Cause I Love You

Back in the 80s the band The Eagles did a song called, "I Can't Tell You Why" and as we know that mouse loves songs and lyrics are often her poetry.  Around a year and half ago, yes it's taken mouse that long, Daddy and mouse started feeling much more connected than ever before.  We felt closer and better together -- far more connected. We grew more together and he was very in tune to mouse's needs but also steadfast in his making her toe the line.  Nothing's changed yet everything has.  

Daddy also around that time took a "pet", a girl we both knew. They would get together and play when they had the time.  At first, he kept the relationship a secret from mouse because she was so insecure and fearful...what if he liked the other girl more than mouse?  What if he fell in love with her?  The internal fear hum drove mouse insane and told him in so many words that she couldn't handle it -- even dropped the "hard limit" thing.  The loudest internal hum came from the fact she couldn't understand why she wasn't enough for him.  

It took her a long time to realize that it's not quite about that.  He's always had lots of women in his life and it was mouse that always shying away from that part of his life.  The simple truth is for him, one woman would never be enough.  Was that ok?  Honestly, mouse took a don't ask, don't tell approach.  What he did was his business and she didn't want to know about it, and pretended it didn't happen.  We could say mouse was moving closer but not quite.  He'd sometimes come home from work late and go immediately upstairs to shower and mouse would internally freak out about it.  He'd mention plans that didn't include mouse and she'd try to change his mind -- cajoling him or tried to use her feminine whiles to hold him at home.  When it failed, she blamed herself again thinking she wasn't enough.  

During that time he remained unchanged -- he didn't waver in what he wanted.  He treated mouse with respect and demonstrated that he truly did love her unconditionally.  Yet, mouse seemed to be placing conditions her her love for him.  Relationships are complicated.  

After around a year, his relationship with his pet ended because he knew the pet needed more than he could offer and they mutually decided to end it.  This was a huge relief to mouse thinking, well he's gotten that out of his system.  But no.  It wasn't that at all.  This wasn't something that he could ever change about him.  He really does believe to humans monogamy is an unnatural state.  Even in the wild animals that "mate for life," the DNA tested on the offspring showed something else unexpected -- DNA that didn't match.   It's led naturalists to ask, do they seek each other for companionship and comfort? 

So, mouse was making this all harder than it had to be and was maybe growing up or moving forward toward where he was.  What is slavery?  How she wished she could turn the hum off in her head!  It would make everything so much more easier.  We didn't discuss it, because mouse wouldn't engage with that topic at all.  Earlier this year, he came from work and showered, sending mouse into a mental tizzy -- this is a huge signal.  This time was different.  Taking a look at him she realized he does love her.  He won't hurt her.  He won't do something that he knows would upset mouse.  

It took forever for mouse to ask.  Months passed.  During that time mouse was reading more about open relationships.  Now, she has to admit that she was looking for information that would back up her position.  That would validate her belief that somehow he wanted permission to cheat.  Now, mouse has made it pretty clear that she's atheist and when she looked...she found lots of religious people against this idea of relationship openness.  But she also found lots of evidence that open relationships are quite healthy and satisfying.  We're both wired in such a way that one thing that could change our thought processes is evidence.  

Damn it.  

Still Daddy was still very much Daddy....loving. caring, stern, stoic and ever mercurial.  He was sadistic when he wanted with mouse and drove her wild with pleasures she can't begin to explain but most are well documented here in this blog.  Still during this investigation period mouse felt false on these pages.  The internal turmoil of 'what would the readers think?' also hummed in her head.  

But this blog isn't really for the readers, a small bit mouse forgot about along the way.  It's for her...its a diary of her life -- well, the parts no one knows about (or very few).  A breakthrough occurred when he sent a text saying he'd be late for dinner.  There wasn't a familiar pang of jealousy.  

We should back up a little and explain he won't lie to mouse, if he says he's working late -- he is.  Without fail.  If he says he's meeting a friend or colleague  for a drink, he means that too.   If he says nothing except that he's going to be late....it means he can't or doesn't feel free to say why.  

So, mouse replied if she could keep dinner warm for him.  He said yes and added he wouldn't be too late and mouse replied, "have fun."  It was around a minute or so later that he replied simply, "Thank you." 

He came home and smiled warmly at mouse, hugged her, kissing her forehead tenderly and went upstairs to shower.  From mouse there was no rage or upset at all.  While he ate we talked a little about this thing...he was quite cautious about it.  Not wanting to say the wrong thing and start something...But mouse was different about it all  While she still doesn't want to know the intimate details about what he does, she's not worried about it.  Yes, she's met the new girl, and mouse knew instantly why -- at the behest of the pet.  Not that this new pet is everything mouse isn't either.  We're different.  He cares about us both but very differently.  The pet wanted assurances that mouse was ok with all this.  Maybe ok, isn't the right word, but pet wanted to know that he wasn't just saying, 'she's fine' to find out later that mouse was unaware.  

Now, mouse isn't, at this time, moving toward a poly thing -- we still have to be careful -- we don't live in a world where this is accepted.  Then again neither is our Master/slave dynamic well accepted either.  Yes, it's complicated.  This has also stirred feelings in mouse that she can't explain -- it kind of excites mouse in a weird way, which is much better than pissing her off.  

Going back to the beginning and The Eagles...This song screamed to mouse when she heard again recently.  It's not in her iPod so it wasn't a song she thought about.  Still, it spoke to mouse and when she was thinking of posting this song has been rattling in her head.  It's scary to her to admit all this, to put it out there.   The pet might never be mentioned again, because mouse doesn't see it as being part of her relationship with Daddy -- which is the overall theme of this blog.  Still remaining completely silent about the existence of the pet, seems to be wrong to mouse or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's more that mouse feels differently about open relationships than she has stated in the past.  Surrendering, growing, and evolving.  That fits very well into the theme of this blog.

This will also likely be the last post for a while as we're leaving soon for the summer and there is still so much to be done before we leave in a couple weeks. But we do have a few Newbie Tuesday posts scheduled and comments will be open -- it will just take a while to be published.   

"I Can't Tell You Why"

Look at us baby, up all night 

Tearing our love apart 

Aren't we the same two people who live 

through years in the dark? 

Every time I try to walk away 

Something makes me turn around and stay 

And I can't tell you why 

When we get crazy, 

it just ain't to right, 

(try to keep you head, little girl) 

Girl, I get lonely, too 

You don't have to worry 

Just hold on tight 

(don't get caught in your little world) 

'Cause I love you 

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see 

We make it harder than it has to be 

and I can't tell you why 

no, baby, I can't tell you why 

I can't tell you why