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Monday, May 21, 2018

Never Ending or Beginning

Round 
Like a circle in a spiral 
Like a wheel within a wheel 
Never ending or beginning 
On an ever-spinning reel...

It is probably worth mentioning that mouse hasn't been reading any good books lately but most evenings when there is time and things are quiet mouse will read through the previous pages of this journal. Cherry picking often and while there are a few masturbatory worthy posts, there are even more that mouse finds cringe-worthy today. After closing her laptop once with a loud exasperated slam, mouse considered adding some new "labels" or "tags" to her posts to include, "Haughty" or "Arrogant" and just "Plain Wrong". 

Re-reading this journal at times is like mouse meeting an old friend who knows where all the bodies are buried and regales others with 'remember that time' stories -- which you just know never end well, and often leave you scratching your head thinking, really? Did that happen, or did I do that? For a moment you might even think they're mistaken and confused you with another person. Then sometimes a tidbit is added where you finally recall. 

Memory is complicated, we often choose to forget things that are embarrassing to us. Times we misspoke or became intoxicated and did something off the wall in hilarity. It is often the purpose of friends to remind us of wild child we used to be. It's not also without irony that our children and even spouses enjoy hearing those tales. "You did that?" you might say with some level of astonishment because its completely different to the man or woman you know today or that raised you. 

At some point during her re-reading expedition mouse closed the laptop in embarrassment and vowed to never delve into the past again. Sure, she could see by reading how far she's come; how much she's grown in her slavery to Master. That growth that she's so proud of didn't begin to snowball until around 2015! Master said he wants her to continue to explore the past, contemplate where she went wrong and what she might do differently now. He also reminded mouse that many people don't keep journals and probably most of the ones that do, don't really read them ever again.

It's like a time machine, filled with personal thoughts. Master then added that he still journals almost every day and showed her his current book. His neat handwriting that looks almost typed is annoyingly precise. Obviously the notion that women are supposed to have better penmanship is myth, while mouse's has improved with daily writing, it'll never be that precise. When mouse asked if he ever read them years later and he admitted that he had. He never thought of his previous thoughts to be appalling, but that rather an evolution that only does come with age.

He gave a hard pinch and twist to a nipple through her blouse when she gave him a sideways glance. Then he took back the journal. A mild but effective correction. Lately mouse feels woefully inadequate but is making great efforts to alter those thoughts into action that Master would be proud and happy with. The result has been a more mindful and obedient mouse. Exploring the past with a critical eye, maybe is helpful to her.

An odd parting thought, the image mouse chose, while beautiful perplexes her and in an odd way mirrors her own discomfort. The female, is laying on what seems to be a very comfortable bed. with a pillow under her head but her arms are awkwardly bound in a way that must be at least a little uncomfortable, yet seems happy to be used in this way. It's that paradox between comfort and discomfort that intrigues mouse at the moment in her own slavery to Master and her ever evolving purpose.


Sunday, May 13, 2018

It's as Big as the Promise

'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
But it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day

Sometimes speaking (and writing) in the third person is a blessing for mouse, as she can disassociate herself. It's not "me" it's mouse. Yet, there isn't a "me" and only mouse or slave, since mouse is the name Master called her largely in place of slave. Where is this going? No idea, there have been some struggles lately as Master continues to travel. The past few years he didn't have to travel so much, now he's beginning to recall why he stopped.

While Master was away, one early evening he phoned and we spoke for a while. During that call mouse poorly expressed that she missed him. Instead of simply saying that she explained awkwardly, it felt like she was placed on a shelf and forgotten about. He replied in a rather sarcastic way that she didn't anticipate. His rebuke was laced with a bit of venom. it left mouse disquieted long after the call ended. As usual mouse had said too much and allowed her emotions to take her too far. His carefully worded, albeit sarcastic retort brought her crashing back down to reality and her past lapse in judgment. Probably the biggest error was that mouse left it there saying little during the remainder of the phone call, didn't apologize by text or on the next phone call. Instead she thought we'd discuss it when he got home. Somehow she'd make him understand.

A few days later Master sent a text to mouse telling her to go to bed and he'd be home at the very earliest in the wee morning hours. His flight was being delayed or he had missed his connecting flight -- but whatever the reason, it's something that he's gotten used to. Sure enough, at some point before dawn, mouse woke to the sound of the shower going. His last instruction was to just let him sleep. He didn't really need to express that, as mouse would have taken it as evident but still appreciated the direction. When she woke she simply went about the morning as though he wasn't yet home, with a few alterations.

As humans slowly appeared dressed and ready for another school day mouse kept the sounds under control. Mid morning mouse did her usual errands and returned to a still very quiet house. Afraid to wake Master, mouse just kept to the lower floors and worked through her daily cleaning. As morning shifted to midday however mouse became a little anxious about when he would rise.

Eventually she heard the sound of a door opening (one has a horrible squeak) and the sound of the toilet flushing. Almost frozen mouse waited, until the footfalls were heard as he came downstairs. He appeared in the kitchen. He asked what time it was, and mouse answered that it was close to 1. He looked outside for a moment in that way as though checking for daylight. Then mouse asked softly if he'd like coffee, she'd saved a cup before washing out the pot and it wouldn't take too long to reheat. or she could make a fresh pot for him. He was still tired and not sure what he wanted though, and eventually settled mentally at least for some eggs.

it took no time to whip up, and soon it was on a plate and before him with some hot sauce, which he politely refused. Then he asked mouse to sit. He wanted some company while he ate after days basically eating at a table for one, he welcomed some conversation that wasn't about work. Almost nervously mouse prattled through the few things she hadn't already shared with him and reminded him that a couple of his siblings were coming to dinner tonight (he had arranged it a week or more earlier, under the assumption that he would have a full night of sleep). He looked up from his eggs and muttered something that mouse didn't catch but also didn't ask him to repeat.

Pensively mouse waited, folded a napkin and then smoothed it out and folded it again. Waiting is often difficult, especially when there's a lot to do, or maybe there wasn't too much, but it all hung on Master and what he wanted. Part of her wanted to offer solutions, we could cancel and he could just rest or should mouse be cleaning more? There was still plenty to do before the children made everything three times as hard. Then of course there was the other matter that mouse didn't want to talk about or the fact that she should apologize for, but hadn't so far.

"Master may mouse speak?"

He looked up from his plate as though surprised, "I thought we were were. Yes, speak freely."

"Sorry Master." mouse said softly with lowered eyes.

"For what?"

Then slowly mouse explained how she was thinking about the phone conversation a few days ago and how she was again guilty of trying to control her slavery and also circling around all she had to do and was feeling very impatient with him  Both were wrong. He said he was pleased that mouse was seeing it. We spoke a little longer about it and then moved onto the other honestly more pressing issue of the dinner that evening and decided it was too late to cancel and sent mouse to finish her chores. He showered, but stayed out of mouse's way as she quickly cleaned the remainder of the house and was nearly finished before the children go home.

The dinner went well and mouse barely had a moment to eat, instead focusing on Master, our guests and family, making sure their plates were full, wine or water/beverage glasses refilled. After the guests left, the children had helped tidy then yawned in that obvious way, so Master released them from further chores. Once they were settled mouse felt exhausted but it was a good exhaustion.

Master looked far more exhausted, having spent the evening engaged in lively political discussions he was feeling even more exhausted from the broken sleep of extended traveling. He said he was going to his study to work a little. A very short while later while mouse was quietly reading, he emerged and stated he was going to bed -- he lacked any kind of real focus. He didn't make mouse join him, instead just said to come to bed when she was ready and there were still a few later evening things that needed to be completed. Like emptying the dishwasher, which was still going, and letting the dog out to do his thing.

Seated on the floor, mouse pondered Master's words about not being able to focus. This was something mouse understood. While focus isn't really her problem, distractions sometimes are, which causes her to be disobedient.

That word bothered mouse, disobedient. That's rarely something she does with intent. It's more about doing what he requires in an exact way. Like the time when mouse cleaned the closet. He had asked mouse to do a few things, cleaning the closet wasn't one of them, but somehow it morphed into that and all other things seemed to be forgotten about, including dinner. While mouse had not set out to become disobedient, in a way like, "screw him, i'll do what i want" it was a different kind of disobedience that occurred when she allowed her own compulsion to override his wishes.

We still have a housekeeper, it is worth mentioning, but while in the beginning the housekeeper was the end to the means, because mouse was an incompetent at keeping house, today the reason is completely different because the housekeeper is more like a part of our family than just a random person who cleans. If the housekeeper did quit, we wouldn't need to replace her, but as it is, we're happy and fortunate to have our housekeeper in our life.

While mouse would love to venture further down the housekeeper rabbit hole, mouse will resist the urge and maybe putting a pin in that thought for another time.

The point of this is mouse's disobedience that while is never completely intentional. Yet, as mouse had read through much of this journal with fresh eyes, she sees that time and again mouse neglected to follow the simplest directive to "obey". There's something about obeying or disobeying that is clouded. Most women just say very simply they "obey" their Owner or Master, but aren't there levels of obedience? If Master says, 'clean the bathroom,' do you spend the time doing it until everything sparkles? Or do you just make it presentable? Wiping the sink, tub or shower, cleaning the mirror, swishing some cleaner into the toilet, maybe taking a duster to the tile or floor? Sure, there are times when 'good enough' is well, good enough but what happens when just good enough becomes the standard?

it's not just about cleaning or cooking, but it also runs into all aspects of life, doesn't it? There are moments when mouse is actively worshipping Master's cock or body where she feels it. It's not rote and she's not mentally wandering through the laundry list of other things to do, but truly becomes lost in that worship of Him. He always knows when that happens. Sure he can, and sometimes does take control of the action, but does that happen only when mouse is inadequate? Yes and no if she's honest with herself. Looking at it this way, mouse can safely say when she's not thoroughly engaged in the process of worship and is going through the mental laundry list Master will always without fail take control of her action bringing her back to Him. A face slap, pulling of hair, or just shoving his cock deeply into her throat until she gags and drools around him are all ways of getting her attention. When she's engaged fully in worshipping his body, maybe once out of five times he might redirect her efforts.

It's not about just obeying but going beyond that obedience that mouse most wishes to go.  

Friday, May 4, 2018

In her Place



Recently after many, many months of no physical punishment mouse stepped boldly over a line. Master Omega came home from work one day, a little early and looking exhausted. He's been traveling a good deal for work and has been coming and mostly going. He was naturally looking forward to actually spending a little time home for once, before he'd have to repack his case again in another week or so for the next round. Master announced that he was going to make use of the hot tub and then went upstairs to change. There was a huge misunderstanding about His wishes that mouse can only say that she wasn't really thinking when it all happened but made a myriad of assumptions about what He wanted.

Nothing else was said until Thursday evening long after the kitchen was cleaned and family were either in bed or doing their own thing in their rooms. The dog had been walked and mouse found herself in the hallway by Master's study sitting rather nervously on the stool he placed outside the closed wooden door. Several nerve-wracking minutes later, he opened the door and told mouse to undress in front of him and he removed the corset. Usually he would leave that on her. Completely nude for the first time in many months for this reason left mouse feeling ashamed and vulnerable to him, especially when he told her to kneel in more or less the center of the room.

He asked if mouse understood why she was being punished and then he asked for her side of the event. Now this was something mouse had been running through over and over through her mind since it happened early that week. He walked around her as she stammered through the only explanation she had. Not only had mouse presumed to know His thoughts but she had "projected" her own desires onto the situation by assuming that he'd want to be alone to relax because that's what she'd want to do. Next time she would ask him privately and accept the answer.

Soon the cane was out and mouse was leaning over the cleared desk, fingers splayed and softly resting on the dark wood with her legs parted and her nipples just touching the desk. The first "thwack" of the cane took mouse's breath away and she struggled to say "one" the second made a loud whooshing sound with another harder "thwack" on her thighs as she tried to say "two". Shaking legs and unsteady hands were the only things holding her in place as her tears blotted the woodwork on the desk until she reached the number 20.

While her ass couldn't take anymore abuse other parts weren't so lucky. He commanded for her to kneel and hold her tits up to him where he again struck them several times. Maybe next time she would remember. After she thanked Him profusely for the correction and kissed his shoes. Soon she felt the cool vulnerability of His version of corner time. Hands behind her back, head down nude, standing in the corner while his fingers clicked on the computer. Once or twice he'd remind her to be quiet when her sniffles became too frequent or noisy. Eventually released from the wall he watched her dress (without the corset) and sent her upstairs to ready for bed and wait for him.

Undressing again, hanging up her dress, brushing her teeth, then taking her spot on the floor in front of the bed, kneeling and lowering her torso to the floor. Feeling the pile of the carpet brush against her nipples and welting breasts. It occurred to mouse that she hadn't thought to really look at her reflection but shook that feeling away reminding herself that this was punishment and not done for any of his own pleasure. He entered the room and began shedding his own clothing, hanging up his suit, making mentions of dry cleaning, before brushing his teeth.

From her position, she could feel his hands brushing gently her back, following the lines of her punishment, and listened as mouse winced in pain. He vanished for a moment and returned with some salve which he rubbed on her bottom, pressing slightly her tight hole with a digit of a finger. It felt humiliating or being weirdly violated in this way. He hadn't allowed a plug to be worn for more than week before, and mouse was very tight. A second finger grazed her slit and rubbed her clit and she heard chuckle because despite everything she was wet down there. Again wishing the ground would just swallow her up, he continued rubbing a little faster, edging her, until he took his hand away leaving her feeling strongly empty and replaced it with his cock. Grabbing a fist full of her hair he pulled her as he entered her, feeling her body stretch to accommodate his size as her cunt pulsed around him. He pulled her hair to remind her that this was for his pleasure and any pleasure she might feel was of no consequence.

When he finished, he did have his slave clean off his cock with her mouth. Then he climbed into bed, while she cleaned herself up a little. "you can finish yourself off there if you'd like." he said from the bed. It was a hint to mouse that the punishment was over. Rubbing her clit mouse did just that and then returned to Him thanked him for allowing that. Again knelt this time by the bed, and asked permission to enter it, which he did grant and pulled her very close. The next morning he pulled out the small plug and slid it into place. He said that he was thinking about allowing mouse to touch one or two of the plugs, but wasn't sure yet. 

Monday, April 9, 2018

Twists and Turns of Understanding



“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” 

-- Ana├»s Nin

How many times has this quote been published in here and other blogs? One line in particular really resonates deeply the part that goes, "His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot." 

There are hundreds of moments like this contained within the numerous words that filled this blog (or journal), but even more moments that weren't shared. Not really certain why or why not, some probably seemed insignificant at the time. Each were an opportunity to learn (probably). Each lesson was either embraced, dismissed or eventually, often much later understood. Today, mouse has a deeper understanding of her real purpose as Master's slave than she did years ago. 

Have you ever struggled to learn something, set out with some measure of determination to understand it thoroughly only to fail? Then years later, you just "get it" it's as though the skies opened with a voice on high saying, "This is it!" Finally you understand it and then, suddenly after you curse yourself for being such a ninny for not grasping it the first, second or even third time, you wonder why it took so long? What was different this time that made that bit of learning so easy? Was it the teacher or the way it was explained, or maybe more succinctly you were just ready for it now? 



Years ago, before we were really Omega and, mouse, we were experimenting with how this thing we would eventually do, might work. He began instructing on what he wanted, needed or simply just desired, and most were little things. He liked it when the female (in this case mouse) dressed in a feminine way, with hair, makeup, etc. He would offer small compliments on appearance or colors choices, or a not too subtle rebuke, "are you wearing that?" Like the "tie dyed finery" comment of  a few years before that. A small dig. He knew she could look better, behave better and well, become better. At first the modifications were tiny almost insignificant, and mouse was an accommodating subject for him. Then there was the first eyebrow arch of his. That first time something was said fell under scrutiny

It was a simple thing, "Have a nice day." What could be so wrong about that? Yet, there it was, his eyebrow up but offered nothing else. A few more times and the same reaction, yet nothing was said. Although as many long-time readers are well aware, Omega can express more with that one small action than most men can express in a volume of words. Eventually, one morning he remarked on it, quietly, while pulling mouse close in an embrace. "Do you feel it is proper for a slave to command a Master?" -- It was something she forgot about, only to find that mouse had lightly mentioned it before in a previous post. 'Lightly mentioned' because it was hidden within a post about using the pronoun "i". Honestly that's a common thread for mouse, sticking a deeper thought within a filter of something else so she can't dwell on them and that tidbit of control goes unnoticed by all involved.


The remark left mouse unsettled, but undaunted she continued to say, "have a nice day" whenever he left for work, or a trip or whatever adjusting the words accordingly. "Have a nice day" or "Have a safe trip." There's nothing wrong with that, right?  Probably another lesson mouse wasn't ready to learn, because after all, she had said this daily to her former owner and he never corrected her. With some haughty delight mouse considered Omega, at least at times, to be a rather lazy Master, after all he was cheating, he had a fully trained slave. He didn't have to teach mouse what slavery was. Yes, her head was swimming with thoughts about how great she was and what great luck for him to find her.  


Looking back at those times, it's a wonder Master put up with mouse at all. He's patient but that patience must surely been stretched quite far by that time. The fun stuff, sex and sadism were the easy bits. It was the nuts and the bolts that were the problem. We got along well (which is probably why we lasted) but there were times that mouse came along kicking and screaming. It wasn't until last year, when things began to really turn around and mouse had finally understood all the mistakes and how hard the road was ahead to repair the damage was going to be. 


As a couple mouse always envisioned herself maybe a few steps behind him (and sometimes even ahead of him). Now she was learning how very far behind him she really was. It was as though he were at the summit of Everest and mouse was thinking basecamp must be the top. So far down the mountain was she, that He couldn't see her. Maybe she slid, or just fell. Now looking back with 20/20 vision that only seeing things in retrospect can bring, mouse has the feeling she wasn't even on the same mountain. Now, Master says something different about that. He is generous to point out that there was always a lot going on but did sense that the only time that mouse truly connected with her slavery to Him was at the lake. 
 
Going back for a moment to the common turn of phrase, "have a nice day," and his remark some years earlier was a lesson that mouse wasn't ready to understand -- even though in the linked post it should seem that she did understand that. There's a difference between saying "i hope you have a nice day" and "have a nice day." Let's be clear first, we aren't talking snark. It was never (or rarely said) with any sort of sarcasm. It was never wielded like a whip. Yet, it did smack of a command. It was subtle. It was wrong for mouse to say that no matter how well-intentioned it was meant. He said more than once it was innocent and without any malice and still just a teeny bit out of bounds. A slave shouldn't presume to command a Master in anything. A lesson learned, sure maybe that took longer than it should, but still learned. 


A realization that brought her closer to where he was.  




Saturday, April 7, 2018

Information Regarding this Journal

As many are aware there have been some significant changes to mouse and I have been deeply euphoric with her improvement of late. This journal will continue for the foreseeable future, so long as it remains of value to her and her slavery. With this in mind, I no longer require mouse to update with the same frequency of the past, instead I wish for this to become a more fluid space for her to express her thoughts relating to her service. I sense this will be useful as we continue to move forward in this latest and exciting phase of our relationship. 

With this in mind, I have added a "follow by email" feature where interested readers and followers may sign up to have upcoming entries delivered directly to their email box. Comments will remain open and I will endeavor to moderate those in a timely fashion, as my time allows. 

Thank you for understanding, your continued interest and your support. 

Monday, April 2, 2018

When the Rain Washes You Clean

Now here you go again, you say
You want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound of the loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...

It's odd sometimes the things you don't think about when things are happening, it's later sometimes much later that you suddenly consider it. While driving one day, in the car, mouse was listening to music and this song by Fleetwood Mac came on. At a stoplight mouse focused on the music. There was a moment with Master a few years ago, mouse wasn't sure she wanted to be His slave. It was never said out loud, or said in anyway that was audible to him. It was more of a pulling away from him. It was based in a weird uncertainty that only mouse can drive herself to.

Years later, mouse sat listening to that song and the first lines resonated with her. Music is her poetry after all, so it makes sense that a song would do that. Most nights mouse can't remember her dreams, but there are times when she did, very clearly. They were always what Master called frustration dreams. You can't get to where you need to be. There are obstacles that just pop everywhere. The dreams had a pattern. Thursday nights, mouse would sleep like a baby. Friday, Saturday, Sunday...Moving through the week, the dreams started usually Monday or Tuesday nights. It was a subconscious worry about the punishment on Thursday night. How bad would that be? How many times had mouse messed up? Once she even snuck a peek at Master's little black book. He didn't punish mouse for it, but she does recall that again she had a dream. It was one of those, running late dreams where you can't find a parking spot and miss something important. Usually what she would miss was Master. Like trying to get to an airport, but the gate keeps changing. Which makes no sense since you can't go to the gate anymore. It's like she's lost and can't find him. 

Then she'd wake up in a huff feel his body next to her and try to calm herself. Sometimes he'd ask about it, if she startled and roused him and when she explained it to him, the reply was always "I understand." The dreams would escalate until Thursday night finally arrived, punishment was melted out and mouse could relax again. Sometimes, the dreams would be sexy, but just as something good would happen the dream would suddenly end or mouse would wake up a little. A different frustration. 

Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom

How many times since her first owner has mouse had that thought? Certainly many times since before and after she became mouse. It's like what she wrote in that last post on Friday, about needing his control over her, feeling so powerless and having this deep, burning desire for more, but at same moment being irritated by all the restrictions that His control meant. The confusion was overwhelming at times.

But listen carefully to the sound, of your loneliness, like a heartbeat drives you mad, in the stillness of remember of what you had and what you lost...

That is the rub, isn't it? Sure at any time, there was always a thread that she could pull that would allow her unravel the whole tapestry and walk away. The loneliness that she felt before Master was deep. Being with Master was like a long cool drink of water when you didn't realize how hot and thirsty you were. 

It all circles and flows around her like a hum that vibrates. A person recently mused what could mouse possibly do to deserve a punishment from Master nearly weekly? Now, let's back up a little bit, on Wednesday or was it Thursday a few weeks ago mouse had a thought and Tweeted it over Twitter...It went something like, "does never needing a correction for overstepping mean that the slave is no longer challenged?" Now that might not have been the exact phrasing, but essentially the gist of it. That question about deserving punishment weekly, was playing in her mind when she tweeted that. Master does constantly move the goalpost a little at His whim, so that mouse doesn't fall into complacency, or her ego doesn't begin to lie to her that she's practically perfect. Mary Poppins she is not. Yes, what's wrong today is still wrong tomorrow but he alone alters the penalty. He never used to punish for thoughts that stepped over the line, and now that's different. Keeping a tidy home, dressing the way he desires, being open to him sexually are the easy parts now. It's thoughts that trip her up now. 

In other words, where mouse used to take the punishment, accepting that she had failed, and moving on, she was simultaneously missing the biggest part of the lesson. He was actually altering the expectation, moving it ever closer to the carefully chosen words he wrote out when he crafted the extensive "expectations" list for mouse to follow. A primer for her slavery to Him. He doesn't move from those core goals but instead moves mouse closer to them and mouse finds herself curling up to those once confining and mentally confusing restrictions like a toddler to her favorite blanket.  

Sunday, March 25, 2018

All the Changes We've Been Through

This is almost like catching up, what has been going on during those times the blog here went silent. Maybe it's partly so mouse can better understand all the changes that really have occurred. Very recently Master was away on business and gone for most of the week. During that time mouse kept to her routine just as though he were here. It brought a bit of normalcy to her life without him directing each moment. Each morning she showered, fixed her hair just as meticulously as she always would, she did ask permission to skip wearing eye makeup because her eyes were flaring from allergies. He replied by text that was fine, but also suggested that mouse add Benedryl to her nighttime regimen. He asked if mouse was still using the Flonase he purchased for her to take and mouse admitted that she had forgotten to use it a couple times. Tisk, tisk she could feel his disappointment through her phone and instantly wanted the earth to swallow her up. Other than that, mouse dressed the way he liked, dutifully cinched the corset she wears when he's not around, since she's not allowed to touch strings and the cleaned plug was left in the small box on the shelf since she's not allowed to touch those. Daily, she meditated and imagined Master watching her. The corset felt like he was holding her. The clothing reminded her of her slavery. Daily duties weren't ignored, and while we did go out one night for pizza, it was with Master's knowledge and blessing, as was the meal of chicken nachos that she prepared for dinner one evening as slightly more healthful treat for our family.  

It's strange because long ago, when Master traveled without her, she would routinely let things go. Not keeping up on the wash, not taking care of the sink full of dirty dishes. Shirking cooking responsibility nearly entirely. Hair haphazardly up in a ponytail, wearing sweatpants. He never punished mouse for those things that occurred outside of his vision, but he knew they happened. He knew the moment he entered the airport, depending on how long his flight was, mouse would begin that whirlwind of cleaning, vacuuming, quickly laundering, drying, folding and putting away all the evidence of her apparent laziness. Makeup would be put on, her hair washed and fixed the way he liked, and of course, dressed in a way that pleased him. The only routine thing was that she would wear the other corset, mostly out of fear that if she went longer than a day or two, she was worried she wouldn't be able to get it on correctly.

If there was enough time, mouse would even schedule a trip to the market. Partly to make sure we had things on hand that he'd enjoy but also to make it seem or appear that mouse has cooked and fed his offspring reasonably healthy meals while he was away. He knows kids are kids, all kids love fast food and garbage foods (soda, potato chips, etc), just like he did when he was younger. His grandmother would always spoil he and his siblings with lots of junk foods that would his parents would never buy. He recalled once that his brother ate an entire box of Fruit Loops all by himself. Even Master said more than once that he enjoyed a bit too much candy for his own good. He just could't resist Hershey Bars with almonds. Being a type one diabetic however made that a bit dangerous for him. Often he would muse if that was more the reason for his parents attention to diet? It could be a motivation, it certainly is for us. 

Master simply stated that one day, mouse wouldn't do that; shirk the requirements. At the time, although she didn't show it, deep down there was a "yeah, right" thought that crossed her mind. It was like a vacation from the constraints of His Ownership of her. Or so she thought. If she closed her eyes she could clearly see the tapestry of our dynamic and the single loose thread that she could tug on. Full force would unravel it completely but a small tug wouldn't do so much damage. Master would repair that when he returned home. All would be well again. Normalcy restored.

While we were living apart when living at the lake and him here in an empty house, that feeling of containment mouse was so used to was pushed to the limit as most readers were aware. The message that he couldn't make the trip, while understanding completely the reason was hard to bear. The presuming to know His thoughts crept in. Although she didn't realize it at the time, she pulled that loose thread so hard half the tapestry unraveled and mouse being busy being right ignored the damage.

Master didn't repair the damage to the tapestry, instead he waited for mouse to attempt that task. To at the very least to make an effort. Remember, he was high on his mountain, and mouse was still miles from where she needed to be mentally. At that point really mouse was going through the motions of her slavery and not taking it to heart. Wanting his containment and rules, while at the same time deciding, often on her own that he didn't really mean that. The nuts and bolts of her slavery was ignored by her.

Thread by loose thread, mouse began to repair the tapestry early last year, at first she was doing on her own almost exclusively. Like the tale of Eros and Psyche, mouse did what was required, each task feeling insurmountable but somehow accomplishing it. Yes, of course, like in the myth, mouse had some assistance from Master but not a lot. Sure parts were easy, others not so much. Giving up freely those bits of herself to him without having him ask for them back and really meaning it. Submitting, surrounding and capitulating to everything he desired, being the supplicant that ignored their own desire to fulfill his.

Realizing the breech of trust that she caused, like when Psyche dared to look upon Eros when he had forbidden her to do so. Master had forbidden mouse to return to him, to stay the course and remain at the lake. That required a huge penance. He didn't know what to do with her at that point. He was already broken hearted over the whole enormity of the situation -- His mother was actively dying for months. Then even his own slave, betrayed him by doing the one thing he said not to do and was under the impression that she was right to do that!

There was a scene in the Godfather Part 3 movie that drove the point home for mouse in a completely weird way. Now, firstly, it should be said and explained that mouse is a huge fan of The Godfather Parts 1 and 2, but three was never her favorite. One day, while Master was away last year, she turned on the TV and caught the end of Part 1, so she watched part two while doing some chores, really she knows the movie so well she really doesn't need to watch it, it can just be on and she can follow it. Later she contemplated rewatching part 1, since she missed most of it, but instead decided to pop some popcorn and watch part 3 a movie she's seen maybe twice before (compared to the other two that she's watched probably a hundred times). Anyway, in case you haven't seen it, its the third film, so the story is concluding. There's a scene where Michael Coreleone has somewhat ironically a diabetic stroke and is recovering in the hospital when his sister Connie tells Sonny's (Michael's late brother) to kill another character called Joey Zasa, which of course, he does. Michael wakes from a coma and is pissed. He angrily says to them, 'It was not what I wanted. I run this family, right or wrong and this was not what I wanted.' 

That was the part where mouse turned off the movie. Shaking, mouse sent Master a text message, she didn't apologize to him over text but later on the phone when he called she did, of course that came out in a ramble that probably didn't make a lot of sense to him at the time. It wasn't until he returned home that we had the chance to really talk. He still didn't know what to do with his feelings and admitted that to mouse. That was the moment when she realized how badly she'd broken us.

Master admitted that he didn't know what to do or think, his mind was disjointed, wracked with his own grief and rage that it took many months of mourning to sift through it all. Eventually he did conclude that he was angry with mouse. He ignored mouse, used her for his own pleasure and did administer a few physical punishments but nothing was fixed right away. In fact it took several months of mouse demonstrating real change before he grew comfortable that she was actually serious. It's taken years, nearly a decade of being together before mouse had realized what being his slave really means.