The Days Between (2018 Reflections)

Hearts of Summer held in trust

Still tender, young and green

Left on shelves collecting dust

Does the butterfly miss being a caterpillar? 

That was one of those often perplexing questions children sometimes ask. Contemplating a variation of this question while folding some wash, mouse thought about how different we are now, compared to when this journal began. Does mouse the wife miss becoming the slave? While Master would argue that He has never stopped being "Daddy" mouse found it best to put the idea of Daddy away once and for all. The rational for this seemed simple at first, but led to some very profound introspection on mouse's part with the stark realization that she had failed at her slavery and He was just tired of trying. Sometimes it's during the act of letting everything go is when you realize how important it was. That was the exact case for mouse, when she stopped being a slave and just packed up and returned to Him -- Thinking that was for the best and He couldn't possibly know what He needed! He gave up on our relationship, He just stopped. At first mouse thought it was the sadness over His mother's death, but that was part of the reason for it and probably smaller than mouse would care to admit. It took a while for mouse realize it and when she finally did, she made the effort to be the slave He always needed her to be. Slavery shouldn't be defined by the slave -- slavery is about giving up everything to become what the Master wants and how He defines it is how it will be.  

The wife part of mouse needed to go. Suddenly mouse understood everything He had been trying to teach her. Lessons she had learned but dismissed years ago became clear. The past came into a renewed focus as mouse tried to repair the damage she had done to our relationship. Omega notes that He would never ended our marriage over any of this, in fact that idea never entered His mind at the time, but was wracked with disappointment over the whole thing. He will not try to Master over anyone that doesn't want it, it's a hopeless venture that is ultimately doomed to fail. He just wondered how He could be so wrong and how badly He had misread mouse all those years. He wasn't interested in someone with only a mild interest in slavery. Sure He had felt progresses were made, but those were always followed by a sliding backward into the more comfortable spot. 

It had to be frustrating for Him, but He also will often admit He enjoys a challenge. The glimmer of hope for Him was before that when mouse had accepted the idea of Him being with other women (the pets). Years earlier, including in this blog, mouse was terrified by this -- He'd meet someone better and throw her aside. Like dealing with someone with a huge phobia, mouse learned slowly (extremely slowly) that Him being with another woman isn't the end of the world but a chance for mouse to grow. To climb up higher to where He was on the mountain. 

The wife had become a troublemaker for mouse that kept her from accepting her natural place and worked to undermine her slavery. The wife would think things that the slave never did -- such as, there's no harm in buying that -- He won't get mad or you deserve this. The logical progression was for mouse to shift away from Him being Daddy to Master. It didn't begin with this blog, but started earlier in private with mouse just saying, "yes Master" or "As You wish Master," in place of Daddy. The shift became more obvious as time passed. Just to be clear, 'mom' was never the problem that wife was. Naturally, she will advocate for the children (sometimes strongly), but will always acquiesce to what Master feels is best. 

Even when we were apart, with mouse and kids at the lake and Him north, using the children as a reason for returning was never thought about. They happily went along with whatever mom decided and had we been further into the school year it certainly would have been more problematic. It's the one thing mouse wishes she could undo. Still He didn't just jump on board, but took a long time to see if mouse was truly serious about her place or just pretending. It hurt, but was understood. 

It wasn't until we returned to the lake this year that mouse realized how dramatic the change has been and how much better everything is now. So, returning to the original question does the butterfly miss being a caterpillar? No, it doesn't because becoming the butterfly was always the goal.