Words Could Make Wishes

The weekend was nice, and strongly quiet.  We had no big plans and nothing that needed to be done, except some yard work.  Master was relaxing and watching a movie and mouse was reorganizing the books in his study when she suddenly realized the furniture was different.  The desk used to be in front of the window, with the his back to it, rather facing the door.  Now it was on the side.  Still close to the window but now he could see out of it, from the desk.  Honestly mouse's paying attention skills are seriously lacking.

Later, mouse meditated and thought about what graceful means -- is it something to do with how a person glides into a room?  Or is it more an internal behavior?  Is is a presence?  The way you hold yourself in public and private?  Yes, mouse is aware the whole point of meditating is clearing your mind of all thoughts, but that's never been easy.  To get to the point where the focus is on one thought instead of 100 is good.

We're all flawed in some way or another, bad habits or things about ourselves we'd like to change or alter and each day we decide to either try or not.  In many ways mouse has failed at her slavery to Sir and has for years now -- she's a very slow learner.  Sir dismisses that as part of the learning process.

Two or three years ago, mouse was far more attentive than she is now or so it seems now looking back.  Maybe that's the change she really needs to work on?  Reconnect not only with Master but that state of graceful purpose and humility that seems to become lost somehow in favor of cynicism. 

Should Be So Easy

Can there be a detour ahead...

It's no mistake that mouse posted on Wednesday after an absence from the blog. While the time away wasn't long, it was because mouse was working on the distance she's been feeling lately and where was it coming from.  Was it just an illusion, projection or something tangible?  Master read the post on Wednesday, but didn't say anything about it, until Demerit Thursday.  He said he understood the reason mouse would post this before, rather than after Thursday.  

Sir said this realization was a show of growth on mouse's part, something he hadn't seen a while from her.  He wasn't angry but, upon some reflection of his own he had felt neutered by mouse's return.  He wasn't in a place to deal with it properly and admitted that had he been, he would have brought us back and accepted failure himself. Having his slave (who yes is also his wife) take it upon herself to correct a mistake he wasn't yet capable of seeing was a bit off putting as much as a relief.  The distance that we both feel is a real consequence of that action.  

By this time mouse was in tears and having a hard time concentrating on his words so he stopped and let her blow her nose, splash some water on her face and calm down before he continued.  He explained carefully that the error wasn't fatal to our relationship, but trust had been harmed -- and that was on mouse -- he didn't place it there, instead mouse agreed that she broke the trust.

Then he asked how long she's realized all this, and mouse spilled the whole story to him, crying and choking it out about how terrible she felt but also felt she couldn't bring it up because of everything else that was also going on.  Now that storm is passing, the skies are beginning to slowly clear it was weighing ever more.  After sending her again to the bathroom to splash more water, dry the tears and blow her nose, he pulled her into his lap and held her close.  He said he decided that mouse had punished herself more harshly than he ever could.  It explained a lot of her behavior, the mouthiness and defensiveness, but he hadn't pieced the puzzle together yet.  Instead he sent her to the corner and told her to hike that skirt up.

Master watched as his slave went about her bedtime routine, and when he finished his own routine, found her kneeling beside the bed.  He had her get on the bed, and kneel with her rear toward him and took her from behind.  This was for him alone.  After she cleaned herself up a little and licked him clean, he pulled mouse close and held her for the first time in such a long time, he held her all night long.  This time the tears that fell weren't sadness or remorse, but pure happiness.  Joy.

This morning things are different, he invited mouse to shower with him and her arms were held above her head as he washed her body and allowed her to dry off with a dry towel.  He snapped his towel at her when she made a comment about feeling spoiled by being able to dry off with her own towel.  It felt playful though and light -- something that hasn't been around in a long time.  Dressed in her bathrobe, mouse cooked him breakfast and found her dress laid out when she returned to the bedroom after he left for work.

Are we back? No, but it feels like we're finally moving closer.  

Only Our Bodies were Apart

Over the long MLK weekend Lucy and Schroeder came to dinner, and while cleaning up after the meal Lucy said something important to mouse, "Only your bodies were apart, but your hearts were still together." this was after listening to mouse's comments about how distant we still feel.  Lucy does have a point in that.  It's up to Sir to restore the balance and until then, mouse can only do what she's asked to do. That was when mouse began to have an odd epiphany, which was ironically brought up again a week later on an online forum she frequents.

It's actually a bit difficult thought in practice, like so many things in life it feels it should be so simple.  Just wait.  Be patient.  Yet it feels unbearable at times, itching for that closeness we once took for granted.  Sir feels different [to mouse], although he might argue that point.  One thing is for certain, very little now escapes him where mouse is concerned.  On demerit Thursday, mouse was again bent over his desk and punished without any problem letting the tears go.  There was much discussion about being held accountable for one's actions. Last time mouse was punished for mouthing off a little too often and this time she was punished double that because she hadn't learned.

Next time will be triple the amount and so on.  After he had mouse stand in the corner, which is sometimes worse than being physically punished.  It's probably the humiliation but really mouse has a hard time pinning it down.

Going back to the epiphany mouse had and that thing between us are related. It might be because mouse took it upon herself to move back instead of following Sir's wish to stay put. Also, mouse realizes that it could be her own projection of the situation but it has been bothering her that maybe this is why we've had such a difficult time getting back to that place we once were. The fear is strangling her.

What if the wall she feels is there between us, is really just a projection of a wall and not a real wall?

Maybe it's the guilt she feels now, taking back that power and making that huge decision to move back -- with Sir completely in the dark.  Of course, he'll know these thoughts the moment he reads this post.  Maybe that's also why mouse has taken so long to post about it and why it's buried in more current events?  Whatever, the uncertainty mouse feels is real -- thats the only thing she is certain about.  Guilt is a tricky beast and so is pride or ego.

It has occurred to mouse that perhaps she should have trusted Sir more, worked harder to follow his wishes, rather than deciding what was best for both of us.  Really, that's his job.  He's the leader and mouse is his follower and somewhere she forgot that.  The slavery to him isn't something conditional on him doing what she wants and is about what he wants -- if the two align that's great but if they don't, mouse is expected to pivot and capitulate.  Not the other way around.  So, in this instance mouse failed in her slavery.  That's not easy for mouse to admit.  Yet here we are.  This isn't a woe is mouse thing -- this is something that she needs to learn from.

Sitting on a Cornflake

Yes, it's Friday the 13th and mouse is determined that it will be a good day anyway.

On Wednesday's post mouse wrote about her brattiness toward Sir.  Doing her chores that morning was difficult, her focus wasn't what it should be.  Instead her mind kept circling back to her punishment the night before.  It bothered her that she was behaving like a passive aggressive child. Use your fucking words mouse!  

Things were still frosty with Sir when he got home that evening, late, and didn't remark at all about dinner being dry.  When mouse sat beside him and attempted to make some small talk, he glared at the chair, as if to say, "did I offer you permission to sit?"  Quietly mouse just got up, finished loading the dishwasher, did tell him some information he did need to know but let everything else go.  Once the house was quiet, mouse did pass by his study and heard the tapping on the keyboard, but didn't disturb him.  

Finally at bedtime mouse did apologize to him, a heartfelt apology.  Sir said he accepted it, but said nothing else. 

Thursday morning he again refused his morning oral, but did have mouse kneel in the shower and he relieved himself on her.  Then he had her wait, feeling dirty while he showered, and had her shower after him.  After scrubbing herself clean and wrapping herself up in a damp towel, mouse saw he left clothing out for her. it was the dress she'd worn last year when we escaped to the lake house.  Not exactly a winter get up though. Still mouse zipped up the snug fitting dress and hurried downstairs to begin breakfast.  

Moving through her chores, mouse worried about that evening.  How bad was it going to be?  The previous week, he'd let mouse off with a warning and probably realized that was a huge mistake.  

Sir needs her and she let him down.  

Finally the time arrived and mouse was told to undress and soon she was bent over the desk, and the punishment was being carried out, not really on her bottom but the surrounded thigh area.  The dam broke and mouse was sobbing, full of remorse.  After he had her stand in the corner and after that he had her write lines.

mouse will learn something from her errors and mistakes or face a more harsh consequence.

100 times, which took a while for her to complete.  Then once all that was done, he gathered her into his arms and held her very close to him.  He said to mouse that he didn't want to go with a more harsh punishment but he would if mouse required it of him.

Even though mouse did a huge thing in moving back home, and it did lessen his stress, it was only because he didn't have to worry about us being so far from him.  If something else went wrong...What if mouse had an accident?  It didn't take away all his stress or misery.  Nor did absolve mouse forever from further wrong doing.

What was the Christmas movie about the kid who wanted a BB gun?  There was a scene where he had to write a theme about what he wanted for Christmas.  He was sure his teacher would find it so incredible he'd be excused from theme writing for rest of the school year.  There was part of mouse that kinda expected to be given a pass.  Forever?

No, ok, maybe...but logically, no...

Jz was right balancing logic and emotions is for the birds.

Sir is right,  there's no flip that can just be flipped to reengage our dynamic.  He did say that he will try harder, with a wink, to keep mouse in line.  No...he doesn't have to do that.  He doesn't' have to do anymore than he's been doing.  He's got enough, this is for mouse to step up, get her head out of her ass and just deal with it.  Stop the sarcasm. Stop the passive aggression...

If only it were that simple.  However this morning, before she blogged mouse did something she's not done in forever...she meditated.  It didn't work right, or the way it should, but did seem to calm her down, so we'll count that as a win.  

Keepers of the Gloom

Yes, mouse has been a gloomy girl lately and it's no wonder at all, since life feels disjointed. Sir has reminded mouse more than once this isn't a permanent thing, but rather temporary.  It just doesn't help her soulful mood at times.  It's equally difficult to not want to become the yappy dog demanding attention. Why is it that the squeaky wheel gets the grease?  Because it squeaks and has become annoying.  

Not at all sure or certain what mouse thought moving back would change...

The thing is that she doesn't want to be this needy girl wanting his attention. 

Last night mouse threw a hissy fit and it was directed more or less at Sir -- and it wasn't his fault in the least.  Dinner was ready and he was late, and it happens more often than not lately.  He made an innocent comment that the chicken was a little dry, and mouse lost it.  "Well, it wouldn't have been dry had you come home when you said." Now it could be noted that mouse is sensitive about her cooking and feels incredibly vulnerable for some reason that she can't quite put into words.  

He said nothing in reply but continued eating his meal.  That made mouse feel worse (as if that's even possible).  

It's not like she didn't know where he was, or why he was late getting home -- he was doing what he does each evening, he was at the hospital siting beside the bed of a loved one.  It's just that she craves the predictable life we once shared.  

It's also hard at times for mouse to just say she's sorry.  Yes, when she really screws up, then it's easy to say she's sorry but over things like this, it's painfully difficult to just say, "sorry Master." to him.  

Later that evening Sir said it was time for bed, and when mouse didn't immediately switch the television off, he raised his voice slightly and said in a cold tone, "Now." Still mouse lingered downstairs, pretending to check to see the dishwasher was loaded (we run it at bedtime), which it was and the kitchen was tidy.  Paused by the laundry room to make sure the washer was ready for the morning load...finally making her way to the bedroom.

Sir was waiting, seated on the chaise lounge and looking at mouse.

"Undress.  Over my knee." he said in almost a matter of fact tone.  His belt was in his hand, doubled.  No warming up, just ten hard whacks that left mouse breathless and stubborn.

Then followed by another five, and another until mouse broke and cried for mercy, but he continued for another five.

"How does it feel?"

Slipping to the floor mouse knelt at his feet, but didn't know what to say, just looked up at him and slightly gave her head a slight shake of uncertainty.

Physically it hurt, mentally it felt good...but not...

"Go wash your face and brush your teeth."

He followed mouse into the bathroom, brushed his teeth and watched mouse do her bedtime routine. When he found her kneeling beside the bed when he came out, he commented, "good girl." Then he called her to enter it and we spoke a little about the punishment and how he believed it couldn't wait.  Sir wanted to know if mouse understood why.  Now, for some reason mouse can't begin to fathom she made a crack about the chicken being dry.

Oh dear.  Sometimes mouse understands that he's under a lot of stress right now, but her mouth doesn't seem to get it.  Maybe it's just that she feels terrible and wants him to feel bad too?  Of course she forgets he already feels bad.  He sat up in bed and pulled mouse over his knee again, which was awkward, and gave her bottom several slaps.  Again refusing for some ungodly reason to just give up, mouse just remained motionless.  Why was she pushing him this hard???

Still cannot explain it.

He moved mouse aside, disappeared for several minutes and returned.  He told mouse to bend over the bed so that her head and arms were on the floor but her legs and rear were over the side and on the bed.  Holding herself up with her arms, she felt the cane and then she couldn't make sound but tears were welling faster than the welts could rise.  Then he tossed the cane on the floor and mouse slid awkwardly off the bed.  Sir handed her a blanket.

Sir rolled over, and heard mouse's sniffles and whimpers but harshly said something like if she couldn't shut up go sleep elsewhere.

"Sorry Sir."

Too late he was either asleep or ignoring her.

Guilty as charged for being a brat.

If Sir is still angry this morning he didn't really show it.  He did refuse his morning oral, but he also overslept a little (so did mouse).  It's not often that mouse behaves so poorly.  This was terrible.

Anytime she sits now she's reminded of her mouth...and how she doesn't need to express each and every thought the moment she has it.  The whole point of moving back was to help diminish his stresses not make them worse or add to them.  It's just terrible and her own behavior isn't helping at all.

Carry the World Upon Your Shoulders

The weekend seems to fly by, but today is weird bonus day due to nasty weather.  Sir went into the office for a while but was home early and later asked that mouse blog a little and provided a topic, what slavery means to mouse.  

So after sitting for a long time pondering the question (in between other things), mouse came up with this....

It's whatever Sir decides it is and it's not about what mouse wants really.  Of course this has been said many times before this point, and it wasn't like mouse was just simply paying a bit of lip service to Sir. Yet as mouse considered it, really pondered it, she began to realize how heavy those words must feel to Sir.  He decides.  It's all really on him. Everything all the time, he's driving the bus.

Yet, he wants it this way, at least 99% of the time, the hard part is knowing when he doesn't or might need support or just be allowed to let go of something.  That's why mouse often takes cues from him about what's expected of her.  It's why she took some control back and moved the house.   It's why she waits before dressing to see if Sir has a preference and then if he doesn't, mouse picks something that totally falls within what he'd want anyway.

But what does slavery mean to mouse?  Guess the answer that keeps circling is it doesn't mean a thing -- it's actually about him and what he wants, what he needs and he gets to define the term anyway he wishes.  It can change, day to day, week to week or year to year...It's for mouse to adapt and bend to his wish.  It's not so one-sided that mouse's needs aren't met, because they are.  Yin/yang, and all that.  His control, and mouse's need to be controlled fits together nicely. Like puzzle pieces fitting together.  They have to slide easily into place and can't be forced, otherwise the picture doesn't come out.

It doesn't matter what the picture is of, if you just try to ram in pieces it won't come out but when you take the time and look at each carefully, you find they do fit together.  

Thoughts Meander Like a Restless Wind

Here we are again, sipping coffee and pondering, always pondering the endless thoughts that circle the mind.  For right now calling him Sir feels better than Daddy.  Can't really explain why, except that it's a little more formal which is probably mouse needs as she readjusts to being his slave-wife again.  

Life is really give and take, sometimes you take a little more than you give, but later you might give more, so there's a sense of balance to it all.  It's not that mouse stopped being his slave, she didn't, but it seems he was unable to dominate her the way he was used to.  Not that it mattered at all to mouse, but coupled with the distance it was beyond simply difficult.

How far could we bend before we break?  When mouse on the spur-of-the-moment decided to pack up and move Sir was pleased his girl was so stubborn.  He's said that more than once.  Still it's been difficult and stressful but somehow we're managing and trying to get back to where were before.  Yet things feel so different.  Almost foreign, in a way like mouse is on sojourn or just visiting.

Last night Sir summoned mouse to the totally familiar study to discuss demerits.  There weren't many, in fact mouse pointed out one, somewhat significant, he'd missed.  He leaned back in his chair and pondered that for a moment or three, and then decided to forgo punishment this week.  Obviously he's not ready he explained.  He had hoped it was switch being flipped into the "on" position but its not that simple.  Life isn't like that.  Sir did want mouse to look over again her expectations and he did also, there's effort being made and he was careful to point out that mouse hadn't done anything wrong -- this is just him for now.

Sir was very reassuring -- he said that right now he's lost in his own head still feeling his energies are still much divided and admitted he wasn't sure how long that would last. It's too soon to start discussing future things since we're stuck with still dealing with the past and present.  Instead he led mouse into the family room, and we cuddled on the sofa and watched a movie.  Then he whispered into mouse's ear that he needed her to suffer maybe just a little bit.  Of course, hearing that mouse's pulse began to race and he reached his fingers between her legs rubbing the soft moist areas, while saying for her to keep her hands behind her neck and fingers laced.

He edged mouse slowly and just when she was ready to explode he stopped, resumed the movie, and directed mouse to suck him.  After she swallowed his seed, he whispered that it will be a while before she's allowed to orgasm again. Generally he doesn't care if it happens or not, it's not important, as his slave, that mouse feel sexually gratified -- unless he wants her to feel that way.  Honestly it's already been months...Summer probably.  Really mouse can't recall the last time.  It's not been on her mind though either or really his -- only recently did we return to his morning oral.

There's something in not being allowed to orgasm that fills mouse head with thoughts of sex.  Why is that?  It's like "You can't" therefore you cannot stop thinking about it.  It also does odd things to mouse -- tends to make her softer and more submissive or compliant or bendable -- not sure what word mouse is searching for.  Whatever the word it is...it does it to mouse.

In other ways maybe this is what she needs?  To feel controlled by him?  Maybe he feels the need to control a little more than he's been doing?  Maybe this is just our way of trying to get back...

To Where You Once Belong

No fancy parties or lavish meals prepared, instead we cuddled on the sofa and watched Singing in the Rain.  Seemed like an upbeat end to the year even though we're both fairly numb.  Yesterday, all the holiday stuff was boxed away for another year.  Today is the bonus holiday.  Tomorrow, the world begins to spin again. (not that it really stopped).  First day of new (old) school and meeting Lucy for coffee after the big drop off.  Daddy returns to work and life slowly goes back to something resembling normal.

Daddy decided it was in fact time to get back to where we once were.   Things were odd between us, but slowly we're making our way back.  Now, he's enforcing what he expects from his slave wife and honestly, it makes mouse feel good -- useful to have her purpose restored.  Last week, mouse paid her final 2016 penalty with some quiet corner time while Daddy looked through some paperwork in his study.  Bottom exposed to the air swirled by the heater, caused mouse some measure of embarrassment.  Like you could forget or allow your mind to wander, then the heater would kick on again as a reminder.  After mouse knelt at his feet and begged again forgiveness for everything she'd done wrong.  Mostly running her mouth when she should have listened.

He said that she deserved more but since especially the years end was difficult for both of us, he was willing to let mouse off with just that.  Daddy warned though next week he will not be so generous and mouse should know better than to cross any lines.   The ground hasn't stopped shaking for us yet. but at least now it doesn't feel like we're about to be swallowed by quicksand.