The Weight

I picked up my bags, I went looking for a place to hide
When I saw old Carmen and the Devil, walking side by side.
I said, "Hey, Carmen, c'mon, let's go downtown,"
She said, "I gotta go, but my friend can stick around"

Happy St Patricks Day! While mouse hasn't advertised this, March is Q&A month, so if you do have any questions mouse will be happy to answer them as best as she can.  Probably the only reason mouse is bringing this up now, is because a good friend recently asked if her ideas about slavery have changed since beginning this blog.  Wow, really what hasn't changed in mouse's life since beginning this blog?  

The simple answer is yes, mouse's views have changed.  In the beginning mouse really believed that both sides of the power exchange getting something out of it, now to be clear mouse hasn't changed her view.  What has changed, is that being slave isn't at the center of anything. Sure, there are some dynamics where everything is carefully negotiated and smutty bdsm-y books will educate the would be submissive that her submission is a gift, and that she holds all the power.  Why? Simply put she can place limits on whatever activity she isn't interested in doing. Hard limits can stifle growth -- at least some do (and really mouse isn't talking about common sense ones either). Slavery is and should be defined differently. Once the offer is accepted the slave hasn't any more options. Effectively she loses her voice and the right to spout off whenever she feels the urge. There is no sanction or authority to to tell anyone else anything -- especially her Master and gives up quite willingly any right she might have had before.  This can include the right to vote.

It doesn't need to be said that mouse went into this dynamic with both eyes wide opened to the facts.  There wasn't any coercion, or force on the part of Omega.  There wasn't anything he did to brainwash mouse or tricked her into becoming his slave.  The truth was that she needed to be a slave, more than she ever realized.  

Last night something happened that seems to tie in nicely with this question, because mouse truly asked to be Omega's slave.  The request wasn't met with laughter from him, nor did he make a cocky comment.  He got it.  It isn't also that we weren't playing at Master/slave before because that wouldn't be true either.  Why the change? Why do this at all? Why did it need to be said or the action taken?  Before mouse was meeting slavery on her terms, and issued her own conditions for it.  It was, after all, her gift to him -- shouldn't she have a say in how it looks?  In fact, she never asked for His collar -- she simply said, "I'll be your slave." 

What mouse meant, at the time was: you can call me your slave, and I'll be submissive but I will retain some control.  Now, Master being a wise man, who's seen every trick in the book, saw something in mouse that he knew was there deep below the surface. In truth and probably worth mentioning is that had he been a different stage of his life, he might have rejected such an offer.  Yet, he had seen her bask in the glow of slavery before and knew she could again.  He knew it would be different with Him.  He also knew it would be a slow often arduous journey, replete with pain for her as well.  When he said to her one day that she would become His Perfection, he wasn't kidding, this wasn't a joke.  Sure mouse could dismiss the weight of the words,  by framing that he actually meant "perfect for him," or just reminding him that no one is perfect.  He never or rarely responded to those comments except of maybe his infamous, "I understand."  Master meant something far deeper than mouse was able to comprehend at that time.  

He began to help her reveal the slave buried deep inside that was terrified to come out, for fears of the past.  He worked with her tirelessly, endlessly to help her cope and come to terms with the past and in many ways make friends with the good and let the hurt go.  To forgive and really embrace what the forgiveness meant.  There were twists and turns but for the most part, although mouse didn't see it she was changing then.  Accepting while showing deference to his wishes. 

It wasn't until the weekly demerits and punishments began that things began to click with mouse and she needed the heavy hand that held her accountable for her each misstep.  That was Master's biggest gift to mouse, the gift of structure and discipline.  When he began taking control of her clothing choices and making his wishes more obvious, it was another moment for mouse to accept it.  The corset that she still has a love/hate relationship with, the plug that wears now nearly all the time to remind her that she's owned and has no choices of her own unless he allows it -- even then it's not really a choice, but maybe more an option. The accepting of his "pet" or even "pets" and embracing that it is his right. Also coming to understand that the sky didn't fall because he did have a pet to play with. Sometimes it's hard, much more is asked of her than she can feels she can accomplish in a mere 24 hours.  Somehow she does rise to the occasion and when he does say jump, she doesn't even think to ask 'how high,' but instead jumps with all her might.  

Of course he's fair and kind, if he asks he expects an answer but there isn't any "no" in her vocabulary anymore.  It's only as He wishes.  There isn't any pouting, except when being playful, and even then she must remain mindful not to be too impish with him.  He can be cold, and seemingly unfeeling, like when he's dressing her down before a punishment.  His tongue is just as sharp, carrying the same sting as the leather strap, riding crop or cane he might use to punish with and will leave mouse just as tearful.  Remorseful, not that she broke his rule to Obey or failed to meet an expectation, but because she's disappointed him. His corrections remind mouse that she's imperfect in her slavery.  

Master is her god and devil all wrapped in one Man, who is to be both feared and worshiped.  At somewhat long last, she welcomes the challenges that lay ahead -- the ones that Master has in store for her.  All she can hope that she is worthy of the tests and most of all of Him.

These realizations that mouse has recently had, are incredibly weighty but nothing compared when she knelt before him, and tearfully with the purist of hearts, asked for his collar -- his mark, whatever he wished for her.  It was the act of giving up the last little bit to Him.  To know that she's got no choice or say in any matter.  It was substantial and probably more than a little unexpected to him.  He wasn't awash with surprise, but stoic, yet there was something in his eyes.  Happy.

With mouse still kneeling, he left for a few minutes, by now her knees were hurting so she was shifting her weight, but he returned and helped her up. Then almost unceremoniously bent her over the chair in his study and whipped her bottom and without much fanfare fucked her.   He didn't have to say much, he certainly didn't need to lecture mouse on slavery or what this meant for her.  The most he said was that accepted her offer.

While getting ready for bed, mouse glanced at her reflection in the mirror, and the fresh marks on her backside and thighs.  There was a moment of pride in those marks, knowing that she earned them in a good way.  Master also added a new expectation for mouse to follow, she's no longer allowed to sit on the furniture without permission.  He would prefer that she keeps herself occupied without sitting for longer than a few minutes, except for driving and writing in her journal or blogging.  It should increase her step count for the day too.  Also she's to keep her phone with her at all times.  He added that he'll be sending random text messages throughout the day -- to check in.  He also wants her to begin a new handwritten journal.  He said he'd pick one up for her at a stationary store.

Here's to new beginnings!