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Friday, October 4, 2019

Lately Waking Up I'm Not Sure Where I've Been

Thank you first for the outpouring of love, and thoughts from everyone. The comments left on Master's post have really lifted our spirits (His words) and made mouse happy. As most are aware there have been times where mouse has considered just not posting anymore, but reading the comments made her realize that this place is special and has ongoing value, as we continue to change and life changes us.

Thank you all!

It's been confusing for mouse. The thoughts are jumbled and very disjointed, reading Master's account was difficult to read all that He went through -- it's like she can never apologize enough for it. And if she does, He refuses to accept it, because He replied that it wasn't her fault. Go back in time and tell Him is the only real thought, but that can't happen. In the hospital ICU sleeping, if you can call it sleep, mouse had no concept of time, the passing of days, it was more like she fell asleep in huge pain and woke up with different pain that wasn't nearly as bad. 

Just different.

For the week before, she had been terrible just sniping at everyone. Including Master who didn't deserve that but none of them did. Truly a poor picture of anything resembling a slave or even a mother. As the pain increased, even talking became impossible, sure she would snap and snipe at those around her. By that Saturday the pain became so intense that she could just focus on it only. Words seemed impossible and then there was the terror that had been building inside her most of the week. When they wheeled her into in the OR, she was sort aware that it was happening and all she wanted was to tell Him that she loved Him. There was fear that if she died, because the pain made her think she might, all she could think was how awful she'd been to the very people she loved the most and that would be their last memories of her. All she wanted to say was I love you. I love you. 

Seeing Master nearly each time she opened her eyes, there was the feeling of home. Not a house or place, but more a concept of an emotion that made her feel safe, comforted and that all would be ok. Home. Learning that a week had passed was completely unsettling, but you try to move on from that. When she first woke, she thought only hours had passed because there was nothing. No dreams, no thoughts no voices, no moments of conscious thought or awareness, nothing just nothing.

He blamed Himself and mouse blames herself in this whole thing. He did say that if mouse didn't let that whole she's really more to blame thing drop, He'd begin awarding demerits to her and punish her when she is finally recovered. When she did finally speak, the word sorry did come out first. That was only because one word seemed far easier than the three she really wanted to say. It took several drinks of water to loosen her mouth and throat to conjure those three words and say them loud enough to be heard. That felt good.

Home feels good, but the routine is off. Instead of cleaning, cooking, playing chauffeur for our children and running errands. Not to mention trying to think of 5 extra things to do for Master, she sits on a sofa, flipping channels on TV, sometimes coming across a movie that looks ok that she's never seen or maybe saw long ago and forgot about. Flipping through a book she'd started and again abandoned because she's fickle when it comes to reading a book. No driving for a few weeks at least, in fact he took away her car keys so she won't be tempted.

In bed we're having problems. (of course sex is completely off the table for a while) It's that we both comfortable side sleepers, right side specifically. He would press His body close to hers and she'd always fall asleep feeling His warmth at her back. It's a comfortable position and there are times where we wake in the same position we drifted to sleep in. Well, now, the incision is on that side, which makes sleeping that way impossible. For the first few days the only position was flat on her back. More recently, the left side is ok if she has a body pillow to position so the area has better support she can sleep that way until she tries to flip over to the other side and wakes herself up. He's reverted to the summer sleeping place where He keeps to His side of the bed.

He can be a light sleeper and any different sound she makes His eyes open. That is truly a Master thing. He will just scoot over and pull mouse to Him sometimes He will whisper if she's in pain. Sometimes she wants to answer yes, but usually doesn't. It's not that kind of pain, it's the kind of pain that comes with moving the wrong way and goes away on its own. Yes he He knows and understands that kind of pain too well. The incision area is thoroughly taped up and covered. The routine has been that Master helps her shower because baths are out of the question. Even that feels wrong to her because it's her place to dry Him afterward. And as mentioned no sex for a while either, can't even wake Him up with oral. Doctors said it's usually for 2-3 weeks before that's even possible. Ok, well right now mouse isn't really feeling up to it much anyway.

The other thing she misses is the plug.

This passed Sunday Master took everyone to breakfast and then a grocery store for the weekly shopping trip. Midway through the market, mouse began feeling very tired. He asked if she were in any pain, but no, just feeling tired that came on like a wave. All she had to do was point to things so it wasn't like she was doing much and thought it would be easy (usually she does it alone). The store was crowded but that's expected. Master said He overestimated her endurance (she did too). When we got home He told her to go to bed and He'd sort through and put everything away. A short time later He checked on her bringing the antibiotic and some advil. He put in a movie and mouse asked Him the last time the sheets were changed on our bed. He sat down, thought for a moment then mouse mentioned that it's time to put extra blankets on the bed as well. The routine is usually around the end of September she washes all the blankets that were stored since late spring. That way they're ready to go on the bed when the heater starts being used all the time. Yes, she feels she should be doing something.

He said to not worry about any of that a turn of phrase that mouse is getting tired of hearing Him say. For real, how many demerits would mouse be collecting for the way the house looked? There's dog and cat hair everywhere, dust on the coffee table. crumbs on the floor, glasses and plates everywhere in the family room. To be clear she didn't say in a mean or snippy way with Him, it was just a statement of fact. Seriously, the housekeeper was walking into a huge messy house the next day. Bearing in mind she's already grumpy and frustrated with herself for feeling tired after just a few hours out in the world. Yes, she knows she needs to cut herself some slack. Also she never expected the children to do much. They have their duties and they usually do them, without so much as a reminder from mouse. It's the other stuff they just aren't asked to do. He sat down on the bed for a moment and seemed to murmur that His children were slobs. Well.....after thinking about that mouse offered, they're unaware. The house doesn't clean itself.

Master gave a forehead kiss and commented that mouse felt clammy. He touched her hands and cheek and said He'd be right back. He returned with a thermometer and took her temperature, which was actually on the low side. He quickly remade the bed and put mouse into it and covered her with a throw blanket and put in a movie (When Harry met Sally) before He left the room. Downstairs she heard the angry Master voice directed at His offspring. While mouse couldn't make out every word, there were a few about her needing to rest and recover, other words like major surgery, incredibly sick. But He absolutely bellowed that He doesn't pay a housekeeper to clean up after them, He pays the housekeeper to clean the house. In the bedroom two floors up from the commotion, mouse wondered which child brought that up?

Master returned to the bedroom remarked that mouse's color looked better and after touching her forehead and cheeks, He seemed relieved. Too much walking around He concluded. He seemed like He wanted to say something else, and frankly mouse is dying to be useful so she asked if there was anything else. He needed help with the washer and dryer because our washer has too many options.

He didn't really want mouse to get out of bed, but honestly it's easier to just set it than to try to remember the exact settings for each load. He had things kinda divided up, but he had the sheets and towels together, so mouse explained that those needed to be done separately, because the lint from the towels would just stick to the sheets. He needed towels for Monday morning so mouse felt those were a priority and also warned Him to not overload the washer because it would start to bounce around during the final spin. He loaded the machine and watched as mouse pushed the buttons and it started to fill.

The clamminess was back. He told mouse she'd done enough, gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, His brow furrowed and told her to get back into bed. His tone was clear, so mouse said the washer and dryer would be fine for the sheets and any white clothing. Fatigue swept over her as she crawled back into bed. There was a vague awareness of someone entering the room, moving the hair away from her face and leaving. When she woke, the TV was off but felt much more refreshed. The downstairs was cleaned, and the smells from the kitchen were amazing. Master remarked with a kiss that mouse looked much, much better. He cooked a Mexican styled stew for dinner it was not too spicy but had amazing flavors, which mouse complimented Him on.  He's really a good cook, mouse often forgets about that.

He wouldn't allow her to help clean up but told her to go the sofa. Later He told her to move a little and slipped behind her, like clockwork, disgruntled voices were heard. He shook His head, ignoring them for a little while before covering mouse's ears and yelling at the ceiling. The voices quieted and He gave mouse a kiss as we watched the millionth movie, an old 007 movie with Roger Moore, not mouse's favorite Bond. The movie was good though.

He handled the bedtime routine for our little one, read to her from the book and tucked her into bed. He said she was asleep before He turned off the light. Our daughter is especially angelic when she's sleeping. Maybe all kids are? When He returned, mouse thanked Him for the cleaning and laundry. He shook His head and was very sweet to lie and say it was the children.

We went to bed and the next morning He finally returned to work. The housekeeper came. Master left a sandwich for mouse in the fridge for later with some fruit and soup. Every text He sent was answered except for one because she was asleep. He came home early and found her napping.

The week moved the same as Monday. Master came home early or at His usual time. He'd change His clothes and handle everything. In the evening after the house was quiet He'd slip behind her and we'd watch something. While the whole not doing anything all day long is making her crazy, she will miss this new nighttime thing we got going on. We haven't done that in a very long time and never consistently on a daily basis. There's stuff to do and she does hope His work isn't suffering because of this too much. It has been nice to just slow everything down and just be.  


Roz said...

Mouse! I can't tell you how good it is to hear from you! My heart was in my throat reading the post from Omega and I am so relieved you are home and recovering. This is a major trauma, and I can't begin to imagine how scary it must have been for you all.

Things must feel somewhat unsettling right now. Please don't be hard on yourself, this wasn't anyone's fault. Rest and recovery is the priority right now, though I can understand you feeling you want to be taking care of things.

Sending positive healing thoughts.


Anonymous said...

Dear Mouse,
It is so lovely to read your post. I had a major surgery two years ago, and I remember thinking I could go to Whole Foods with my husband and ended up having to leave and wait in the car. It's one thing to be home, but then when you go out all of a sudden the big tired feeling comes suddenly. I'm so happy your husband is taking such good care of you, and I think everything is going to be okay. I love When Harry Met Sally. Take good care, I'm rooting for you :)

Susan said...

I have no words and almost too many. I was shocked when I read the two post. The one comment that made me laugh was when your husband said the children were slobs, aren’t they all. The post also made me cry.
Sending peace and love ☺️❤️, get better .

Susan said...

I have no words and almost too many. I was shocked when I read the two post. The one comment that made me laugh out loud was when your husband called the children slobs ,aren’t they all mine were. Your blogs made me cry .
Peace and love, get to feeling better .
Love ☺️❤️

John Blaid said...

MOUSE! You overdid it by writing so much. You need more rest than you know.

I watched my wife spend 2 years trying to figure out and come to terms with what happened to her. She is an ER Nurse and she was treated in the Hospital she works in. Several doctors visited her daily because they were also her friends. Yet she had no idea they were there. She was unconscious throughout the 2 week ordeal. she was in the hospital one month and spend only about one week conscious. She had no idea she came within one day of dying.

But finally, when she got ready to, she had a lot of people she could go to in order to realize what happened and come to terms with what almost happened.

You will struggle to put it all together, but you will get there.

In the meantime, REST. You are very important to a lot of people, including people you don't even know exist.

Respectfully, John and Anna

Anonymous said...

I’m so glad to read your words!! Please rest. I know that’s what you’d rather not do - but it’s so easy to tire one’s self out without realizing it. I hope that you have a speedy and uncomplicated recovery.

Thank you for continuing to post here. It is a special place and I find your words, as well as Omega’s, to be deeply moving. As your life changes, it’s only right that this space changes to match. I think we’d read anything you chose to write. 😏

Sending good thoughts,

Anonymous said...

MOUSE-how wonderful it was to hear from you! Part of me wanted you to keep writing but the other part knows you must rest. You now have all the time in the world to find what is really important to MASTER and mouse. Write when the both of you can and know how much it means to this vanilla.

JAY said...

It's so wonderful to read your words mouse. I am sure it's an odd time but I'm also sure you will find your way back to the more familiar after some much needed healing. Because what's done is done and you can only move forward and grow together from this. I'm just so happy you are okay!

Jz said...

Just keep getting better, sunshine.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are okay. Best wishes for a quick and speedy recovery!

Jaye said...

OMG - I've just caught up with your posts! What a scary time for you both, and I'm so relieved you're on the mend. I'm so glad I saw your recent tweet first, because if I hadn't, I'd have thought the worst.
Take your time - and don't be surprised by the fatigue, it's your body recovering, and the more you give it rest, the quicker it will go.
Wishing you the best.

Jaye / DF

Simply Simple said...

Im glad you are okay and you have recovered. I've been following your blog for years now and very grateful