Never Ending or Beginning

Round 

Like a circle in a spiral 

Like a wheel within a wheel 

Never ending or beginning 

On an ever-spinning reel...

It is probably worth mentioning that mouse hasn't been reading any good books lately but most evenings when there is time and things are quiet mouse will read through the previous pages of this journal. Cherry picking often and while there are a few masturbatory worthy posts, there are even more that mouse finds cringe-worthy today. After closing her laptop once with a loud exasperated slam, mouse considered adding some new "labels" or "tags" to her posts to include, "Haughty" or "Arrogant" and just "Plain Wrong". 

Re-reading this journal at times is like mouse meeting an old friend who knows where all the bodies are buried and regales others with 'remember that time' stories -- which you just know never end well, and often leave you scratching your head thinking, really? Did that happen, or did I do that? For a moment you might even think they're mistaken and confused you with another person. Then sometimes a tidbit is added where you finally recall. 

Memory is complicated, we often choose to forget things that are embarrassing to us. Times we misspoke or became intoxicated and did something off the wall in hilarity. It is often the purpose of friends to remind us of wild child we used to be. It's not also without irony that our children and even spouses enjoy hearing those tales. "You did that?" you might say with some level of astonishment because its completely different to the man or woman you know today or that raised you. 

At some point during her re-reading expedition mouse closed the laptop in embarrassment and vowed to never delve into the past again. Sure, she could see by reading how far she's come; how much she's grown in her slavery to Master. That growth that she's so proud of didn't begin to snowball until around 2015! Master said he wants her to continue to explore the past, contemplate where she went wrong and what she might do differently now. He also reminded mouse that many people don't keep journals and probably most of the ones that do, don't really read them ever again.

It's like a time machine, filled with personal thoughts. Master then added that he still journals almost every day and showed her his current book. His neat handwriting that looks almost typed is annoyingly precise. Obviously the notion that women are supposed to have better penmanship is myth, while mouse's has improved with daily writing, it'll never be that precise. When mouse asked if he ever read them years later and he admitted that he had. He never thought of his previous thoughts to be appalling, but that rather an evolution that only does come with age.

He gave a hard pinch and twist to a nipple through her blouse when she gave him a sideways glance. Then he took back the journal. A mild but effective correction. Lately mouse feels woefully inadequate but is making great efforts to alter those thoughts into action that Master would be proud and happy with. The result has been a more mindful and obedient mouse. Exploring the past with a critical eye, maybe is helpful to her.

An odd parting thought, the image mouse chose, while beautiful perplexes her and in an odd way mirrors her own discomfort. The female, is laying on what seems to be a very comfortable bed. with a pillow under her head but her arms are awkwardly bound in a way that must be at least a little uncomfortable, yet seems happy to be used in this way. It's that paradox between comfort and discomfort that intrigues mouse at the moment in her own slavery to Master and her ever evolving purpose.