Give me some time

I'm trying to figure out how to include everything that I feel must be in this blog, while protecting the people that have nothing to do with it.

April is traditionally a bad month for me. The month that marks the anniversary of my Alpha Master's death. I have this huge need to deal with my experience with Alpha Master and his friend the one I call Beta Master. Alpha Master brought me into the world of BDSM, and kinda left me there dangling and questioning what I was. He believed, right or wrong, that slaves were truly property. I belonged to him and his domination over me was complete. I had few choices once accepting Alpha Master's terms. Except maybe the choice to leave. However as he wove his way into my life, and filled it up with himself, there was little of the person that was me left behind.

Alpha Master granted his permission to for Beta Master to use me sexually and Alpha Master's presence was not required. If I'm going to be honest, they both used me mentally, each having their own rules, which often times canceled the other out leaving me to constantly being punished for some infraction. Neither believed in the notion of safewords, both hated submissives, because of their rules. Safewords to both Masters were useless because they should be trusted. They believed that they were the only ones entitled to any limits. So, if they wanted to try something they had never done before, they could use me to try it out. It was explained to me before hand, but I had no right to refuse the request--I had given up any rights I had as a person to Alpha Master. Often it was scary to say the least.

They only used me once at the same time, with me providing Beta Master oral attention, while Alpha Master took me in the rear. Most times they were separate occurrances. Alpha Master had forbidden me to orgasm without his permission, so when Beta Master would bring me to orgasm, I was punished for this. Since I never knew for certain what they discussed or if they even had such discussions, I wouldn't dare to lie to either of them. Alpha Master's solution was one such time to have me use a riding crop to the soft area between my legs. He watched while I performed the self punishment. When I drew blood, he made me stop. It didn't work out the way he felt it would. I wanted to please him by doing it hard, making it painful. He thought I would hold back. I'm sure it pleased him on some level that I was so willing to harm myself but it freaked me out.

Beta Master was into breath play and Alpha Master was generally all about the ass and genitals.

Certain things that have happened over the years that have played with my mind, one being the suggestion that female circumcision would make me a better slave. Alpha Master brought up the idea, and even said that he found a doctor willing to do it. I didn't know what to say. I could have refused it was the only time I was allowed to say no to something. I don't know what would have happened. Would he have made me go through it or would he have made me see the doctor and stop the procedure, with dramatic flair. The only thing I do know was that I saw disappointment in his eyes when I didn't speak. After he died it became the greatest mind screw for me. I was nothing without him, and not even a good enough slave, since the one thing he requested that would make me better, I refused to do.

To this day I'm technically unowned property. Maybe unownable. I'm not sure if it's even what I want. I know I feel damaged by the past, but the damage continued after his death.

I was beaten and raped, and worse I told no one. Again, feeling I was that nonperson. I had to be told it was okay to protect myself. Can anyone imagine being so far gone that the very idea of self preservation no longer exists? I attempted several times to hurt myself between my legs, in a vain attempt to do then what I had refused before, but each time I didn't.

Worse still I insulated myself carefully, not telling anyone everything but bits and pieces. Several people, including Beta Master knew part of the story but not everything. Had these people been able to get together and discuss me, they might have been stunned. Probably not.

The beginning of this year brought more changes (I don't do change well) and that has led me to therapy. Beta Master who has his own issues with sexual intimacy over the past few years, is part of this. He saw that I needed help and encouraged me to seek it. While our issues are totally different, they are strangely connected to Alpha Master.