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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A New Dawn

Last night when Omega came home from work, I met him at the door and threw my arms around him giving him a long lingering kiss. I can read his mind too. "How is it that when we're apart for even a minute I start questioning but the moment we're together I forget all that." He exhaled sharply, his weary eyes looked into my hopeful ones. They softened slightly as he said the words I most feared, the words of regret.

I got the 'we need to talk...' I led him into the kitchen, and poured a glass a wine, scooped some pasta onto the plate, "eat first, then talk." Suddenly I sounded like my Italian Grandmother. Especially when she knew my Grandfather was going to say something she didn't want to hear. It became about the food.

He declined the wine and food, repeating that we needed to talk. He was worried about me, and admitted to reading my blog. He wanted to know if i really based everything on a song, Sara Smile. I nodded. He slammed his fist on the table. He was angry. He explained that I couldn't base everything on a toss of a coin or throw of the dice or song on the radio! He said more than that and his words pummeled me.

I remained quiet, listening to his angry rant. Then I looked into the hardness of his eyes. I realized he forgot several things. He forgets I've known him for half my life and half of his! I've seen him happy, sad, and everything in between. I have seen him at his lowest point, when he almost lost the right to do the job he loves the most in the world. I have seen his strength. I have seen him; his face swelled with pride. He forgot that I have seen him give his friend a last hug and choke back tears. I have seen him battle his demons and come through it! I have seen him with the people he loves. I have seen deep inside his soul. I have seen this man cry, real unmanly tears of pure sadness and frustration. Through it all, the hardest thing for me to admit was that because and sometimes despite it all, I loved him. When he was happy, I was happy for him and when he was sad, I cried alone for him.

When I finally was able to talk I explained our timing has always been off. Maybe if Alpha hadn't given that book on kink so many years before, perhaps I would stayed with him and our relationship would have blossomed. Who knows? Does it matter now? It might not have worked out either. Neither of us was ready for the other, I was with Alpha, then I wasn't. He was with someone, which ended badly too. He's had his issues and I've had mine.

When do we stop blaming and punishing each other for the fact neither of us were ready?!

Those weren't the exact words I said but that was the intent. They hung in the air, like when you wake suddenly hearing a voice inside your head that sounds real. He exhaled loudly. Now he lowered his head and stared at his hand still in a fist. I could tell he was thinking about it.

Men are very visual creatures, sometimes you have to show them a map. That's why they can give directions using street signs and directions like north and west. Women are different and see things a little more abstractly. We can say turn left at the big green house with the red Christmas door. We both get to where we need to be, it's just different ways of saying the same thing.

So, yeah if a song inspires me, because music is my poetry, so be it. If someone can walk around quoting Shakespeare why the hell can't I quote Hall and Oats or Stevie Nicks? Why is that less valid if speaks to me in someway?

We had skipped dinner all together, we talked until we were exhausted and mentally drained. In the end he pulled me close to him, and kissed me. We went upstairs and didn't sleep right away, sleep came around 3 AM for us. At 3:30 his cell phone rang. No one ever calls in the middle of the night with good news. He said he had to go help someone and quickly departed. He returned around 5 and found me up drinking coffee and getting some work done on the computer. He kissed my neck bringing giggles to the surface like bubbles trapped in liquid.

The only question I asked as he was heading up the stairs to shower was, "are we okay?" He replied yes but his client not so much. I poured him some coffee and brought to him, he looked exhausted. He told me to be careful driving to work this morning since I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep...Me? He said not to worry about him. The night and lack of sleep seemed to age him five years.

Interesting...how can I not worry? He said I was supposed to meet with his therapist this afternoon and he'd be there with me for that. He was going to clear his schedule after that, so he could just go home after. I told him I thought I could do the same. I reminded me that I love him. He reminded me that he felt the same.


4 comments:

  1. In almost any given situation my girl can relate it to a song or movie quote. Her memory for these borders on encyclopedic. I have learned to listen and seek the meaning. I do not hear music as she does.

    I admire the clarity in which you are seeing things and your strength to stick with your vision. The ease with which you paint a picture of your thought process is ample evidence the clearness of those thoughts.

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  2. this one has been reading your blog with interest and her Master's permission. she is happy that you jumped off that cliff and took a chance. this girl though is worried that he will hurt you and this one's Master agrees.

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  3. I'm glad you're talking through your fears. I understand the fear so clearly, as it was this way with Daddy and me. I was falling in love with this man before I met him face to face.

    If you read my blog, you'll see that by the end of our first week together, I was confused, and head over heels in love at the same time. It was only when I blogged about it, that Daddy realized the depth of my emotions, and how his actions hurt me when his intent behind his actions was completely different. And, because of my blog, Daddy came to realize I needed him to explain the reason behind his actions.

    I'm glad that you're talking with a therapist, and being completely open and honest with Omega at the same time. Like you, I decide so many things by pure intuition, and by songs I hear. That's just me.
    Considering that I follow astrology too, I can tell you from experience, a rational logical Virgo will have trouble understanding your abstract thoughts and reasons for your decisions. But that doesn't mean you're wrong - it just means your way of doing things is very different from his.

    I also understand the fear of moving so quickly. But, the truth is you're not moving quickly at all. You two have known each other for a long time. You're adults, you've done your therapy, and you finally know what you're looking for.

    Take the chance together. You both know how quickly life can pass you by. You've found each other so go forth and be adventurous together!!

    lots of hugs,
    cutesy pah

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  4. your posts are so beautiful, looking through these and the more current ones there's such a vast difference in how you used to portaray yourself and your thought processes versus the way you do now. It is so evident in everything you write that you have fully given yourself to Omega, if he is good to you, as it seems he is, that is such a beautiful thing the two of you have formed in your bonds. Im happy for you Mouse

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