmmm. Very thought provoking, mouse.

    Hugs.

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  4. Mouse is everything ok?
    Hislifehislove

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  5. mousee, you set me wondering....firstly are you ok? sending a hug.
    secondly............there is a limit to our limits,,,,,,and over that point where it becomes damaging is where we should bot go, and we trust our D not to take us there.
    i do hope you are ok and this is a hypothetical post.
    HSxx

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  6. Mouse, you seem so sad just now. I hope you soon find the love and trust you basked in before.

    Hugs,

    Velvet

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  7. greengirl - Yes, on paper M/s is great, easy wonderful, real life still great, sometimes easy, mostly wonderful but it requires a lot of work to maintain it. And mouse agrees with everything you said!

    Mindset - Excellent point!

    littlemonkey - Just a little thing to ponder ;-)

    Hislifehislove - Yep, all's fine, how's you?

    a hidden slave - Yes doing fine and thanks for the hugs. Yes totally hypothetical and yeah there is a limit to the limits...it's a personal thing.

    Velvet - Oh no, not sad, just curious.

    Nothing bad going on, but mouse really appreciates all the concern!

    Maybe everyone's due for a mushy O post?

    Hugs and many thanks,
    mouse

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  8. First you two are human and every human has limits no mater what they are, there is always at least 1 :-) If we didn't try to push beyond them though we wouldn't know if we could grow. Hope things are okay.

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  9. @greengirl-

    I think i know where you were going with your comment but your thoughts seem incomplete to me.

    We often put a lot of pressure on Masters when we are slaves and yes they like the control and the Dominance that they have but, we are also masters of our own feelings. Though people often think that M/s or D/s is a one way street with one giving it all and one taking it all, it is in fact a two way street. There is a lot of give and take.

    With that i would like to say that on paper a lot of things sound god but in real life they are always more difficult. I enjoy looking at babies but i dont enjoy caring for them. Some may enjoy the ideals of M/s but do not enjoy actually giving up that much control.

    I do agree that it is a Masters responsibility to avoid damage that is not agreed upon but it is also a slaves responsibility to communicate in a way which she will be understood.

    Every relationship is different but at the core of every relationship there has to be communication.

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  10. Tiffany - things are fine! Pushing limits is a tricky thing, depending on the limit.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  11. Lissa,

    Thanks for your thoughts on this topic and the baby analogy is good. Communication is very important, but what if it feels as though it fails?

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  12. @mouse,

    For a long time i felt like communication between my husband and i was always failing. I felt like no matter what i said he didn't or couldn't understand me. We were one of those couples where it looked great on paper and we just could not find a rhythm in real life. All of that seemed to change when i started sharing my writing with him. He was able to see parts of me and under all other circumstances he was not able to before. After reading a few of my writings it clicked and it has been amazing since.

    It was always there but it took some interesting forms of communication to draw it out.

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  13. Hi mouse =)

    I think there is a difference between pushing boundaries and pushing limits. When I entered this lifestyle only 6 months ago, a lot of -if not most- things seemed off limits to me! Limits change; some go from hard to soft to maybe become no limit at all or even something you seek. That is all about discovery. Often this pushing may be almost imperceptible at the time, until you realize that you actually took it a step further, close to that limit. You can edge through them -but for me a hard limit is a hard limit until I state otherwise! If it is still a hard limit I simply am not ready for that development yet. I know my Master has asked me the same questions over time, and it wasn't until I realized that my reply had changed that I understood why. Certain things I have been uncomfortable with trying he's said to try, if it don't work out, it don't work out and it may be revisited at a later date.

    I can't even start to tell you how many of my limits and boundaries have been pushed -and far at that! But never in a way that took me beyond what I could handle, even if I beforehand didn't think I cold or would like it. Baby steps. Imperceptible steps. Tastes rather than forcing down a whole meal. I think there is a difference between fear and fear, and if the Dom can see that difference it is all good -this is why communication and getting to know someone is so important.

    Everyone has limits -you just have to know how strong they are to know if you can push through them or just edge closer to them, this requires a lot of subtlety, patience and know-how of a Dom, as well as good knowledge of his submissive and her workings.

    If fears fall on deaf ears then the relationship might possibly be irrevocably damaged, without trust any relationship is doomed, in a D/s relationship I think it is all the more important, not to mention the amount of trust you need to feel for the person you give yourself to.

    *sighs* why can't I ever leave a short comment like other people do?

    Anyway, that's my 2 cents (or $'s more like :P)

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